A
female
age
,
*isha-1
writes:Today I had a long chat with a girlfriend about the loss of a mutual friend of ours over a year and a half ago. Our friend died unexpectedly at home, almost certainly due to an alcohol-related issue, as she had been struggling with alcoholism for many years, though she never ever admitted to being an alcoholic.I had tried to help her as best I could, but nothing could get her to take the steps needed to get help. She left behind a devastated husband, and thankfully no children and her death shocked us all. I'm still wrestling with my feelings of anger and guilt, though time has diminished the sharp pain.I know her husband tried everything he could do to help her, including delivering her to the door of a rehab center, but she just refused to get help or acknowledge that she needed it. I am close to her husband and we keep in touch frequently, though he lives in another state.The thing I'm struggling with is that I don't actually know the official cause of death. I asked her husband about a month after about the autopsy results. He said he'd received them from the medical examiner, but hadn't opened the envelope. The pain in his eyes when he said it didn't matter what the cause was, the result was the same, she was gone. I haven't been able to bring myself to ask again.Should it matter to me what the cause of death is? I get asked the question a lot because she and I were so close, and it really does bother me that I don't have that information. I guess I feel the lack of closure or knowledge somehow. Should I ask her husband again, or just let it go?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 March 2008):
Tisha-1 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks, oldersister! And Tuatara and eyes too for your help. I spoke again with my girlfriend and my husband today and we've decided to leave it alone. I don't think it would be nice for her husband to find we went behind his back; it would definitely just cause more pain, and I have realized that I can live with the unknown more easily than I can live with causing further harm.
Thanks again, and again, Aunts rock!
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 March 2008):
Tisha-1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for helping with this sticky question. I did some checking and apparently we can get a copy of the autopsy. I spoke again with my girlfriend and we decided that she would request a copy of the report, and have a physician friend read it for us. As it turns out, I decided I really don't want to read her autopsy report or even have the envelope in my hand.
To answer your very excellent question, Tuatara, and thank you for being gentle, the why is just to stop the wondering about what happened, specifically. I have some foggy ideas about it, and it's been bothering me for all this time that I just don't know and can't answer this fundamental question. I think that it might be like the viewing, awful to behold but grimly clarifying, leaving no doubt or wishful thinking. I was the one who went through her closet to find clothes for her to wear for the viewing! (I'm still stunned at how perfectly everything was put away--she was completely organized in her closet and drawers. Just like at college.)
As to asking her relatives, well, they are a very confused and simply helpless group who haven't acknowledged the alcoholism and would rather just pretend that it never happened. And I was her closest friend for many years before the alcohol problem distanced us; her husband was my husband's roommate at university--we ARE the close friends! We are the ones people assume will know what happened. I don't know who else her husband would be able to talk with about this other than his brother and I don't know him well enough to ask.
But, I think you are correct in that I shouldn't burden her husband with this question--he is still grieving and is still tender and I have no wish to cause him any pain whatsoever. I only asked him once, and ever since then, I have left it alone. I have done everything I can think of to support him through this, including making sure he was at our house, not theirs, on the one year anniversary of her death.
Thank you all again for giving me some outside perspective and reminding me that I shouldn't burden him with my unanswered questions! Aunts rock.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2008): Hi, I am sorry, this will be hard for you.I agree with eyes, possibilities there, also had she any other relatives, more distant perhaps which will be able to help.You have to let it go. Does it matter? If so, why. I think possibly that is the thing which is coming throug to me is the feeling that the cause is somehow going to help you heal more? It is that need in you, which is not something he should have to handle too, or help you with. He is in his own world at the moment of understanding what has happened and handling it as he can cope. So don't push, which I am sure you are not.Just work out what difference it will make and why!All the best.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (5 March 2008):
 Not sure but isn't cause of death considered to be public knowledge? You might be able to get this information without disturbing her husband. Call you local county records office and ask them if you can get this information and if you can then you will need to get in touch with the county she was living in when she passed away.
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