A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,I'm in my 50's, my husband passed away 10 years ago, since then I've dated but never found the right man. I recently began a relationship with a man a couple yrs older, I knew him for years. He made it clear that he would never marry but he would live with someone. He said if things worked out between us in a few years, I could sell my home and move in with him and he would charge me an agreed amount. But he said if he died, how long would I need to move out because he is leaving everything to his adult children, he said that was only fair. I was stunned by this. I certainly don't want a future with someone where I'd be homeless one day should anything happen to them. Just wanted to see what others thought of this. Thanks. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 June 2012):
 My father is not married to his current life partner. They own their house together however so whomever dies first the other inherits the home… they pay the bills fairly… out of their income (they are both retired) and live as husband and wife without the piece of paper… both had adult children and grandchildren when they got together…
Your situation sounds a bit like a business deal. I can understand the not wanting to marry (that’s my dad and his partner neither) but if he wants to live together I would suggest that you either BOTH sell or rent your homes and go to a neutral space together.
As for CHARGING YOU an agreed amount. Partners don’t CHARGE they SHARE… sounds to me like he does not view you as an equal.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2012): Wait, what does he mean charge? As in he'd charge rent or ask you to pay half for the house? Half for the house or any kind of similar charge then youd have to make that legal. Selling your home and then charging you rent would not leave you homeless as you'd have a nice chunk of cash from the sale to fall back on and find your own place.
Look you can understand him wanting to protect his assets but if he wants you to part with money then you have to get something in return. He cant expect you to pay to live with him without some kind recompense. If he wants you to move in yet not have any kind of control over the house then he cant ask you for anything other than to pay for half of the maintenance and living costs and you know what OP if you ever decide to move into another guys house don't sell yours. Rent it out and have a nice monthly income from it instead. You can always take it back then should you need to move back.
This guy is crazy though if he wants you to just hand over a lump sum and get nothing for your money.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2012): The normal arrangement for this kind of thing is that the 'second' wife stays in the home after the man dies and then the house passes to his kids when she dies. There is normally no charge for living there but everyone can make their own arrangements. He is clearly frightened that he might lose the house to you and you would not pass it to his children. I am all for making wills and making things clear as to what happens when you die and I am the same age as you but it is a very clinical way I which to behave. The only bit that would put me off Would be the charging me to live there section. I suppose he feels jealous that you would have money from the sale of your home and feels why should he have to support you without you contributing as well. Again this is normally done by the 'wife' paying food, bills etc but maybe he sees it differently. It is a somewhat cold arrangement but I can see where he is coming from - he is just safe guarding his assets but without doubt he could phrase it in a better way!
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (4 June 2012):
 You havent said if he expects you to put the proceeds from the sale of your house into his house. If this is what he wants then no, I wouldn't touch this arrangment with a barge pole.
He may not have considered all the options, try suggesting to him HE move into YOUR home, rent his out, and use the money he gets paid to pay rent to you. HA!
My gut feeling is that he wont agree, but maybe we are all misjudging him .... try talking to him again, find out just what it is he is suggesting, and ask him if he cant see any alternatives.
You both may be better off staying in your own homes and just sharing the costs associated with regular sleep overs.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2012): I say if you want to continue in this relationship offer to let him move in with you and pay rent. I understand him wanting to leave his house to his kids (especially if their mother helped purchase and maintain it) but where does that leave you? My grandfather remarried and wants his house to go to his children, but only AFTER his second wife's death. (And by the way she doesn't pay rent) If he doesn't care about you enough to care about what happens to you after his death, then he doesn't care about you enough. Period.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for your input. I agree, this isn't the man for me.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (3 June 2012):
 I don't have to worry about money at all in my life, still I won't date this man, even if his kids are willing to give me money when I get old. He can get himself a roommate. It could be how he was conned by women before but he shouldn't treat every woman as a potential predator. If this is how he really feels about women he shouldn't be in a relationship with one.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2012): May b he is looking for someone to take care of him, and also he is going to charge u to live in his house. So, it's a good situation for him, isn t it?
I d stay away from him, to pragmatic with all his calculations.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2012): Hello . . please dont sell your home or give him any kind of amount as it seems you'd loose it should he pass away . surely it isnt meant to be like that ? . . i dont think that you'll ever be a priority to this man . god bless .
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