A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating my boyfriend for 18 months now, im 27 and he is 33, we both divorced, we met at the beach and we had a lot of fun at the beginning, he use to take me on dates, dining out all around town and I would sleep at his house every single day. After a year together i asked him to move in with me because we were anyway all the time together and i was never at my place which he was not happy about, he said no and we broke up but once i left he called me and said that he would do it, he kept postponing it for like 4 months till i got tired and i told him that or he moved or he could be with someone more appropriate for him, and by this, i meant somebody that doesn't want commitment. he had roommates, i didn't, so he moved into my free for him rent apartment.He moved and we got into more trouble.He dropped out of graduate school, he said it was because my landlord gave us a 10 days notice to leave the apartment and he couldn't focus in school in this stressful time, although before this happened he left me know every single day how much he hated my apartment and how much willing he was to move.I found another place to live for us in less than 2 days from the notice, i paid for the moving, the rent, the deposit etc since he doesn't have a job and makes no money, i'm responsible of our rent, our food, our car insurance, our fios bill, his laundry and so on, including his cellphone bill, and since he lost his financial aid from school i have been giving him $700 to pay his credit card debt.Basically after taking care of all his crap, I have no money left not even for a manicure.i work 70 hours a week and he just got a pt job so i still need to pay all of the above with the difference that he only needs 200 instead of 700, i feel used and i have asked him to marry me which he has rejected and excused himself as 'i want to marry you in 6 months when at least half of my debt is paid', i don't understand why cant we get marry for love and in these difficult moments instead of keep doing this for just a boyfriend because it makes me really uncomfortable, i have been used in the past like this before. when we go out he never pays for anything and he even asks me for money to put gas in his truck or to pay for part of his blu-rays.HE uses my computer all the time and when I turn the browser to private he accuses me of cheated or something when i'm not cheating on him and all I want is that he doesn't know im using advice from strangers.He doesn't have friends and I have cut communication with my friends because every time I try to go out with them he makes me feel bad about it which when he is the one that goes out with his only friend I encourage him to do so. I even had to delete my facebook account because he accuses me of cheating with every single guy that writes on my 'wall'.On top of that he doesn't treat me nicely or with love and when I get home after working for 11 hours I have to clean the house, dishes, do his laundry, take the garbage out and make him dinner, I don't think this is fair but every time I mention it he gets upset and he blames me for having to drop out of graduate school.HE never wants to touch me or hold me or cuddle with me like we used to, we don't have sex, well, he does get sex because when he asks me for it i give it to him(i know, stupid me) but when he has to return the favor he doesn't. he is really ocd and gives me one hour lectures in the morning when i'm so tired that i pass out and i forget to brush my teeth the night before.He says we need couple counseling and I have agreed but at the moment of truth he doesn't look for it and wants me to pay for it, which I refuse.Last week I was determined to end this because I don't think this is going to end up any better, he has just become this selfish person and thats going to be it.I feel like im being taking advantage of and he is just playing me around, im this great but far from being perfect girlfriend that tries to help him in every way that I can and makes his life better but he just lets me down.He sleeps on the sofa, he doesn't even sleep in bed with me anymore which really annoys me because I feel like he is a stranger and for this I would rather go in the ocean of people and find another boyfriend that really wants to be with me.I don't know, what do you people think?
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female
reader, BeSimplyTrue +, writes (31 January 2011):
 I was in a VERY similar situation and I highly suggest getting out of this relationship. It was literally the best thing I ever did for myself. For a long time I couldn't imagine breaking up with my boyfriend--I kept hoping he would change, I felt sorry for him, I had been dating him for such a long time, the list goes on. But nothing ever felt as good as when I moved all my stuff out and realized I was free. Not to be harsh in an unkind way, but it sounds like neither of you is happy in this relationship. Neither of you is growing, neither of you is thriving, neither of you is content. It's not really a romantic relationship at all anymore, considering how you sleep separately and don't have a romantic sex life. He is depending on you for all his needs, except emotionally he is closed off, and meanwhile you are miserable and worn out. If you need a light at the end of the tunnel, it is this: when I moved out and broke up with my ex-boyfriend, he was really sad for a while but then he began rebuilding his life. He's doing fine now. He began finally exercising and eating properly so he lost 100 pounds and he has been working steadily, which he hadn't been doing before. Maybe once you and your boyfriend break up he will finally break out of his pattern of being stuck. It could happen. But it won't happen if you just hang around long enough. Something has got to change, and it sounds like the ball is in your court.I wish you the best. It is a very hard situation you're in, since there's so much going on, but I think the only way through is out. At least that was my experience.
A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (31 January 2011):
 Wow sounds like a pretty bad deal for you! Listen, even if you love him, he does not sound like a catch at all. If it's like this while dating, what will it be like in a marriage?You really need to rethink this whole wanting to marry him deal. I know the economy is tough and it might be difficult for him to get a job, but he left graduate school and lost his funding. He also is expecting you to pay for his credit card and living expenses. I don't think even his parents would do this for him! Look he's wanting all the perks of being married, without him contributing at all or promising you commitment. It really looks like he is taking advantage of the situation and potentially even using you.First you need to tell him that you cannot afford his $700/$500 a month credit card bill. Make up some excuse (you're contributing now to a 401K, your saving up for a house, whatever). Next, tell him this includes him paying his own bills. Make up an excuse saying how emotionally stressful it is to be carrying such a huge financial load and that you can't do it anymore.I wouldn't be surprised if within weeks he's out of there. Look at his actions, does he treat you with love. Does he love you? I'll bet anything that he doesn't and as soon as the gravy train stops he'll be walking out of there.You need to walk away from this man. YOu're wasting your 20's with a deadbeat. Who wants to marry a guy like that when there are so many great guys out there.So be wise, its time to get all your ducks in a row and make some changes in this pathetic situation. You deserve to be treated like a princess, not a cash cow.Good luck to you!
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A
female
reader, dont wanna say +, writes (30 January 2011):
 Well, *I* think you should break up with him and just wait for the person who you were meant to be with! I mean, if he's THAT selfish and STUPID, he should just leave because he isn't worth your time! I feel sorry you have to deal with that selfish jerk!
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A
female
reader, dont wanna say +, writes (30 January 2011):
Well, *I* think you should break up with him and just wait for the person who you were meant to be with! I mean, if he's THAT selfish and STUPID, he should just leave because he isn't worth your time! I feel sorry you have to deal with that selfish jerk!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2011): I agree with you 100%, leave him. You'll be better off without him:) You can't change a person that doesn't want to be changed. Help yourself, and leave him. You will find someone who actually loves you! Good luck, take care of yourself!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2011): Errrm...I think you know quite well that you are totally wasting your time with this guy. You are behaving like a doormat and he is clearly taking advantage of you. You must get out of this relationship and cut your ties with him immediately - no explanations to him are necessary, he doesn't deserve them, and in any case, you can be sure that he is fully aware of how he is treating you. As things stand at the moment, you are walking along the path towards emotional pain and financial crisis. Get out now, while you are still 'free' - it will become a whole lot more difficult if eg. you fall pregnant accidently. If he comes whining around you trying to get back with you when you have dumped him - don't fall for it. Run a mile.You obviously have a lot of love to give, don't waste it on this scrounging scumbag.
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A
female
reader, ShiShisAdvice +, writes (30 January 2011):
 YOU asked him to move in, and this is what you get! Playing "house" isn't always fun.
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