A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a group of friends who I was at a party with last weekend. They know and study with this girl. She is very slutty I would say. She grabs at the guys (she's got 3-4 guys she's always grabbing at). Now, what they do is their business, but this goes on in the middle of the room at a party, and loud and obvious. It is inappropriate and really just makes everyone else uncomfortable. She'll be sitting on their laps "riding" them, bouncing up and down. Or flash her tits. Or grab at their bodies, butts and chest and thighs. You name it. She's all over them, leaning into their crotches as if she was to give a blowjob. She refers to herself as the "sex android". It's all really uncomfortable for everyone else who aren't participating in this semi-orgy. Luckily for me I don't have to spend much time with her, other than at social gatherings. But since last weekend I have gotten fed up with it. Now I am wondering what should be the best approach on this matter. Another friend of mine has resorted to avoiding her to the best of her abilities. She wont show up if this girl is going to a gathering, or if she happens to be at the same place as her she tries to ignore her completely. I'm wondering if I should just do the same? Avoid her and ignore her? She's really provocative. Last weekend at the party I pulled one of my friends (whom she was humping), aside to ask him why he was allowing her to do this to him. I also told him it made me feel uncomfortable to watch this. He claimed it's just "friendly", but that he has his limits and when her hands gets too far up his thigh he pulls her off. Anyway, he asked if he should have her stop doing it (to him anyway), as it made me uncomfortable. I don't know, should I tell my friend to get her to back off, or should I let them carry on and just ignore her? PS. A friend of mine who studies with her says she does this at university too, and that some professors have seen it as well. Is it possible that she could get expelled for public inappropriate behavior?
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (20 March 2012):
 My room mate at University was very much like the girl you described. She used to sleep naked, she was very sexual, she would dress provocatively, make out with every guy she could lay her hands on, and as you said, " sitting on their laps "riding" them, bouncing up and down. Or flash her tits. Or grab at their bodies, butts and chest and thighs", I've literally seen her do all of this.
It made me feel sick to the core and eventually I had my room changed because I couldn't deal with her nonsense anymore. She was drunk before my first major end semester exam and I had to spend the night holding her while she was throwing up, when I should have been studying. Her bra was undone and her boobs were hanging out, I've never seen anyone in such a state my whole life. Reading your question brought back those awful memories.
I've never really given her a thought, but now that I look back, I pity her. She grew up in a disturbed family, where her father was having an affair and everyone knew about the mistress and there would be fights everyday. Her first sex partner was her first cousin, who walked into the room once while she was changing and proceeded to have sex with her. The time time was painful and he almost forced himself on her and this pattern continued. The time when I met this girl, maybe in 2005-6, she desperately wanted to get married to her cousin, but he was in the army and had completely blocked her out of his life.
Many more men followed, and she allowed herself to be used and by the time I met her, she was in the exact state your friend is now. Actually I fail to understand how someone who has had a dark past can turn to sex as a way of seeking solace, but that's what they do. Its a pattern OP.
I am pretty sure your friend too has been abused in some way or has had a past which she would rather forget and her behavior now is a manifestation of that. Guys who allow this girl to let her do all this with them are just being themselves. You have to realize that that's how they think, they have nothing to lose, and if a girl is grinding against them, why would they stop it? They have nothing to lose, why would they stop a girl from getting close to them?
I think you should just pity her and feel bad for her because obviously she is not normal. You dont have to talk to her if you dont want to or keep the interaction at a minimum, but just dont let her get to you.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (19 March 2012):
 Her behaviour is HER'S... Your reaction to it is YOUR'S....
If they (her behaviour/your reaction) are incompatible, then YOU are free to stay away from her....
What's the question???????????????????
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for coming back to me on this Cerberus. What I mean by "how can a true friend accept this" was slightly misunderstood. I mean to ask, if this girl is a good friend to one of these guys she grabs at, how can that guy let her grab at him, and use it to stroke his own ego? You say guys take advantage of her because she is so willing. So, if a guy is her true friend, will he not tell her to not touch him that way, and show her that he can he her friend without all the sexual contact?
