A
female
age
51-59,
*ritGirl
writes:My husband and I have only been married less than a year. I lived in England he lived in America. We met on-line through an on-line gaming community. I had been chatting to him 3 or more years before meeting him in the flesh. Nothing was ever implied or said in thoseyears that said we were attracted to each other. We just shared a common denominator which was a clan that we were both in. I secretly had a crush on him and a couple of other members that were in the clan, but like I said I never gave any clues, i kept it purley platonic. I had never had any other involvement with anyone in the clan only on a friendship level and working on websites/scrims and ideas to make the clan bigger and better. The clan would regularly meet up for meals and drinks. We had a a few meet ups when my future husband decided to make a trip over to England to meet everybody. Thats when i made my feeling known and we started a long distance relationship.He has a few friends (couples and single male friends )and one female friend. The female friend and him met each other in college back in 1995. When I first started to date my husband he told me of this female friend, he said that there has never been any sexual contact between them and they are just good friends. He did however say that his past girlfriends never really liked his friendship with this female friend.I have met this woman a few times and stayed at her house. She was married but has recently divorced her husband, she has one child. On the occassions that I have met her and her husband she would try and pair me off with her husband so that she could spend time with my husband. I got wise to this and would not do it. My husband and her smoke dope and they like to go off together to smoke in private as neither I or her X husband do it. Since her divorce from her husband she has made 4 trips down to the city and my husband has met up with her alone for a few hours, I was however not included. And the last time we visited her I was surprised how he spent lots of time with her.I didnt realise at the time how close my husband and she were. I have no-problem with my husband having female friends but I feel that he spends more time talking to her in private (in his garage) on the phone than he does with me. When I think about it, he never really chats to me much about work/life in general, he is pretty quiet! We hardly have any conversation really. I try to make conversation with him but he does not seem interested.He knows that I am a little jealous of there friendship, but to be perfectly honest I have hardly challenged him about this. As he has a way of cutting the situation dead, saying that I am the one with the problem.I had made a comment about how often she calls him and he said that it was her that was making calls to him debreathing about her recent divorce problems on him, and he has been guiding her on what to do with child custody,selling the maritial house etc.Bored at home I decided to look at his cell phone bills on-line (I found the password in his note pad) as the itemised bill had been discarded, I had searched every garbage bin in the house, before making the decision to do that. I found that my husband had sent a text to her phone at 4am. I was shocked as I didn't realise he had even gotten out of bed. I noticed that more than 30 calls had been made between them both over a two to three week period. And even more shocked that he was making most of the calls.I don't mean to sound insecure, I just don't understand their realtionship. She is very selfish and demanding and I feel she has no regard for my feelings at all, it's like she doesn't see that Dan is married and should concider my feelings and back off a little.My dilema.............As I am new to America I know nothing about the laws on marriage here and I am now expecting our first child together. I have 11 weeks to go before i am due to give birth and I am wondering whether I should fly back home to England before the baby is born. I have been stuck in the house since April last year living in the subburbs unable to drive as I have no license. I have no friends and spend 24 hours a day in this house. I hadn't been able to work as I was waiting for my work permit. I recieved my work permit in December 07 and I was hoping to get a little part time job. But my husband felt that being pregnant and not having transport will make this difficult.I love my husband but feel miserable. I am scared that if I stay here and my baby is born he can control situations all the more. That I wont be able to take my child out of the country. I am hardly in the possition to find a house, drive and work in a place I know nothing about and support my child. I scared he will be granted the child.I gave up everything to come here, I have no money and no home to go back to in England, although I have family that might help.Am I paranoid or is there a real case of seriousness going on here? How do I find out about the Law without getting found out. He can check all my phone calls.I hate thinking like this, I don't really want to leave either as I love him but I am very scared that I don't know whats going on and ill lose everything.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2008): Hey that's great news, well done you! I still think you should try to make some local friends as well though, when the snoe clears up! Lots and lots of luck! xxx
A
female
reader, Arcada +, writes (5 March 2008):
Good for you! Im happy for you, I really am!Try and get out, I know its difficult in your situation but its not healthy being cooped up all the time. Message me anytime and let us know how you get on.xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2008): Thats fantastic and I sincerely hope all goes well.
At least you have addressed the concerns, have his explanations and now have your starting point in a new level of understanding with your husband.
I sincerely hope he will continue from now to be more supportive and considerate with his attentions.
All the best and with the pending birth!
xxx
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A
female
reader, BritGirl +, writes (5 March 2008):
BritGirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI had a good chat with my Husband yesterday about my concerns and he was fantastic! He sat me down and went through everything with me. He is going to contact her less and treat her like he does any other of his friends.I told him that I didn't want him never to have anything more to do with her but have a friendship thats balanced. He has also said that he will not be spending time on his own with her and we will be doing things as a couple in future. I feel so much more happier! We also addressed other concerns that I had also!!! I do not have this awful anxiety anymore! I am glad I wrote on here because your answers gave me the push I needed to confront this situation.So Thanks to all of you!
