A
female
age
36-40,
*iff1985
writes:i need some advice... i don't know if i have the right to be insecure about this subject or if i am just crazy,here is the situation.my boyfriend and i have been together for a year now, we are living together and are very happy.i have just one problem with our relationship. my boyfriend masturbates to porn and it really bothers me.i wouldn't care if he just masterbated but the fact that he needs to watch naked women to get off bothers me.it is ruining our relationship because he doesn't get why it bothers me so much and thinks that i am just trying to control him.i dont know why it bothers me so much, i know that masterbation is normal and most guys do it. should i just get over it or do i actually have a reason to be so insecure about this???
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2011): To those who say that porn stops men cheating - what a load of rubbish! Are you suggesting that the men that are cheating are not watching porn as well? Really? Clearly as a lot of them will be it's obviously not a stopping them at all. You either cheat or you don't. This is just another excuse to hide bihind like "men are more visual" or "Hard wired" bullcrap that clearly isn't true. So looking at others during masturbation are ok huh? So is it ok for him to hire a couple of prostitutes to have sex while he watches and whacks off over it? Or go to a live sex show perhaps? After all he's only looking, they don't want him and he's not gonna run off with them so that's all ok too I take it?It's perfectly ok for you not to like this so don't let anyone tell you that you're wrong or to "get over it" 'cos clearly if it were that simple you wouldn't be here would you? and don't beat yourself up about feeling this way - that will make you feel worse. It's not good that even when you offered to watch with him he said no - we all like private time but what's the deal with this? If my other half said he'd like to share in a bit of my solo activity sometimes I'd say yay bring it on!Your man is being selfish - knows this is hurting you and carries on regardless. People talk about the "right" to watch porn, basically we have the "right" to do anything as long as it's legal - we have the right to spend all our time on facebook and ignoring our partner - we have the right to go out all night drinking with our friends and ignore their phone calls. We have the right to be utterly selfish and totally please ourselves in a million different ways - but do we put our right to do what the hell we want before our loved one's feelings? Especially when this issue is related to sex and intamacy and therefore cuts very deep.When people say "oh he's only looking it's you he's with" there are obviously a lot of reasons for this:1.the girls he's watching are prostitutes doing this for money and have no interest in running off with him!2.He might not want them anyway because (like many) he thinks that they're just a piece of dirt for him to jerk over and those sort of girls aren't good enough to go out with.3.From you he gets love, support, comfort, affection companionship, sex...plus all the outside extras he could wish for ie he has his cake and eats it. He gets everything out of this relationship that he wants. and you don't.Sadly I really don't think he will ever stop doing this (even if he tells you he's stopped he's likely to be lying) but you shouldn't just let things stay as they are or else your self asteem will slowly get reduced to nothing. The way I see it there are two options. The first it to end it. the second is to have some sexual freedom of your own ie get yourself an additional playmate and when your bf says he doesn't want you to and it's upsetting him don't forget to tell him that as a woman you need variety and it's your "right" to do what you need to be fully sexually satisfied. Also that it's just sex after all it doesn't mean anything and it's him you're in a relationship with. If he still isn't happy with it maybe point out that by stopping you from doing what you want he is trying to control you - and we can't have that now can we?!!!You (rightly) can't control what he does but you can control your own life so make sure you are getting what you need and don't settle for less!!Good luck xx
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2011): oh god. really? guys like variety. good guys don't want to cheat. porn sates the urge for variety without running off with another girl or to a strip joint (to my mind something considerably worse than looking at porn. strippers DO go home with customers from work.). unless it's child porn, rape porn, or the like, it's okay. and to correct one thing in the original question: "it" is not ruining your relationship, insecurity is. he's got as much a right to look at what he cares to as you do, and being controlling to satisfy your own insecurity seems like a good way either run him away or get him to lie to you. if he's jerking it 24/7 tho, something is wrong.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2011): I mentioned ages ago that if men were more up front at the beginning about their porn use, then women would have the choice as to whether to enter into a relationship with this type of man. We would not be having this problem.
