A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:HeyThis is my situation. Me and my girl work in the same industry and have known each other online for many years but have never met in person till about 1.5 years ago. Long story short we were friends but then something happened and without realizing we are now together since 8 months, engaged and about to be married. We are really in love with each other, I've never met anyone liker her. She was the first to talk about engagedment and marriage and she did it as soon as 2nd month and after some months of thinking about it (only 2 months was a bit too rushed for me to get engaged so I waited till we have lived together 24/7 for at least 6) I got to know that this really IS the Woman for me and we are now happily engaged and I can't be happier, getting merried soon and planning a kid next year. She is 5 years older then me almost in her 30s. We both come from (severly) broken families so we know that we should work at it and not fuck up the way our parents did. Also financially we both work together perfectly with me having some property to inherit very soon and her having worked out a level of steady income coming in without having to work for it anymore. We can have the love and family life we always missed by creating it ourselves and this is trully a blessing beyond anything I have ever experienced. A bit background story for me - I have been molested as a kid and that made me very insecure about sexual contact, everytime someone would touch me I would feel attacked. She is my first sexual partner, she got the secret out of me (don't ask me how), she is the first one beside me and the molestor who knew about it and God knows how she helped me so that I have now dealth with it and can speak freely about it. I have accepted it and moved on. God bless my lady. Needles to say she was extremely surpised - not at the fact that I was molested but the fact that I was a virgin. I must say however I found the courage to tell her she is my first sexual partner 6 months into the relationship and that kinda threw her off balance for a second cause she wasnt sure if I'm not going to cheat on her, or be bored with her due to lack of experience and not knowing what I want - which is understandable and through lots of communication we dismissed these completely. All of this is/was very shameful and hard for me to tell her but now it's all out and she know every little dirty secret of mine there is - as it should beHere is my problem though - she has to travel to perform at a show and the guy who organises it (he makes shows for hundres of people) she had sex with 5 days before me and her started our relationship while she was on tour earlier in the year. He is a cocaine addict. She recalls that being horrible sex and a total waste of her time and puts no emotional value into it. Apperantly the guy couldn't even get it up at first. At some point she has to return to the same country to do another show for the same promoter and I feel extremely anxious and disturbed about her doing so. Seems I cannot accept the fact that my wife will be seeing and communicating with a man she randomly had sex with only 5 days before we started. She met him for the first time 3 days before they had sex and they did it on the last day before she left. She will get only a couple of hundred bucks for it, which after some time wont mean anything anyway but she wants to do it because she gets to perform in front of a huge audience. I am really disturbed by this, have talked to her about it and even crossed the line by asking her how can she be so low to sleep with a cocaine addict which really, really was a negative thing to do and she got into a serious nervous breakdown because of it. I did this because of my own insecurities and my lack of experience with other relationships - I just can not go over the fact and do not know how to accept her seeing a man she randomly had sex with. I'm ok with most her ex boyfriends, she can potentialy work with one of them and communicates online with him but she doesn't see them in person. Someone told me I should be worried about them instead of the other guy - cause towards ex-long term partners you can still feelings for - but I trust her completely about that and I'm not even slightly worried. She has stayed with them for period of 2-2.5 years and I'm ok with them but this guy with she was for only 5 minutes as she claims I can not accept no matter how much I try or talk myself into. I told her everything I just wrote and asked her not to go play the show and see him but she refuses to do so. She claims I have mental issues and I need to "deal with the issues in your fucked up head". It's really starting to be a problem for me I've been thinking obsessively about it and I'm getting anxiety attacks. We live in a country where going to a therapist is not a thing to do like in America but rather the opposite - everyone stays away from them and is afraid to go to them cause they have known to leak information about you in school, uni etc. Her past is way more intense then mine and for the most part she has suffered greatly in it, and has health conditions that are requiering fairly gentle approach and conditioning. I've been helping her chill and she has been doing so well since we've been together but there are some ghosts from her past that are still hunting her - her deadbeat father till recently, a guy who practically raped her and she got pregnant from 1.5 year ago (but she invited him to have sex in the first place) that she is dealing with and I am helping her deal with as well. I've had to involve myself and my family so we can hunt down the said guy and make him pay the money for the abortion and procedures, which is very wierd for all, and right before that her father almost beated us/me up. She has also told me somewhat in depth how she has been involved with the drug mafia and of her 'whore faze' which I had to accept as well. I feel as if this guy she is having to meet and communicate in real person is like the last straw to all I can take, with her having the option the not go and do it quite easily but not wanting to, and my brain is going mental. I love her and I want to be with her but I feel as if this is getting out of hand. I don't want to ruin my future marriage because of this one guy and I can't possibly understand why is he such a stick in my eye. I fear my lack of experience in other relationships has not tought me how to accept such things (she having to work with someone she had sex with) and that's it too much for my brain to handle. She refuses to not see him again - she says if he pays her 500 bucks she'll go do the show. Clearly work and personal relationships are a blur to me. What do I do? Should I just harden the ***k up... if yes how to do it and get into the mindset to be able to stand it. Or should I talk to her about it again to not go? Every time I try she starts acting histerical and is refusing to even hear me out. If only she says she won't go play the show and not meet him it will all be back to normal but she refuses to do so. She has given me so much and I feel like a dick for reacting the way I do in this situation but it's just too much now - we had to go do HIV and other sorts of tests because they had unprotected sex and cause as she said 'he is junky what if he did heroin too and he got something from the needles' which pushed me extremely to the edge till we got the results back - and this whole thing is giving me anxiety just thinking about it. All comments and advice greatly appreciated
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abortion, engaged, fiance, her ex, her past, hiv , insecure, money, period, unprotected sex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2010): I find it concerning that your fiance would speak to you so cruelly and abusively re her comment about 'your **** up head'
And her life experiences are certainly very colorful. And it seems she is still attracted to and drawn back to the same scene as before. And will come into contact with the same or similar unsavoury people if she keeps doing these shows. And the same temptations as before.
And most sane women would run a mile from such an unsavoury man as the cocain guy.
You have certainly been through far too much in your young life. And you are sexually inexperienced. While your older fiance has had a wild life with a very rough crowd and some unsavoury associations too. And she was very eager to marry you.
Her willingness to work with the same man, who may even try his luck again, with her, and her acceptance of and familiarity to be comfortable about mixing with a rougher crowd, and be free with giving out sexual favors, so easily, does bother me.
So why do i get this overall feeling that you are being led by a lamb to slaughter?
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