A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My daughter is 16, 4.0 student, musically gifted, volunteers, involved in many clubs, self driven and goal oriented, very attractive and has a good heart. But I don't like her dating the boy she is dating. I don't know what to do here. I allowed them to date against my better judgement a year ago. He has tattoo's, several piercings, is failing and can't get his driving permit, gets in trouble for skipping, already been in trouble with law for a minor violation. I've read some of their texts and he is emotionally manipulative, and cuts himself. They broke up a few months ago and it ended up with him and his older adult friends bullying my daughter online. it got to the point to where I called the school and threatened law enforcement on them because she was getting scared of being alone after school. Her father even confronted one of the adult bullies. But guess what? they are back together, but against our blessing. I don't trust him with her. The boy intentionally showed up at the restaurant where my daughter was eating with her father on father's day and sat right next to them. I found that disrespectful because he was bucking up to her own father. So what is the best way to handle this situation? any advice?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 June 2011):
 Personally, when my now 19 yr old daughter wanted to date boys we did not like, (as long as they were under 18) they were welcome in our home so we could keep an eye on them...
we never told her we didn't like a boy she liked... we just helped her see his behavior for what it was....
so hard to do that but I find if we tell them NO they do it anyway...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn Response to RedAthena, I did ask my daughter what she loves about him. She said he is her bestfriend and can talk to him about anything. She said that she knows he is disrespectful loser, but she is attached to him. During their last break up she said she couldnt focus and stayed so busy trying to find a social life. She does spend alot of her time with school and stuff. I don't feel that close to my daughter. And I don't think she feels that close to her father. We are her parents and she wants me to be her friend. And with a 16 year old, it is hard to be her friend and parent. When she and this boy broke up, she was glued to my hip and I felt we were getting closer. She isn't very happy with us right now because we aren't letting her see him.
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A
female
reader, Thepolarbear  +, writes (22 June 2011):
Let your daughter learn from her mistakes. I was once dating a rebel whom my parents really didn't approve of from the start. But I persisted against their advice, probably because they told me not too. Breaking rules and rebelling against your parents is all part of growing up at one stage or another in life. We all do it.
I did rebel and my college grades dropped and I skipped classes because I just wanted to spend time with him when he wasn't working in his shitty job. Then I had my heart broken and the rosetinted glasses came off.
I was thankful to go home and straight into the arms of my parents who didn't instantly say I told you so but comforted me and reasured me I was better off.
I would say let your daughter make the mistakes she's making, tell her calmly what you think of the boy but leave it at that. She will soon realise you were right and then you can make sure your there with her when she needs you instead of hiding away feeling horrible and embarrassed you were right in the end, all because you had numerous arguments about how she shouldn't be with him. She is growing up and we all have to learn our lessons
I've learnt that I should listen to my parents more often and that the only man a girl can rely on is her daddy :)
your daughter will love and respect you all the more for supporting her through right and wrong
remember she's in love and will just become all the more determined the more you tell her she shouldn't be with him
hope I have helped in some way
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A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (22 June 2011):
This is a life lesson your daughter is looking to learn, and it is not one you can teach her, she needs to learn it from life experience. I know you wish you could be there as support, with training wheels, while she is a beginner in relationships, but it doesn't work like that unfortunately.
Maybe she will not have a good experience from this relationship. Maybe she wants to know what it is like to date a rebel, and get in touch with her rebellions side, maybe she wants to know what it is like to try and help "the loser", or try change the "bad boy" and make him better. Through experience, she will learn that she can't do these things, but she is looking to try. She is looking to experience these things and figure it out, which is normal. As any parent, you would like for her to try and figure these things out without going through too much hardship, but that isn't for you to determine. You can't choose her experiences for her.
There is something about him, and about this relationship, that she is choosing. Part of her wants to be in it. Either it is right for her, or in time she will figure out why it isn't right for her and the relationship will end. Your job is to support her while she figures her life out. You can also be totally honest with her, if you don't like him you can tell her, and if you think there are things that are happening in the relationship that aren't right, or aren't good for her, you can tell her your thoughts, but you can't tell her what to do any more, she is at the age where she has to make her own decisions.
It will be good for your relationship with your daughter if you tell her that you are concerned that she is going out with a guy that isn't good for her, or isn't a good guy, or doesn't treat her well, or isn't doing a good job of maintaining a good relationship, or whatever it is you don't like, BUT, that it is her decision, that you will support her in going through whatever she chooses to go through, and that you trust her sense of intelligence and her decision making.
Also, you can keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Your daughter has known him for a long time now, how well do you know him? Invite him round for dinner, bring him closer into the family unit. If he doesn't fit well, your daughter will be able to see it closer to home.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (22 June 2011):
 Also, consider you daughters self esteem. What is she getting FROM this boy that would make her WANT to continue the relationship?
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (21 June 2011):
It really should be up to her Father since the bf decided to intrude. Talk to her Dad and ask him HOW he feels.
Decide as a parenting TEAM how to approach telling your daughter that you are no longer comfortable with her relationship, and since she is still a minor, you are not allowing her to date him any longer.
Then get ready for the drama. Invest in earplugs and get ready to spend lots of time with your daughter.
If you have contact with the boys parents, let them know you are not allowing them to date anymore and why.
When our kids were little, they would put dirty things in their mouths because it felt or tasted good, but they did not understand it was bad for them.
Even as young adults, we can tell them "SPIT THAT OUT".
Best Wishes.
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A
male
reader, justfriends +, writes (21 June 2011):
 he is a scum bag, Im sorry that he cuts himself because thats not cool but the stuff he does isn't right. I don't like that people try and say they are justifying their pain by drugs and stuff because people all over the place are having a worse life than you. Just straight up tell your daughter to get over him. She might not agree with you but she is smart and should see he is no good. For me being 17 years old I have never had the problem of parents not liking me. I have heard from so many parents that I am a good kid but struggle to find a girlfriend... The last girl I had feelings for/still do to the point where I can't see her with another guy especially because I know they are no good and that sucks. I feel like a parent to her because of this so thats why I know about it I guess but for me it is hard to see a guy who has piercing and tattoos and is 19 dating a 15 year old girl like this girl I like. He parents don't like this kid or trust him to drive their daughter but trust me to drive her and have her over to my house without my parents around and I don't plan on breaking that trust. But I am afraid that she doesn't see me as a boyfriend because of that. If he was being an ass to your husband I would have laid into the kid. I don't deal with disrespect at all and that is where my down fall is. Now if I am in my thirties and a little more wise past my superman teenage years I probably would have behaved. I think you should just be honest you have a good kid but she needs to leave this guy. I wish you and her the best.message me if you have more questions
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