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (13 February 2011):
 Tiff, you have the right to feel anyway you want. Your feelings are not wrong. Pornography makes you feel insecure.
This happens to a lot of women. Some women feel that pornography is adultery, they hate the fact that their partner can be turned on by someone else. Some women hate pornography and find it degrading. Some women are worried their partners may become addicted. Some women think their partners will compare them unfavourably with the women who act in pornography.
Problem is 70% of men look at pornography, and many men (and women) lie about pornography usage. Your partner does understand what you say, but he's not you, he doesn't feel the way you do. Pornography makes him happy for a couple of minutes, and you want to take it away for no good reason, according to him.
There is no way to FORCE a man to give up pornography. Your best bet is to ask him to keep pornography out of your site so you don't have to think about it. You mentioned being insecure, but the women in porn can't touch him, and he won't run away with them. He doesn't compare you to porn stars, and he doesn't think about them when he's with you. Porn doesn't work like that. If you are insecure, working on your own self-confidence will help a lot. Ask him to reassure you about your beauty and his love for you also seems to decrease the feelings of insecurity that some women feel about porn. Arguing about pornography will not make him stop. He will either hide the porn or he will end the relationship.
You don't like porn, he does, try to find a way to compromise so that the arguments stop, or leave him and find a man who doesn't like porn at all.
I know you feel that this is not fair, but as I said, he is not you, and he cannot think like you.
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A
female
reader, Tiff1985 +, writes (11 February 2011):
Tiff1985 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOur sex life is amazing. he only does this when I am sleeping and he says he doesn't want to wake me. which I understand. and I have mentioned us doing this together and he said that it is "personal". but Thank you Blonde68 for your answer.I think it has helped a bit.
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A
female
reader, Blonde68 +, writes (11 February 2011):
You don't actually mention what your own sex life with him is like... but to be truthful, it doesn't really matter if you said you were at it like rabbits 4 times a day, or whether you said you only did it once a month.... Most men just seem to like watching porn... it doesn't mean he isn't fullfilled by you, or that he isn't attracted to you... its just a thing men seem to enjoy.
Have you suggested watching it with him... or isn't that your thing? It can be rather arousing actually and a nice build up to you both having good sex.
Unfortunately the long and short of it is, if you don't like it, he just will keep it a secret from you and do it anyway, which isn't going to be good for your relationship. Its either make or break unfortunately.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2011): I don't think you have anything at all to be worried about. It's not the girls in the video that he's in a relationship with. It's you. If you were a porn star he most likely wouldn't be with you. He's with you because of your morals, sense of humour, nature and whatever else it is that attracted him to you. He is looking at porn, not for any of those things, but simply to create an erotic scene to release.........well, you know the rest. hahaha He might have a very high sex drive as apposed to you. In this case, it's ok to want to fulfill that. If the case was reversed, I'm sure he'd let you masturbate with a little porn to help you along. I know a couple, where she is highly motivated sexually and her partner isn't as much. They have sex together four to five times a week and he's quite happy with that. But her on the other hand, also masturbates once sometimes twice a day as well. He knows that she does and he knows she looks at porn sometimes to do it. This doesn't bother him. If he started looking for it elsewhere, that's when you need to be worried about getting jelous. But don't sweat on the small stuff. Another suggestion. Try watching it with him and see what happens. Try masturbating yourself to porn when you're on your own and you'll see if he has anything to be jelous of. If you find you're not doing it because you wish your were with the guys that are in the movie, then chances are, your partner isn't doing it because he wants to be with the girls. Good luck
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A
female
reader, Pheonix1 +, writes (11 February 2011):
MY boyfriend does it and it used to bother me!
He says its a 'tool' for masturbation. He said he's not attracted to the people, just the sight of pornographic sex is a turn on. He also said he never imagines he's in that situation or from the man's perspective.
Its like when a passionate kissing or sex scene comes on in a film or program, and girls find it quite arousing, it's the same sort of thing.
I personally don't rate porn, doesn't do it for me LOL, but you could always try watching it with him?
Hope this helped.
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