A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,I met my boyfriend last year on holiday and fell in love with him. He is a caring and loving person we have a lot in common and most importantly he makes me laugh.We live in different countries and I recently flew to his country to stay with him on a short term visa as he has a seven year old daughter by his ex wife. He split up from her four years ago. He has had another long term relationship since then, which I think must have ended shortly before he met me. But I dont ask too many questions about exes. In this latest relationship they were both unfaithful which is why it ended he now professed to me that he realises that was a mistake and to never to it again.The thing is we were both working quite a bit when I stayed with him as the airfare is 700 pound return. So when we did get a week together It really hit me how many times his ex calls him. We'd be lying on the beach and she'd be on the phone about swimming lessons. Or she'd be giving him advice about where we could go for dinner. One time before the holiday we were making love and the phone went it was her. There were of course lots of other times she phoned that didnt bother me as we weren't doing something "special" at the time. But it really hurt that she didnt draw the line when we were on holiday. Even the last day when I was trying to enjoy the each special moment with him as he dropped me to the air port the phone went and it was her. What annoyed me most on that occasion is he nearly crashed his car answering the phone !The thing is it has made me really miserable. Since I have come home I realised I could never live in that situation so I tried to draw some boundaries. I asked him if he could ask his ex wife to save any minor issues she has when he calls his daughter at 6.00 pm to say goodnight (which he does every day). He has now told me in response to that, that we are worlds apart and he thinks I am unreasonable. May be he should date a woman who has kids by an ex. May be she would understand. I don't think I am being unreasonable I just want to enjoy quality time with my man undisturbed by any one! After all we both work hard. I know he has a daughter he loves and I'm not taking that away, I realised I would have to sacrifice weekends even on this stay (and for life) and we actually enjoyed the time together (me, him and his daughter). Although I think we all found it a hard adjustment.We have discussed me moving there permanently which I would like to do if this situation didnt make me feel so miserable. We are not exactly the same as I am very passionate about career and having a lovely home. Although he is more interested in child care as a career which doesn't pay so well. He currently works in the building trade but doesnt enjoy it. I dont earn enough to carry us both and I feel now that all the pressure will be on my shoulders if he makes his career choice. I also realise that I choose to be with him then I have to accept all his decisions.But I cant accept this decision he has made not to draw the line and create some boundaries. He just cant see where Im coming from as he says he doesnt love her and they are just friends and I'm his number one priority. He just doesnt understand my feelings. I just feel that someone else has control over my life. And I cant exercise a little bit of control. I am not a control freak ! I accept his daughter and will even put my hand out and be a friend to his ex. But I just want "me" time and "our" time which I can guarantee remains uninterrupted apart from an emergency.Now I am home in my country I have found out I am pregnant. I am early thirties I realise its not perfect timing as the relationship is new and he is over there and can not come over here cos of his daughter, although although abortion is not a question. I cant afford to move there now and risk not finding work for however long it takes, and have the love and support of my family here (I would feel totally isolated in a new country with a baby, I think I would find unbearable without them, especially if we started arguing). He couldnt afford to support me if I did come over (His 7 yr old daughter has to sleep in the same room as him as he gets a flat mate in to share the rent). I don't want to go into a situation that is going to make me miserable either... what shall I do ?So thats my sorry tale.Am I being an over emotional pregnant lady ?!
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abortion, different countries, ex-wife, fell in love, flatmate, his ex, on holiday, split up Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks very much for the reply. He still doesnt see what "the problem" is and I dont know how to put it into words now Ive tried explaining and he just cant see it from my point of view; what more can I do :-(
very unhappy
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2008): Hi there!first off, you are COMPLETELY right! i think that is totally unreasonable when you're over there not drawing the line on the calls. he should understand you're point of view, especially when you are not bringing his child into it and you understand how important she is to him. Think about it if he isn't willing to change something so simple which obviously makes you feel pretty bad then is he truely the right person for you to be with? obviously you have to love someone for who they are but if he doesnt have a career inwhich he is able to contribute towards supporting u both and the children then its not practical for you to carry all the weight on your shoulders.personally i would just wait till the baby is born cause then you will be in a better position to see where you stand. I can't make a judgement on him as i have never met him but from what you have said he seems quite selfish and if he's like that now whats your future going to be like?I hope this helps a wee bit, i wish all the best!
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