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anonymous
writes:Hey guys. Thanks for looking at my dilemma! And I will keep it short.,..Basically, I'm 27 years old, single mum to a beautiful 5 month old boy. The father is my ex, we broke up when I was pregnant, he is still around for our son and is a great dad however we wont be getting back together. My problem is, although I love my son more than anything in the world, I dont think I like being a mum. I have found the past 5 months of my life the most difficult and everyone tells me that its because I'm bringing up my baby on my own (his dad sees him once a week). But I think its more than that. Yes its been extremely hard with night feeds, crying and teething etc but I've got used to it. Whats bothering me is that I want all my freedom back. My biggest regret is that I never went travelling, and now I probably never will! And although I love my son to bits, sometimes I cant wait for his dad to have him for the day so I can have the day to myself. I've never liked kids, and I know you're thinking why the hell did you have one then! But me and my ex were very much in love and we wanted to start a family. Even that idea scares the hell out of me now! I just want to be free, do my own thing, go wherever I please...My friend has a villa in Ibiza and nexy summer I feel like going out there for a month. My son will stay with his dad and he will be 15 months old. I know I will miss him like crazy but on the other hand I want to be able to experience it and enjoy myself. Is this selfish? I know that there are a lot of women out there who wouldn't dream of leaving their child not even for a minute. And I will probably get some very harsh answers to this question... but I'm not saying that I dont care about or love my child. I'm saying that I dont like being a mum, I dont want to evolve my entire life around my child I still want to experience stuff for myself. Can anyone relate to this? Or am I being totally selfish?
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey guys, thanks so much for all of your responses.
A few of you asked if I had suppost from other family members, yes I do and his father is involved alot too. But its not the day-to-day things I find hard. Its the whole concept of throwing myself into motherhood and letting my life revolve around my child. Because it doesnt. That said, I would never ever give him up for adoption or even give him to his dad to bring up. No way. Your answers have helped me alot though, especially about post-partum depression which Im going to look into.
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reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (19 September 2010):
 Do you have any siblings who can help you out? What about your parents? A support group at a church perhaps? Is it that you miss the freedom you had before having a baby, or the stress of raising a kid on your own that is making you feel this way?
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reader, SirenaBlusera +, writes (19 September 2010):
There's something really important I forgot to mention: You must do what's in the best interest of the child. I imagine how rough it is to be a single mom. But, you brought him into the world and every child deserves to have a mother to love and cherish him. That little thing deserves to be cherished and loved... Please, please, please do whatever is best for him. I'm not saying you don't love him, just that he deserves to be loved and to be given everything and provided for.
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reader, SirenaBlusera +, writes (19 September 2010):
I've read about postpartnum depression... I am sensing that you have an underlying depression, and I'm not sure about the time frame in which ppd can strike, but is it possible that you're experiencing just that?
I know that none of us on the site are psychologists or psychiatrists, blah blah blah, but... it's just an idea.
Getting away for a couple weeks or getting a hobby is probably viable.
I think it would help for you to see a counselor or psychiatrist... I'm just sensing an underlying depression. I know that I've never had any children of my own, but I've read a lot about ppd. It's very common, and you're not alone.
Hope this helps...
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reader, C. Grant  +, writes (18 September 2010):
 Yep, parenting means an inconceivable loss of freedom. A child needs a stable presence in his life, 24/7 for the first few years, and not much less than that until they're at least 18. Being a single mom and doing it well is one of the toughest jobs around -- I watched my sister do it. Frankly it's plenty difficult even with two parents.
You haven't said what kind of support you have. Are your and/or his parents willing and able to help care for your child? Grandparents can play a huge role in helping a single mom to cope. If they're a regular part of his life, leaving a child with them for a week or two on rare occasions isn't so bad.
To be very blunt, I see you as having three choices. The first is to suck it up and recognize that serious "me time" like a month in Ibiza is on hold for the next several years. From the sound of your post, that's not really where you are -- either because of post-partum blues or because you had a child before you were mature enough to cope.
