A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupids:I have been with my man for three years this March and we've been through more than most couples I know...I have always known about his hyper-testosterone and do my best to keep up with him and please him so he does not stray..I was recently using his computer for work and in the dropdown menu for his history (I was not looking FOR it, it was there while I was working), were various pornographic websites. I have never had a problem with other exboyfriends looking at porn, and we would sometimes do it together. However, with my current beau, the jealousy that he exhibited when we first started to date, made me uncomfortable to look at these materials with him on the internet and I explained to him that because he had become so unnecessarily jealous of nothing (I have never done anything to stray in any of my previous relationships), that it made me uncomfortable to know that he was looking at naked women (and naked women having sex) but would get mad at me if a male was walking down the same side of the street as I was in real life (clothed! and not even any eye contact! just a normal life situation!).Help me understand his mind? I have driven myself crazy telling myeslf that it is nothing and it is just a need that men have - but how hypocritical should I allow him to be?Thanks
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (13 February 2011):
 Not an expert on ALL men's minds but the few I've grown up with and been close to over the years have similar thought patterns as mine so let me take a stab at this(no pun intended). As I'm sure you know men are visual creatures.i.e, the sight of a nude woman is enough to excite them.
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (13 February 2011):
 Had to look up hyper-testosterone, but it seems like a medical condition where this man is physically and mentally consumed by sex.
Several issues pop up in your post.
1. His hyper-testosterone is something you find difficult to cope with.
2. Excessive and unreasonable jealousy on his part
3. A new dislike of pornography in this relationship.
Pornography is there to help with his hyper-testosterone, from what I read, it's very demanding to deal with his sexxual needs. Pornography is not there to help you, it's doing it's job, it helps smooth out the sexual desires that will leave you resentful and tired.
Excessive jealousy... not sure why he's so hypocritical. Maybe it's part of his condition. A lot of people, women and men look at pornography. A lot of people are ashamed by this, or find it more exciting to look at pornography alone. Some couples can look at pornography together and use it as extra sexual stimulus. But this is not true for everyone. When ask, most people lie about whether they use pornography or not. He doesn't want to share or doesn't feel he can, that's his right. Forcing yourself into someone's secret world destroys the pleasure they may find.
You can go get a porn film of your own, and ask him to watch it with you, but don't be surprised or hurt when he says no. Eating ice-cream on my own is nice, having to share it with someone else is a whole other experience.
Your used to men watching porn, and it didn't bother you before. I don't think it's the porn that bothers you, it's his jealousy and his double standards. This part is something worth fighting for. You have the right to be treated as an equal. If he can look at naked girls, then you can look at naked men. Let him get as angry as he wants, that's the behaviour of a child. He will shout and demand to get his way. Ignore him, tell him you won't be bullied, and you won't be kept at home. Tell him to sort out his jealousy issues or you don't think you'll be able to stay.
Giving into bullies and unreasonable requests will not sort out the problem. It will just make things worst, and he will demand more and more of you, until you are trapped at home. You have done nothing wrong, you don't have to justify your behaviour. If he needs help with his jealousy issues, then tell him to go see a doctor.
Maybe when his jealousy and unreasonable demands disappear, you'll be able to look at pornography and it's use in this relationship with a lighter head.
Good luck.
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