A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I have a problem that keeps eating away at me and has done so for months. I've been dating my girlfriend for 9 months, she is my first love and first real relationship. I love her more than anything, and I know she loves me the same way. She's dated a bunch of guys before, and when we started dating, she had just gotten out of a 6 year relationship. She said she knew her relationship with her ex wasn't going to work out after one year of them dating, so I wonder why she stuck it out for 6 years before having enough. She said she 'fell in love', and it bothers me because she is my first love, and I understand the past is the past, but I can't seem to understand how someone can be in love, and then out of love. My problem is: she still talks to her ex. They barely talk but when they do it always seems at the wrong time, at least that's how I see it. I was okay with them being friends until our 4 month anniversary where she went out of town to see a basketball game with him the day before our anniversary, then she was too tired to come back and had school work due (online), so she missed the anniversary where I had dinner planned and such. After then, I realized that she ditched me on an important day to hang out with an ex, and she hadn't even told me that she was going with him to the game until right before it because she forgot. Recently, she told me she felt caged because she's too paranoid about who she speaks to because I get too territorial, and I understood so I told her I would try my best to change so she won't feel caged. I told her it might take a little bit of time, because I know how I can get, and she has gotten paranoid, which is something I did not want. So I've been better lately, until last night. I was out of town to be with my family for father's day for a few days, so we really missed each other. The day was great, until night time, where we were on the couch watching TV, and her ex calls her. He talks to her about his leg and how it hurts or something, and then the conversation turns to them catching up. All while we were supposed to be having a good time watching TV together. Also, this wouldn't be so bad if he knew we are dating. We are both female, and this is the first time we are dating girls. It's not something that was planned, we just fell in love. Both our parents are religious so we haven't told them, and because of that we haven't told anyone else. A few people know, but not many. It bothers me that her ex doesn't know, I feel like she's hiding me. I'm at a point where I want to tell everyone because I think it's ridiculous to live this way, it's torture. So I guess my question is.. what do I do? I don't like that my girlfriend and her ex still talk, but I can't ask her to stop talking to him, it's not my place to do so and she's already said she won't do it. But if she's going to talk to him, at least do it when she's not spending quality time with me, and at least tell me she's speaking to him. I don't understand how, if she knew I have an issue with him, why she continues to do stupid things. Please help me, I'm really frustrated.. Thanks
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, mrg123  +, writes (23 June 2011):
 Well in answer to your first question - it happens, people change, they experience new things, they grow and evolve and they become different people. Therefore people fall out of love with people as they change. It doesn't happen overnight though it can seem too to the naked eye.
Is it that she talks to her ex or was so inconsiderate on this occasion? She was inconsiderate and should have apologised re the game and the dinner. It seems to me that this is the real issue as its her lack of consideration - same with the couch incident.
Here your going wrong and you are making her feel caged because your making an issue of the wrong thing - your making her issue of her speaking to the ex, not the timing and her lack of consideration for you two when it comes to speaking to him. Your making an issue of him rather than this and therein lies the answer to what you do - stop making it about him and start saying all you want is to be considered. She continues to do these things because shes making a statement about her independence.
I can't help but feel there are other deep seated issues here which are making you feel insecure and you have to address those as well but the key thing is you need to stop making it about him and more about the awkward times he calls and intervenes - if you do that you may find shes a bit more reasonable. Hope that helps. Good luck. :)
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