A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:The long and the short of it is this... I have been with my husband for over 8 years. In the beginning we were both young and immature and both of us did some things that weren't totally "kosher" but nothing serious or abnormal - harmless flirting etc. I have no evidence that he's actually cheated. In the last 4 years or so i've been totally confident in his fidelity etc. We had a rough year leading up to our wedding. We got married in May of 07. Two months before the wedding he went to mexico for his stag. I was not the least bit concerned about him going. He planned the trip for 18 guys and had been conversing with a number of people on an internet forum regarding the trip - hotels, clubs etc. At one of the clubs he was with his friends at he ran into a girl he had chatted with on the forum. They exchanged numbers. I found this out having reviewed his cell phone when he got home (i do this from time to time). He told me the situation, that it was totally innocent and that he recognized why i'd be bothered by it but NOTHING happened and he had no intention of forming any long term friendship etc. I have access to the forum and i believe him. But that incident caused me to feel very insecure. About a month later he was at a work conference and stayed at a hotel for two nights...without getting into all the details ...something with a young girl happened there too. Ultimately, again, i am very confident that nothing physical happened and that there's been no further contact...but i believe that he considered cheating and I can't be sure that the reason he didn't was only because of me (as opposed to it just not happening). Having said that...we still got married. We talked these issues to death, he assured me he's committed to me and I felt VERY confident about that and him at the time. The wedding was wonderful... After a few months these insecurities came back to me. He never really admitted that he had any negative intentions...so, perhaps I feel that he's not repentent...I'm not sure what the issue is. But after all of this I feel very un-trusting. I am reluctant to ask him to go to counselling because I think he feels that we're married, perhaps he had some wierd pre-marriage thoughts...but that he's totally committed. I also feels that it's unfair that he should be constantly paying for something he didn't do. I did go for some counselling...but I didn't find it particularly helpful and it was really expensive. Perhaps i should try someone else.Do you have any advice for me?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2007): further to the previous post... i have seen the forum and what originally happened is that he and his friends were planning on being at a particular bar on the first night...which was st. patrick's day...and she and her friends were going to meet up with them. but that never happened. he actually met another guy at his resort from the forum and another night at the club the OTHER guy recognized her from her picture on the forum. he was quite honest that they hung out for most of the night...really nice girls...etc. and as he was the ring-leader of his group and she of hers... they exchanged numbers in case the groups wanted to get together again...which did not happen. he didn't tell me about this girl specifically...but he was fairly open about the forum... with respect to the work situation there are just tons of details but i don't think any of them would serve to give anyone any real idea of what happened (any more than i have). Essentially...he ended up booking a single room the second night of the conference. It was either because he planned to hook up with this girl, or because his co-worker hooked up with someone and he needed his own room. Regardless of the reason, i do KNOW that nothing ended up happening. from the conversations that followed it seemed to me that it was something he considered but ultimately nothing happened ...but having the option and the attention of a young attractive girl was a boost to his ego...but ultimatley, i'm the one for him. i guess the reason i'm still feeling paranoid is that for the first time in a long time his attention went elsewhere and so did his mind and i guess i'm panicked that it could happen again.
A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (18 September 2007):
 He probably didn't run into the woman by accident or coincidence. I can't imagine that happening. He had probably talked about meeting her there etc. That is not bad in itself, if everything was based on this forum connection they had. If he had planned to do that though, he should have told you. I mean if he had been chatting to her on the forum and said....."we'll be in town on this particular day" and she responded with...."that sounds great, I'd love to meet you in person. I'll be there with a group of people. We always sit in the front and I'll be wearing yellow. I look forward to meeting you. It's a great club and I'm sure you'll have fun." That would be innocent and you should have been told.You left a big blank about the out of town work woman. You need to give more details about that. I've been in your shoes before and you can not out run your mind. You will imagine every scenario and bad thought. The truth is that any of them could be true. You were not there and you can't prove anything. Also the likelihood of him cheating with 17 other guys there is not really a good idea. Someone would talk.
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