A
female
age
36-40,
*alle.helpme
writes:Falling Out of Love...lack of intimacy but he and his family want marriage-what should I do?This is Long but detailed so that I can get the best response. I thank you in advance for reading my post/question. :-)I have been seeing a man since May 2010. Since I have met his family and our children get along great he says he wants to marry me. Here is where it gets tricky. About a few months into our relationship we spoke about restraining from having sex and being celibate. The reasons were so that we could get all of our blessings and follow christian regulations until we were to get married. Well the only problem is that we never really built a strong trust foundation. We only said we did. When we met and started to be together early on he said that he was done with other woman and only wanted to be with me.I met his family after we had a our first official date at an invited mothers day even they were having for the woman in the family -he wanted me to be apart. I joined in and since than I was invited to all the family events which is why we became so close so fast even the family vacation but I could not attend due to my work schedule.Now that some time has passed all the way down to us coming to understandings with each other and communicating. All I feel we have is function. He has a daughter I have a daughter and the household runs smoothly--I do my part and he does his. On the outside it looks wonderful but on the inside the lack of having sex mixed with us not having intimacy makes me feel like I am with someone strictly for good function. I really don't see the purpose in being with him besides being able to keep and run a stable lifestyle. I want love and romance which is something I believe he doesn't know how to provide. I have gotten to the point that we have talked so much and expressed so much now I don't even see the point in talking anymore about it. What will it do? Its all function to me and to me no love---everyone wants so much for us to be together and for us to get married a lot is riding on it--especially with the church and our family--our kids that adore each other...I just don't feel a connection to him and I do not feel like I love him. I think the marriage isn't going to make it better because we can than have sex---I don't think it will matter because every now and than we have had some "slip-ups" and had oral sex to full intercourse...and I still feel nothing. So I can say I do not think this will be a fix-all...I am afraid to loose a "good thing" but I wonder if it really that good if everything else balances out but to me there is no connection and no Love--just function. I don't see the purpose in being with him and I am not even excited about getting married--people have hinted he has been shopping for rings and that made me feel worst like the sinking feeling that I may be stuck with this guy simply because of how our lives are Integrated. We live together and work and do things together --like I said it seems good. I am just not happy---am I asking for too much?Simply put I can stay in the relationship for the functionality but in reality I don't have an emotionally connection to him and I feel that there isn't any love.I am ready to give up after having a broken marriage already under my belt from abuse, and a man thereafter that cheated on me to the point of being engaged to someone else..I am ready to give up on love.I just know this hurts and I am not sure whether letting go of this is worth looking for true romantic Intimate love and connection....If I move forward with this relationship he wants to marry me he told me and he is getting things in order to do so--I know woman that would kill to have him and they always pop out the woodwork so I know this for a fact---But its just not there...What should I do?
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female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (2 June 2011):
 stop letting your families drive this. you have only been with him for a year. i have always thought that 2 years is the minimum time to spend on a relationship before deciding if you want to marry someone or not and that is when the relationship is a full and genuine one. yours does not seem like a real relationship, it seems like more like an arrangement.
i can't help thinking though that you are not letting yourself surrender to any real deep feeling for him because you have been hurt in the past by your bad relationships. maybe you should get counselling to try to get over those issues and THEN look at your current relationship again to decide if you want him or not
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