A
male
age
41-50,
*onfused and worried
writes:Do I stay for the children?I have been through 7 months of hell. I am married and have been for 5 years. I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old. Problem is that i dont love my wife. I am in love with another married woman who is 7 years older than me. We had a brief affair and i really fell for her. Problem was she started phoning me at home and was getting frustrated when i was unable to contact her. This alerted my wife and i stopped the affair because i can not bear the thought of being apart from my kids basically because i am worried the damage it will do to them. The woman who i was seeing is in a very unhappy relationship and i see her everyday at work. She is now in such a state she is on anti depressants and does not understand why i am still at home. Problem is worse now because she has told everyone at work about what happened and added extra lies. For example at the work christmas party she told everyone i was taking her to a hotel and was going to tell my wife i was leaving. This was totally untrue and when i left the party she then blamed me, said i was lying. She has even accused me of having an affair with another staff member.Her quality of work is going down hill fast i a know the boss now wants her out because of this and also she has started bitching about lots of other people.She was never like this before but i have caused it. It is a miracle she never actually got to tell my wife the whole truth. My wife thinks we kissed and then i called it off. I have seen what this has done to my wife and if i left she would be in a teribble state.So after all the hell this woman put me through why do i still love her? How can i leave my kids? I dont love my wife but she is a good person and i dont want to hurt her? Do i stay or go?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2009): I went through the same thing. People throw the word around like as if it's something so easy to obtain.How can one know what love is until they come to know God.God is love it's not his will that we run from partner to partner at just because things are not going our way.When you went to the other woman it caused you to walk out of the will of God.You allowed feelings to get in the way your covenant with God and your wife.Not only did you break covenant with your wife but with God also.God honors all marriages and he will there is nothing to impossible for him to fix if we give it to him and stop trying to find solutions on our own. We evenually reap what we sow whether it be good or bad. One day will have to pay for your decisions in life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2009):
People have many misconceptions and generalizations about affairs. I had an affair--got caught--but could not stop seeing my lover because I fell deeply in love with him.I was in deep conflict becasue I loved my husband , and the life we had together , but I did not love him in a romantic fashion. I understand what this other woman is going through--but it was worse for me becasue my marriage fell apart and his didn't. Evenetually however his wife did find out and eventually filed for divorce.
I am divorced , my lover is becoming divorced and we are seeing eachother currently. Don't let anyone tell you that this man can not be in love with this other woman. I knew what I felt for my lover during the affair --I knew it was real -- and now that we are free and in an open realtionship-- I am more in love with him because our relationship has gotten more real and even deeper.
Do I miss the life I had with my husband? Yes. But I think that I would have regretted my whole life the chance I may have now at true love-- becasue it is for me .
He is still dealing with his divorce and living at home becasue of finances and ofcourse the relationship with his soon to be x-wife is very hostile - naturally.
I am being patient with him as he is not ready yet to dive into a fulltime realtionship given his circumstances, but if this man loves this woman--I do not think he will be able to leave her--just as my lover and I couldn't leave eachother.
It is a very difficult situation all around , but only time will tell where he will lead himself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2008): Please seek councelling for your marriage and even if that doesnt work, for you and your wife!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2008): I would tell your wife how you feel about her. she deserves to know, no matter how hard it is for you. She might not realize why you don't love her, tell her why. Than tell her you need space to figure out whats what in your life. By not showing love, by not loving her your children will be bought up to see that definition of love which is not love. I would never stay just for the sake of it. If I knew something was a miss, try fixing or figuring it out. As for the other woman, I would tell her to leave you alone for a week. You need to clear your mind, stay alone for a few days, call it a buisness trip! Just go and see what you really want. Your wife, the woman. Or none. If you do think you love your wife, than go see a marriage counsellor and get your problems looked at by a psychologisgt. I hope you get a answer soon. Don't waste your life or your wife's by thinking just for the sake of it. Maybe there is someone else for you, but you didnt realize it until now. You dont want to spend your whole life in a loveless marriage, ok. Thats just my say on this!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): You are a confused man. You are lost in your purpose in life. You married and had a child. finish your committment with love. Not the committment to yourself but for the relationship you committed to 5 years ago. The mistakes along the way are forgivable by the grace of God.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2007): staying together for the sake of the children is not a good enough reason. If you do not love your wife or are not in love with your wife move on. Moving on means, take steps to leave the marriage, take time to deal with your feelings about the changes you are making. Be careful about starting up with the other woman, again. You may or may not really love her. It is too soon to know.
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male
reader, Confused and worried +, writes (4 March 2007):
Confused and worried is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the advice and help - nice to finally tell someone and have some thoughts back. Thanks Ariel - think you are right...
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2007): If there are problems in your marriage, BOTH of you need to be willing to work at them together, even if it's seeing a counsler. This other woman that you met, would you really want to be with her because you stated she already started telling lies about the both of you? She has problems..you have problems...if your marriage is not going to work out, don't see her or another women. If you or your wife are not willing to put forth the effort to save your marriage, then I would suggest a divorce. Why lie to your wife? Is it fair to her? If you don't seek help, you'll probably do it again I am sure you will. Your wife might be in a terrible state of mind if a divorce was to happen, however, time will heal all wounds. Let her move on then and find her joy and true love in life as you want to find your's. The damage to your kids is letting them see unhappy parents...thus, them thinking this is what marriage is all about. As long as you love your kids and are always there for them, that is what counts most. Good luck.
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female
reader, Lemonpixie  +, writes (4 March 2007):
 As far as divorce the sooner the better. Because you are still in a relatively new relationship and things are already this rocky Your kids are only 3 and 1... as a prodeuct of divorce myself i would suggest leaving if you truly feel you don't want to be in the relationship. (Why'd you get married!?)
