A
male
age
36-40,
*scdude
writes:help me, am a guy and am having a really hard time with my gf past she recently confessed she has been with 20 man from the time she was 20 to 26 and its really bothering me i feel so desperate and bothered by the fact has given herself to all these man..also she has told me intimate details about her sexual past with the man as well as how big they were...am not fairly on the big side so i now feel inferior to her past lovers even though she says it doesnt matter,something inside tells me she lies cause she doesnt want to hurt my feelings. what can i do.
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male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (8 October 2012):
I find it strange too... that you think she's lying. Do you think it could be worse?
One key question here is whether she TOLD you about her past, or you ASKED her about her past.
But ultimately that won't matter neither. What you feel now won't go away in the next ten years. No matter how many times someone can explain you how wrong you are feeling bad about this. That she's chosen you over her ex partners, and bla bla... you will keep feeling bad about this. So, if you can't deal with this right know, break up. Things won't be better.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 October 2012):
 Here is my take on it as an openly sexual woman...
1. she was honest with you about her past that means to me that she has nothing to hide
2. she did not need to be graphic but she was (I used to do that when I was younger before i knew it was not necessary to share the details)
3. BIGGER is NOT better.... (you commented on that and I know that it bothers many younger men if they think that a bigger penis has been where they love to be, that they are not as good... they would be wrong)
when she says penis size does not matter she's probably telling the truth... what matters is gentleness, love, a willingness to please... and good use of hands, fingers and your tongue... and trust me tongue size does not matter...
you say that you think that she is lying... so is this about the fact that she is experienced sexually (and kudos to her for being willing to a. explore her sexuality and B be honest with you about it)
so is it that she's been with all these men (that's one part you spoke to) or is it that you believe she is lying about your love making ability?
because if it's truly about the fact that she's been with the other men, then yes everyone is correct about the RJ and you have to learn to cope with that or leave her...
and if it's not RJ but truly that you feel inadequate and feel she is lying to you, well that's your self-esteem issues and you can fix that...
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (8 October 2012):
 "I do not believe you are feeling retroactive jealously with all due respect to one of my fellow uncles. I believe you probably have standards and morals, and it bothers you that a woman would have such an intimate experience with that many men."
This is a highly contentious subject. But here's a good way to work out which side of the fence you sit.
Which one of these two people would you say has better 'standards and morals'?
- A 26 year old woman who has had sex with 20 men in the last 6 years, all practiced consensually, safely and in the context of good communication and honesty about their sex life and other partners.
- A 26 year old woman who has been with the same boyfriend for the last 6 years but was unfaithful to him when he was away on business one weekend and has never told him about it.
The intention of this question is to show that 'standards and morals' can be highly subjective.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (8 October 2012):
 Also, I do not believe you are feeling retroactive jealously with all due respect to one of my fellow uncles. I believe you probably have standards and morals, and it bothers you that a woman would have such an intimate experience with that many men.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (8 October 2012):
I agree. If this is something that really bothers you, and you can't seem to get over it, I would leave. Life is too short to spend dwelling on something like this. I agree that some people can get over it, but it requires a lot of hard work...and even then...it probably still lingers in the back of someone's mind even when he does get over it.
If a man I had been with had been with had that many women, it would bother me too. I pride myself on being a very healthy person, and honestly, sleeping with that many people isn't in my defintion of *healthy*.
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (8 October 2012):
This comes up here all the time: you are not alone. It's often called 'retroactive jealousy', since the symptoms resemble jealousy although it's directed at her past, generally not something she's doing now.
Many men are unable to overcome it and it continues to haunt them. However some (including myself) are able to overcome it enough to have healthy relationships with women with 'pasts' and have it not bother us. So it is possible to overcome it, but it's not easy.
Here's a detailed discussion on it:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retroactive-jealousy--how-do-i-overcome-it.html
If you search for 'retroactive jealousy' on this site you'll find hundreds more accounts.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (8 October 2012):
 I think women who talk about details of their past proudfully do so not because it's something to confess about, they do that because deep down inside they are insecure too so by bragging about their pasts they are expressing how desired they are by men. She made the mistakes thinking this is what men like to hear and would make them want to conquer her, driving their competitive nature. She did not know this would hurt you.
I am on the experienced side. I don't throw myself at men although I have experienced different shapes and sizes. I would not make an absolute statement like size matters or it doesn't. I try to look at each relationship as unique and that each person has something to offer, whether we walk a short path or a long one together. The man who captures my heart is of course something out of the bedroom, not just his size or skill. When you are looking for a deep relationship, penis size seems very petty. You should see if you are looking for the same thing in relationships instead of obsessing over penis size.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (8 October 2012):
 This about this logically. If she's told you all of the sordid details about her past sexual history when she absolutely didn't have to, and I would have strongly advised against it in the first place, then why would you think she's lying?
If she wanted to spare your feelings, she wouldn't have talked about her past sexual history in the first place.
I think this is retroactive jealousy which causes you a simple conundrum. Do you live with her past and love her anyway, or do you decide that it's a dealbreaker and end things with her?
Those are the only two honest choices. It's not an honest choice if you stay with her and continuously hold her past over her head. Her past is her right to have, as it was not an offense against you. So, you either come to grips with its existence, or you move on. Her sexual past isn't yours to forgive or judge, as yours isn't hers either.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2012): You are feeling retroactive jealousy. (But you don't feel "jealous" do you? The name is not really an accurate description for everyone dealing with this.) Here are the basics: 1. Its normal. 2. There is no cure, your only option is to break up with her or deal with it.3. The bad feelings do not go away over time. Don't stay with her if you cannot stomach the idea of still feeling this way about it 5 or 10 years from now. 4. It does not help to keep finding out more information about her past. Stop asking questions. If you stay with her you need to deal with it well enough to not give her a hard time about it. Make a choice, either accept her past totally or break up. Nothing in between. Do not expect much understanding from other people, especially those who have never dealt with this problem. Some mean well, others just want to be hurtful, but either way their advice is rarely helpful. The only advice worth listening to is usually from people who have actually suffered from RJ. Some people feel RJ out of jealousy. Others have moral problems with so much casual sex. Others don't object to casual sex in theory but they personally find it unattractive in their partner. Etc. People feel RJ for different reasons, not everyone is alike. If you figure out exactly what is bothering you about it, that may help you to deal with it better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2012):
Ditch her now before you get too involved with a self obsessed woman. Why tell ALL about sexual encounters unless your hoping for a reaction? she is being very immature and mean to you. Find someone who hasn't been round the block a few times....
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