The second is to be selfish, look after you, and risk raising a child with all sorts of attachment and other issues.
The third is to place the child for adoption. At five months, there will be plenty of couples thrilled to take him.
Please do what's best for your child, whatever that might be.
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reader, youngmum89  +, writes (18 September 2010):
 hello,i got pregnant when i was 15 16 when i had my son he is now 5 and a half, i love him with all my heart i seriously wouldn't change him for the world, when i found out i was pregnant i didnt tel anyone til i was 5 months gone, i felt ashamed cos i was so young it took a long time to come around to the idea of becoming a mom your lucky you have his dad around my son has never seen his dad as he doesnt want anything to do with him, i see were your coming from wanting your own space i'm lucky to have that as my parents are brilliant whenever i want to go away on holiday they mind him mind you he's not as young as yours i think in time you'll start loving been a mom specially when he starts talking and learning to walk he's going to look upto you more as he's with you more than his father as your not enjoying been a mom your not seeing all the little things he can do i think you should take some time out and think of everything like wat you've got to lose you can still go travelling your still young wait a few years till your son is old enough or something, if you seriously hate the thought of been with him when you no you could be off in ibiza then you should let his father take care of him but you'll be the sorry one later on in his life if you do that, you no babies pick up on things so your son will no if ur not enjoying been a mom i hope this helps you in some way but you have a child other people would die to have a child like goodluck
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reader, tennisstar88  +, writes (18 September 2010):
 Woah, you should have thought about that long before you got pregnant or used contraceptives. Or at the birth given him up for adoption if you didn't want the baby. Your life now revolves around him because he relies on you, you have to put his needs before your own. He is unable to care for himself, hence why you're doing it. You are probably right there are some moms out there who can't wait to drop their baby because they're tired and have no help. But would any of them say they don't like being a mom? I doubt it, they made the choice to have the child. So did you. The single mothers I know feel blessed to have their child and wouldn't change it for anything.
Do you know how lucky you are to be a mother? Are you aware of all the infertile women who pay $25,000 for fertility drugs that may or may not work not to mention the risks involved, and women who are going through the process of trying to conceive and actually want a baby more than anything? These women want nothing more than to have a swaddled bundle of joy in their arms, it's worth it to them to have cankles, sausage toes, gain 40 pounds, have morning sickness, and to give birth naturally just to get their miracle. It's a dream that some may never achieve. They try so hard, reading their body temperature, tracking their ovulation, spending $20 dollars on a special sperm friendly lube that may or may not work, laying with their pelvises upward, not to mention all that money spent on pregnancy tests only to get a negative staring back in your face. And in the event you do get some symptoms of pregnancy, you're oh so excited that this may be finally it for you after 6 months of nothing only to cry because you got your period the next day.
Sorry, if I sound harsh but you do sound selfish. You really need to take a step back and realize just how lucky you are to have your son.
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reader, CaringGuy +, writes (18 September 2010):
I actually think you'll find there are millions of other women who have felt this way at some point, but haven't necessarily said it because they are scared of being judged. Several woman I know have all said that while they love their children, they do like their own space. So you're pretty normal, and it's healthy that you recognize it would be dangerous for you to make your whole life revolve around your son. You do need your own things too.
That said, you are now a mother, and your freedom on once sense is now gone. There will be no travelling the world until your son is a lot older, there will be no going to Ibiza for a month. 1 week yes, maybe 2. Not a month. That will have effects on your son which you don't want to manifest later in life (psychological studies have proved that lack of mother during infant years has a big effect, and not in a good way).
The price of having a child, is that you now have something that depends on you for life. You can't run, you can't hide, because one day that child will want answers.
So, get hobbies, friends, career etc. By all means go away to Ibiza with your friend next year for a couple of weeks. But don't look for freedom, because it's gone.
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