Lets face the facts... you don't make the best decisions... Never have an affair with someone you work with!!!! You've gotten youself in quite a mess. Just because you're divorced doesnt mean you cant be there for the kids! Your poor wife is being strung along and you're being extremely selfish she deserves to know the whole truth, and she deserves to find someone who will love her back. As far as the woman you had an affair with... I'd say beware she's obviously emotionally unstable. Your wife has a reason to get upset but the mistress shouldnt be all this upset about things... she's trying to ruin your life! I suggest not being with either. But be there for your wife emotionally she will be going through a rough time and even if you dont love her now... (hopefully at some point you did) and she still loves you so divorce will be rough on her. Kids take it harder the older they get... if you want to save your children some pain go now and remain a constant figure in their lives.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2007): Ok, I am not going to get into a debate over what love is, but the fact that most people think it is just a feeling is why the divorce rate in the US is over 50%....it is really a hard thing to explain unless you have experienced what I am talking about, the decision comes first it is at the core of the feeling....without the commitment, the feelings blow in the wind, come and go, and we think that we are not responsible for our own feelings, when we are...most people don't get it.
Check out Scott M. Peck's book "The Road Less Traveled" and you may understand the page I am on and the page you are on, and why it is an important difference.....I highly recommend the book!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2007): In order to be loved in return, the person needs to be in love with you, it's as simple as that really! You can analyse love as much as you like but you either feel it or you don't and the institution of marriage makes many a couple stay together who have fallen out of love.You are either in love or you aren't. xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2007): What I mean when I say Love is Not a Feeling, is that in order to receive love in return, you have to decide to be lovable and be a loving partner, it isn't something that someone else can give you, it is inside of you...once you made the choice to be loving to someone other than your wife, you kept falling out of love with your wife because you weren't putting anything into your relationship with her....of course you want the happy feelings you get from being around someone you respect and trust and have passion for, but that is not all of love, it happens when you decide deep in your soul to cherish the person who you have chosen to give your love to...it's a choice, not a feeling.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2007): Love IS a feeling. Just wanted to say that! x
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2007): From reading this, I don't think you love the other woman at all. She is in an unhappy marriage, and instead of either working on her marriage or getting a divorce, she has decided to play around on the side with a co-worker....and she is depressed and going about airing your dirty laundry around your office. First of all, she has no class, second of all she sounds like a lunatic, thirdly she is a direct threat to your marriage and since she has no regard for her own marriage vows, she has no regard for your family...she is bad news....so go ahead, leave your life, leave your 1 year old child who will be most affected by the abscence of one of her parents, children bond closely with parents, and it is never advisable to remove an important daily contact person from their life until they are at least 2 1/2 years of age, it actually causes psychological damage and and they grow up with fear of abandonment issues that NEVER go away....so do that why don't you,....your relationshp with this other woman has less than a 1% chance of surviving for more than a year once you actually leave your prospective marriages and get together, this has been proven by the psychological community....so is this worth what you are contemplating?
You must have loved your wife to have married her....Love by the way is NOT a feeling, it is a concious choice that you make to BE a loving partner and sacrifice to put someone else's happiness above your own, a commitment.
Before you leave your marriage, I would think about seeking some marriage counseling together with your wife...you really do need to earn your way out of this marriage, you need to try everything before you walk away from her and those precious children....that is my opinion and my belief, but it sounds like you have made up your mind to leave, and for what, some lunatic! You wife is the only one you have called a "good person", and from what I read, she is the only one out of the three who probably is.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2007): Hi There,
It sounds to me like the woman you had the affair with was acting out of grief at losing you after having had you. If you cut off things with her in order to save your marriage then it would have been very hard on her. I am not excusing the things she did at work, but I can understand why she did them, as I was recently in a similar situation to her and have been out of my mind with despair and unhappiness over the situation.
People do crazy, silly things when they are in love, so if you can forgive her behaviour and still love her then make her day and go and tell her.
It sounds as though your marrisage was in trouble already, otherwise you wouldn't have looked elsewhere, but do the decent thing and end things with your wife before moving on to someone new. If you love this other lady then ask her to wait for you. If you don't love her and want some time to yourself before finding a new relationship then tell her that.
I don't believe you should stay in a dead relationship for the sake of the children. They will be a lot happier in a happy environment and children adapt well to change, especially if a change will mean 2 happy parents living apart rather than 2 unhappy parents living together.
Do what you feel in your heart, because it's always the right thing. Your wife may be hurt but I would rather be alone and free to meet someone new, than be with a husband who isn't in love with me anymore.
Good luck! xxx
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female
reader, Ask Heather +, writes (3 March 2007):
 You need to get your "head together" ASAP. If you split up with your wife you still have visitation rights, which can be quite generous. You don`t love your wife, but don`t want to hurt her? You already have. By staying with her "for the children", you are doing no-one any favours, least of all the children. This affair of yours won`t be the last, as you feel no love for your wife; in later years, how will your children feel about daddy "putting it about?". A Clean Break would be easier, in the long run, for your wife and children to start rebuilding their lives, as they deserve to do. You can then date who you wish, without your wife "spoiling it" for you. Heather.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2007): No you dont stay for the kids you are asking for more hardache if you do the children will be upset for some time even act out your kids are young but dont ever let them down! Ive been through it Husband leaves me not happy but has affair through some part of the marraige. Leaves me completely with kids and kids know it! I went through hell!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2007): really, dude,if you still feel for this woman after all these lies, then go for it, the kids are still young and wont have a good idea about whats happening, but ifthey mature then yo do split up with your wife then thy'll be megaly upset.
If you love this woman, go for it while its not too late
Good luck ;)
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