I'm thinking that if I had a female friend who was rubbing up on me like that all the time, and she was a close friend, I'd not let her. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't like to mix sex and friendship. I don't grab at my friends asses and rub their chests etc, at least not in the manner she is (and not to the amount she is!). I have close female friends who I occasionally kiss on the lips when we say hi. But it's non sexual. To stroke their thighs is something I wouldn't even think of. If a friend did that to me I probably wouldn't think of them as a friend any longer, or I'd probably think that they are degrading themselves and should stop. I certain wouldn't let them carry on doing it to me.
So, if these guys let her do this to them, is this then a sign of them being bad friends, or maybe not friends at all, but only interested in her for the perks and attention she gives them? For example, the woman you know. I am sorry to hear about her past and how badly it has affected her life. But if she was to start stroking your thigh and lean over on your lap, would you let her? If she was grabbing your butt, would you laugh it off and say it's just who she is?
Your post has made me think twice about this. I did start out as being judgmental, but now I think she probably just doesn't know how to make friends without being sexual with them. Maybe she is scared that if she stops being overtly sexual the "friends" she have will lose interest in her? But I think real friends will not want her to be sexual with them...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2012): "May I ask if this female friend have experienced any form of sexual abuse?"
Yeah, abused as a child and gang raped as an adult. She learned to use sex as a defence and coping mechanism and is exceptionally promiscuous. She has literally been sexual or had sex with every friend she's ever had male and female. Any time, any guy has ever just walked into her room and climbed into her bed she has given him what he wants basically so she doesn't risk him taking it anyway, or as she puts it "so he'll shut up and stop pestering her for it and she can go to sleep".
I wouldn't discount the possibility that the girl you talk about has similar issues OP, she clearly has a sexual dysfunction and if she's just simply an over the top "party girl" then she will eventually develop this because you and I know you put your hand so close to the fire enough times and you will get burned. Out of all the guys she fools around with there will be those that will want more and won't take no for an answer. There is a reason most of us don't act that way, and the primary reason is a matter of safety.
"But it also makes me think, what true friend would accept this?"
We don't accept it OP, we just understand it and don't judge her for it, there are enough people out there that do (almost everyone) and a real friend is not going to make her feel bad for those things. She accepts the way she is far less than anyone else possibly can. She hates herself for being that way and fights every day against it but it's a battle she is losing because no one hangs around long enough in her life to accept who she is as a person beyond this kind of behaviour. So she is in a cycle OP and one that other people don't help.
People like you who initially think she's just an attention whore, people who say they're her friends but let her get too sexual with them and then ruin their friendship, the many random assholes only too happy to take advantage of a girl who hands it to them on a plate, the many girls she's had as friends whose boyfriends have taken too much of a liking to her, and the people in general who get caught up in her life only to abandon her once they realize she's a very messed up individual.
What can you do to help a person like that other than accept who they are and look past the behaviour they can't control? How can I stop her when she can't stop herself from doing this?
I've tried many times to distract her from being all over guys but she then gets majorly pissed off with me and it becomes a huge fight. How can I protect her then if she storms off on her own? All I can do and do, is to keep an eye on her from a distance, let her do her thing and protect her from angry girlfriends or assholes trying to take advantage by dragging her away from guys at the end of the night and making sure she gets safely home.
Look it's very easy to think you wouldn't "allow" this, but you just don't know until it's a person you truly care for. All I can do is be a friend let her do what she does and take action at the first sign of trouble. I hope she finds a way past this but she's so closed off to facing the underlying issues that caused this that I don't think she will. Promiscuity is her escape from the mental torture she faces in her day to day life, it's all she knows and has been doing for about 20 years now. She knows she not datable, she knows no guy that isn't equally as messed up is going to want to be with her, and she literally cannot fathom why the world won't just accept that she is that and why there have to be rules to this kind of thing.
You want to help this girl OP, then don't judge her negatively, as long as she doesn't do anything to directly mess with you then let her be. She really is only hurting herself and may only be doing this because inside she's already hurting. Be one of those people that stands out from others and just let her be who she is. Obviously you and she would probably not work as friends but other than that I see no reason to make her feel bad or think negatively of her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWordlywise, it isn't much of a problem for me other then when I am in the same room as her. It is very uncomfortable. It is like being forced to watch two people have sex. I can look away, yes, and I did look away a lot of the time as well. But when in a confined space there's a limit to how much you can ignore her being there. I'm thinking about just not showing up at places where I know she will be. Ignoring her is like trying to ignore the elephant in the room.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Starlights and Cerberus.