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A
female
reader, BritGirl +, writes (4 March 2008):
BritGirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank You so much for your replies. Here a couple of answers to your query's!My husband is a good man. He seems to be the straight up type, not moody and doesn't act dramatic, just enjoys doing his own thing really. He has had past relationships for a number of years but has never had the type of relationship where he has actually lived with a woman before. He is still very much the bachelor type (not meaning that he hangs out with his friends down at the bars) just the way he cooks for us and does the washing and stuff, unlike some men who expect the woman to do everything! Infact he doesn't go out much at all, he is the homebody type. And he is not one for conversation much unless It's something interesting to him, his mother did warn me about this as his father is much the same!I think deep down he knows that It's not healthy for me to be living like this, unfortunately we are snowed in all through the winter and being pregnant I couldn't go out if I wanted to as It's way to cold.I am not trying to make excuses, I am trying to be realistic! Although I do think he could do more, as it was me who moved here and he should consider my feelings a little more.I get butterfly's in my tummy every time I think of her and the pull she has on him! I am dreading the summer, as we visit his parents house in the summer and he invites friends over to hang out by the lake and I know that ill be left out whilst they can party! At the moment if I am invited by him to go stay at this womans house this year I am going to decline and also say I am not going up his parents house up north when he's friends go. I have had 1 failed marriage before and have a 20 year old son and another failed relationship and have one 16 year old daughter whom I brought with me here to the states. I am so scared of another failed relationship! I want a marriage to work and bring stability into our lives.After reading your advice I am going to ask him what his relationship is about with this woman. Why he feels the need to chat with her every day (or most days) but I cannot reveal the fact that I have been checking up on his phone bill, It's the only thing I have to keep tabs on the situation. I just need to think clearly about how to approach this situation.Again Thank You for replies, they really help :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2008): Hi honey,
First of all I would like to say to you that you are not crazy to feel like you do and have concerns. With the infomration you have, it would drive you nuts not completely knowing what is going on. But, and I know this hurts to hear, I think something is going on. Emotionally in anycase.
The relationship and time your man is spending with this lady, is not on. So without a panic, you need answers to those questions.
In your condition, your ability to fly will start to be limited. I have no idea about the laws in your country, but someone may, but you need to just have some time to get you head together. Before the baby is born.
Things are going to be really hard to handle at the moment and for a while, irrespective of any final result you discover. But all of the stuff that has been going on with him and her, is going to effect you marriage and future together. This is an incredibly hard thing to go through, without the added pressures of pregnancy. So you really need someone around you to look after you. I am not sure if your husband is that person, at the moment.
You say that family may be able to help you get back to the UK. If that is possible, I would leap at it. You need to be somewhere at the moment to think things through and findout what is going on, without any fear of your baby's security. The thing is, if nothing is going on, then you will come home and sort out any concerns. If you stay and it all turns to custard you have the extra dilema of your existance in a country with no support that you can rely on.
Consider seriously investigating arrangements for a quick exit back home, know what it involves and have a plan set in place. Do all of this BEFORE you make it known that you are suspicious of him, DON'T let him have any idea that you may be on to him UNTIL your plan B is in place.
Sorry, but that is my advice honey, and you need someone watching or covering your back! All the best and be careful.
xxxxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2008): Hey Sweetie,
I really feel for you and like the previous poster am not sure exactly wht to advise law-wise, but my initial idea is that you email your family if you don't feel you can phone. What about your Clan friends back in England? Make contact with someone you love and trust asap and tell them how you're feeling so they can offer advice and friendship.
Feeling unable to talk to your husband about how you're feeling and being afraid he will check up on your phone calls doesn't sound healthy at all, regardless of the other issue of the other woman (who sounds awful by the way, what a cow!)
I would also try to make some friends in your area, other local expectant Mums, neigbours, local coffee shop regulars? I too lived in America for a few years and didn't know anyone at first but on the whole people i met there were so lovely and friendly, you should easily be able to make some friends of your own.
Staying in a house all by yourself, while pregnant and with a husband who doesn't treat you very well would be too much for anybody! Please don't feel alone, go for a walk and have a little lunch in a cafe somewhere asap and just look around just to remind yourself that there's a whole world out there, you don't have to be tied to this man should you choose not to be.
Practically, it may be cheaper for you to have the baby back over here as it would free, so that's one suggestion, heck you don't even need a reason, just say that's how you feel, he can't stop you, you are an adult and free to do as you wish.
Lots of luck and please do check back in to say how things go, the other woman is an issue that your husband needs to address, and if he refuses to then you have to sadly decided whether or not to accept it or move on.
It sounds from your message as though he won't change his mind on this, as he hasn't done anything abouut it, even after knowing it upsets you, so perhaps you already have your answer. Perhaps also think about what would you advise someone else to do in your situation?
Finally, another suggestion is that a trip home may be a good idea regardless, just to give you chance to see the way things have been a little clearer and from a distance.
Lots and lots of love and luck x x x
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A
female
reader, Arcada +, writes (3 March 2008):
Bless your heart, your pregnant so all your emotions are everywhere!
I dont think your being stupid, I can't think of any girl that would put up with their partner having such a close and suspicous relationship.
You are in a difficult position at the moment. How is he treating you? Has he changed?
Do you want to stay living in the states?
It is hard for me to give you advice cos I dont know where you are at? If he's worth it, you should try and get him to talk to you about it. There's nothing wrong with that, I know you probally dont want to tell him you have been snooping but you could say that their relationship is making you feel uncomfortable and see what his reaction is?
Message me anytime.
Take care.
xx
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