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female
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anonymous
writes: My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. We are both late twenties and I love him with all of my heart. I know he is the one for me and we both have expressed that. I get a little anxious with his friends though. One reason is they are basically around the same age or a few years younger and in party mode. They are looking to drink on the weekends, party, meet girls. We see them here and there but honestly at the end of a tiring week at work and at this point in my life it's not really a huge priority for me to be at a loud crowded bar. I would rather relax, make dinner with my boyfriend, watch a movie, have a few drinks at home. I enjoy going out but usually more so to do outdoor hiking etc. Also the other issue is they are friends from childhood and are friends with a girl my boyfriend used to love, sleep with etc etc. Thy were never official but from the beginning he was honest and told me about her before ever meeting her. He said she is the type to cause drama, mark her territory or try and be flirty in front of me. When I randomly met her for the first time without even knowing it was her, I knew my boyfriend and her had slept together etc. I didn't feel comfortable from the beginning and I know that will never change. He basically stopped taking to her knowing her being around would just cause a lot of issues. His friends are still connected with her though which is their business. My problem is I have to feel anxious if we do go out wondering if they are going to tell her where we all are and she shows up. It happened twice before and I felt very uncomfortable. I sometimes wonder if they did it purposely to cause problems. I didn't cause a scene or anything because I am too proud but at the end of the day my time off is precious and I don't want to spend it feeling anxious and to be around someone he used to sleep with. I am basically at a point where I want to keep moving forward, I don't want to be at a bar too often and I think my boyfriend feels the same but I know he doesn't want to lose them either. I just have a very hard time dealing with them calling and then wondering is this girl gonna show up. They seem to still have the mindset it is highschool and everyone should be hanging out together. They want to invite even other girls from years back that boyfriend knew and I guess in the end I don't feel like being in a group where my boyfriend is gonna need to place attention on other girls.Am I entirely wrong for feeling this way? What advice is there to deal with this?
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (6 February 2014):
 You ask: "Am I entirely wrong for feeling this way? What advice is there to deal with this? "
It's natural for you do feel as you do..... HOWEVER, it should result in two things:
1. You and B/F must decide if your feelings - and his behaviour - are, or will, become fatal to your relationship. IF he doesn't provide substantial evidence that he has no more than a passing "friendship" relation with this woman... then your concerns are valid... and it is up to HIM to assuage them!!!!
2. You - and you alone - must decide if you want to socialize in this new guy's circle. I detect that he/they are accustomed to doing things that do not appeal all that much to you. IF you are going to travel in his "circle," then you must feel comfortable there. IF his, and his circle's, activities are simply not things that you want to do... then reconcile that you and he do not have a satisfactory overlap of interest(s) such that you can remain a couple....
Been where you are (I'm "the guy")... and it took a bit of squirming/adjusting/compromise (by both of us) to figure out how to handle those very matters that concern you....
Good luck...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2014): Are you wrong for feeling this way? No, you can't help the way you feel. But if you don't want to go to the bar with his friends, then don't go. Let him hang out with his friends on his own. Or he might just choose to spend time with you, but there's nothing wrong with him spending time with the guys when you aren't there. You're worrying about something that has happened less than a handful of times in the last year and a half? Because some brazen tart from his past might show up and....what? That he might talk to her? They were never official. You and your boyfriend ARE official. You feel anxious because you are giving her far more credit than she deserves. And you are giving your boyfriend far less. Trust him until you have a reason not to. Spend your free time however you feel will be most relaxing, you certainly don't need to spend it anywhere that you feel anxious. But to feel anxious about someone who clearly didn't make the cut to be a proper girlfriend just seems like a silly waste of energy to me.
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