A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My little girl has the most brilliant step dad. He loves her, teaches her and does everything and anything he can to support us both. Yet, I still find myself screaming with anger at how her biological dad treats her when he can spend all his time with his girlfriend and her children but not even send a Christmas card to his own.Basically, I had my daughter after my ex and I split up. We remained friends and said that we would raise her together and that we would always put her first. At the time that worked really well. When I met my fiancée, things were even better. My ex and my new partner got on great, and there was no problems. I then fell pregnant with my youngest and things started to change. It wasn't a sudden impact but slow and more and more obvious. It would be things like he couldn't pay his money this week, or he wanted to change his weekend as he had something planned. He couldn't make her school activity as he had to change his shift at work ect. He then told me he had met someone and he had been seeing them for a while and wanted our daughter to met her and her children. I was fine about it, and as I had a baby at home it helped me out if she could go with them to the cinema or whatever.Then it started to slow down, and he wouldn't want to take her anywhere if they were all going. It broke her heart as she is only four and she had started to form a bond with them. When it was her birthday, I invited them all, girlfriend and her children only to be told they couldn't make it. I later found out they had gone to out somewhere. Not that it bothered me but they could have just said the truth. He lied and missed his own daughters party which was his loss.Like I sais, slowly it became less and less to the point where she has only seen him twice since her birthday (Late October) and it's not like I haven't tried contacting him. He just comes up with excuses. My partner has always included her, and even refers to her as his eldest child. It's awful that I get so mad at her real dad when she has a step dad that truly loves her.The last blow was Christmas. She didn't even get a card from him until the 28th, and it was dropped off. He didn't knock, just pushed through the door. His girlfriend however had posted lots of photos of their Christmas on facebook, and the stacks of presents that her children had. My daughter got nothing from her dad, and they had more then enough from them. I'm so angry that I feel like I'm pushing my partner away and that it ruined our Christmas. My daughters mean the world to me but my oldest one is missing out when she shouldn't. I don't mean to sound like a dragon but I don't know what else to do. Advice?
View related questions:
at work, christmas, facebook, money, my ex, split up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2015): Stop exposing the child to your anger. She is disappointed enough not to see you dramatizing and showing your anger towards her father. Seeing you upset only upsets her more.
Your lives are changing and going in different directions, and you're both spending more time with your new partners.
Now let me make this perfectly clear! Your ex is as foul as they come, if he could disappoint his own child on her birthday, miss school plays; or exclude her in family outings for children that aren't even his own. You have every right to rip into him. Just don't upset your little girl more my exposing her already hurt feelings to seeing how upset you are. The calmer you are about it, the more she knows you have things under control. Even when you don't! Knowing you're strong for her is enough.
She knows mommy will protect her and fight for her. She knows it makes you angry when daddy screws up. However; your anger is more from your own pain than for her. You're human, and I fully understand. I really do.
You have an excellent fiance and you yourself are the best mother. It's better to just make-up for where daddy screws up. Turn a negative into a positive. She's only four, so her understanding of things is limited. If her father is becoming distant, this is the opportunity for her future step-father to become closer.
In a small child's life, it is better to focus on the positive and pour all the love into her little world as you can. You are a very fortunate woman to have found a man who cares so much for the both of you, and that she is beginning to get attached. This is very healthy for her. She is growing up in a new family; and now she will have to see her step-dad as her dad, when real-dad slips. Children her age adapt very well, if they're in a stable environment.
Keep all your fights out of earshot. Always be civil in-front of children. They don't understand grown-up fights and feel they are at fault. They will behave accordingly.
She'll begin to think daddy stays away, because mommy's always mad at him. You don't want her to believe that.
Focus on your new family, and when you need to; drill into her real-father like nobody's business. Lay enough guilt on him that he'll have to go to confession to ask God for forgiveness. Just make sure all you show in-front of the child is that you are doing everything you can to make her feel happy and safe. She's too young to understand a lot of this, so you have to look out for her feelings. What you say and do in-front of her can be just a hurtful. Remember that.
She has no idea why her dad doesn't show up. If you tell her he lied or he took the other kids out; then you are just pouring salt on the wound. You cannot do that to children. You shouldn't lie. Just tell her something came up and daddy isn't coming today. Then you tell that asshat he had better apologize to his daughter straightaway and you're not letting up until he does. Don't allow him to miss any payments on his child-support. Go hard behind the scenes and keep his mind on the one he left behind.
She was an unexpected child as far as he is concerned; but she is his own flesh and blood. He's trying to impress his new woman with how good of a man he is. Well, she must be pretty cold-blooded; if she can watch him neglect his own child. Don't be surprised if she may be responsible to some degree for leaving out your daughter. That is purely speculative, but generally the new girlfriend gets pretty selfish; and wants her man all to herself. She is centering all his attention on her brood, and wants as little reminder of his past life as possible. Remember you broke-up with that man for a reason. She'll discover why.
Stay on his case, but do not show your disappointment with him in-front of your daughter. Cheer her up, and focus on her feelings and put yours aside. Let your little family be happy, and don't be dragged-down by his poor behavior.
Don't you dare hurt or neglect that wonderful man you have with your "baby-mama drama." Keep your cool and maintain your self-control. Focus on his love and feelings. He's the man in your life. Show him your best side. You're now the mother of HIS children.
It's now about your kids and him. Not always about you or your ex! Your fiance and your babies are your happiness restored! It's no longer about what you've lost!
May God bless all of you this New Year!
|
