A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey they! Hope you all can help me out here! I'd like some advice about my ex girlfriend and I. Well first off I'll tell you about me. I'm a super caring and nice guy who would do anything for ones I love and care about. I have a job and a nice car and have my own apartment so I'm doing ok in life. The one bad thing about me is I've been depressed all my adult life and am now trying to fight it cause i believe it's ruined me and my relationships. I met my ex online April of last year when she messaged me. May 4th of last year we decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend. She had a daughter who was almost 2 and she happened to have she same birthday as me so we all kinda became a family. We did tell eachother we loved them. We would ofcourse have our fights and she said she wanted to break up bit I'd always talk her out of it. Well last January she broke up with me officially. I messaged her and told her that was gonna get some help for my depression and I did. I starting taking medicine and it seemed to help or atleast my mind though it was. So after a week we started hanging out again but we weren't back together at one point she said we were but then right after she said that we were kinda together just wasn't ready to make it official. She said she could tell the difference and it was a good thing! We kept hanging out for about a month or so but I started to get depressed again and I started to not pick at every thing it seemed like. I believe I did that before when we were actually together. Well anyways cause she was unhappy she met a new guy and within a week they were in a relationship and that hurt a lot and I talked to her about it. Anyways we tried to cut ties multiple times but neither of us would let go. Well a couple weeks ago she broke up with him and we started to hang out again more. We did hangout a few times while they were together but nothing happened. Recently she kissed me and we made out but after she said we can't be together again cause she doesn't feel it and I kinda got mad cause she kissed me and then told me that. Well as I was about to go home we kissed again and then had sex and the next day had sex again. She texts me and calls me and has told me she loves and cares for me but then how does she not have a connection. I know I wasn't the best because of my depression but I still treated them good and loved them more than anything. I was great with her daughter even. When her daughter was sick at times I'd take work off just to take care of her while she went to work. Well basically I know I love my ex so much and to tell you the truth I've never felt like this for anyone. I know I wasn't the only one at fault for our relationship failing before cause she had some issues to but all I want is to know I have a chance. When she said she didn't see it it took away hope. I don't need to be in a relationship right now cause I'm trying to work on my self but one day I'd love for us to be a family again. Sorry for it being do long and without paragraphs! Hope you all have great advice and just remember I really do love her and see a lot of potential with her. Thanks for all who answer!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2014): Thanks for writing! I guess my question is if I love her as much as I do should I just force her out of my life? She told me one time that she's always in a relationship and has never really been single. We had a talk right before she broke up with her last guy cause she wasn't happy so I told her she should try being single for awhile like me cause it would help out. I know it was wrong of her to bring in another guy into her daughters life so quick. I even told her she shouldn't have but I was her ex and she just took it as me not wanting her to be with anyone but me. Like I said I've been depressed for a long time and I think she lost the connection cause I was depressed. I just want to know if I should try to build something between us and if so how. We talk and text everyday. Just today she said she missed me. I was raised if something is broken you fix it and not just throw it away. I love her and would do anything to fix us or work through it. I'd rather not give up on her. I don't take medication anymore for depression. I'm trying to do it on my own. It's a battle for sure.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 July 2014):
 I do not quite understand what advice you are asking, what is the question...
You like the girl but you won't be back with her, a) because first you've got your own issues to sort out b ) because she does not want you. But, you hope one day you'll be a family again.
So, what's the question ?... If you will be a family again in future ? Who knows , OP, I am tempted to say no, because the girl is flighty and because it sounds she's over you in the romantic sense, but, who knows, who can tell the future. Que sera sera. And, WHEN is the future ? In 6 nonths, 3 years, 6 years ? Why are you even sure that in, say, 3 years you'll still be interested and won't have moved on yourself ? ...
If the question is " what should I do "- the answer s : exactly what you are doing. Focus on yourself, take your meds, talk to your therapist, learn to be happy with yourself and by yourself- as a single. You have realized that the way you are now does not make you fit for a functional, healthy, fulfilling relationship, so that would need to change. And when it will be changed... chances are that you won't even be interested in this girl. People with " issues " are drawn to other people with " issues ", but once the issues are gone- your perception of them is different, because your thought structures have become different , and consequently your choices too.
I have to add that both you and your ex, in your enthusiasm for instant families, seem to have lost of sight what's in the best interest of this child. I don't think that she has beneftted / will benefit from having instant dads who will become family in May, just to be EX dads in January. That's obviously more the mother's fault than yours, but it won't hurt to remind you that you do not go in and out of children's lives, and do not take take up the role of quasi-dad , because it's " sweet " or " cute " or " fun " and the kid is oh so lovely. You only do it when the relationship has proved solid and there are the best intentions and the best chances to make it last ( although, of course, one cannot ever really be 100% sure of anything in life ).
Please keep it in mind for the future, depression may alter one's best judgement , still it is not an excuse for being selfish and only care about personal instant gratification.
Anyway : be here NOW. Stay with what it is, i.e. , as of now you can't be back together. Live your life accordingly amd make your plans accordingly. She has not given you much hope, but , you don't even need " hope " right now, hope is something that pertains to the future. You've got stuff to handle and to solve TODAY, before worrying about the future.
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