Cerberus your answer made me think. My initial reaction was that this girl is attention seeking and annoying, and maybe even a slut. But after reading your answer I see her in a different light.
I started thinking about how this will affect her life and relationships. That she will not gain respect, and yes, a relationship for her will be difficult to keep as I can't think of any boyfriend who would be okay with her behaving like this.
It got me to thinking about why she has a need to sexualize her friendships. That yes, something might in fact be wrong with her. This isn't normal behavior, not socially acceptable behavior. Any normal person can see this. I have heard she acts like this at university as well, and professors have seen her. So she doesn't understand how to keep it private.
You said you have a female friend who is the same. May I ask if this female friend have experienced any form of sexual abuse? I read once about a girl who was sexually abused and who since then thought she needed to have sex with all her friends in order to keep them. This makes me think that maybe this girl thinks she needs to sexualize her friendships in order to still have them as friends.
But it also makes me think, what true friend would accept this? If a friend of mine was acting like this with me I wouldn't allow it. She's grabbing their ass seductively (not a friendly spank), running fingers through their hair, pinching their nipples and stroking their thighs. It isn't "friendly" in any way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2012): I dont see what the problem is, she isn't doing it to you is she.
The only person she's letting down AND putting in danger,is herself. There's having a laugh and theres downright exhibitionism.
I think the best people to talk to her would be her Professors and if her behaviour is the same at University I am pretty certain they will approach her and tell her to tone it down.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2012): "Is it possible that she could get expelled for public inappropriate behaviour?"
Very doubtful OP, you see girls groping guys is "just a bit of fun" whereas if a guy was doing what she was doing he'd be in jail now for molestation. As long as she doesn't do that kind of thing to guys who don't want her doing it, it's not an illegal act.
It's embarrassing OP but I don't see what it has to do with you. She's not your friend, she's not doing it to you or your boyfriend, the guys she's doing this smutty stuff with don't mind so I don't see the problem. Sure it can be uncomfortable and weird to watch, so just don't watch, pretend she's not there.
OP if I were you I'd feel sorry for her, she obviously has some very deep emotional issues if she goes so far outside social convention at gatherings. I mean in her quest for male attention, she's going so far beyond the accepted norm that she's alienating everyone, making a fool of herself and isolating herself even further. That's not good OP, that's not the actions of a mentally healthy individual. I mean even you and your friend want nothing to do with her and have absolutely no respect for her, I have no doubt that's how the majority of people around her think too.
I say the best thing to do is view her as a bit sick in the head, have a bit of sympathy for this girl because there's something majorly wrong in her life if she goes this far. I have a female friend who is the exact same, it makes me cringe and makes going out partying with her difficult because we literally have to drag her off guys when she's drunk. She can't form stable loving relationships with guys because she can't control herself while drunk and no guy can trust her. My friend has set herself up in the minds of guys and her friends as a purely sexual object. I love her, she's a great friend in all ways and feels deep regret after she acts like to the point where it makes he physically ill she's so deeply ashamed of being that way.
She knows how much of an embarrassment she is to us, she knows that being that way gets her into situations that are beyond her control sometimes and she knows that the majority of people around hate her for it and think she's a bitch because she has no boundaries when it comes to being intimate with guys.
This girl you know may not have gotten there yet, she may think this is all a bit of fun still but OP this is going to come down hard on her some day and it will not be a pretty sight when it does.
Tell your male friends that she's not mentally healthy and they shouldn't take advantage of a girl with her warped mind set. OP she's going to get used and thrown away by guys all her life and she's sabotaging any chance she has at getting respect from them and being viewed as anything other than a warm hole. Try not to judge her too harshly OP, she's in for a long, long tough life by acting this way, try and feel a bit of sympathy for her because she's found the completely wrong way to alleviate whatever is wrong inside her head.
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A
female
reader, Starlights  +, writes (19 March 2012):
 Well it sounds like this girl knows her behavior is extreme yet she still does it for attention and fun.
You could talk to her but she may not want to change just to accomodate you and your friends feelings.
My advice is, if she's a good friend of yours , talk to her and explain how your feeling.
If she isnt that good of a friend, what does it matter? avoid her then. Let her have her fun!
Goodluck.
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