A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I was with someone for two years who told me that he saw himself having babies with me and we just seemed to have an instant deep connection.He had a girlfriend that he lived with when we met but even though we agreed we wanted to be together, nothing happened until he'd split with her. We had the moving in conversation in November and he said he wasn't ready and I said fine as it would be a disaster to move in before both were ready.Everything was great, I spent Christmas with his fanily (even though I never felt like they liked me as I wasn't into the same things as them) and all was good until I had to move out of my flat and asked to stay with him for a month as I was going to buy a place instead of rent. He then seemed to go distant and it was like he was freaking out about the commitment but I asked him if he was saying that will never happen for us as I would've ended it and he said he wasn't saying that - but two weeks later we split even though he was still saying he loved me the day before!It was very abrupt and out of the blue with him saying horrible things like we were pretending to have more in common than we did - after two years you don't say something like that! He just was very cold and didn't seem like him. First he said it had been a slow gradual thing in terms of deciding this but when I said but you said two weeks ago that you could see a future for us and he said he meant that at the time, well which is it?!Anyway two months on and I am feeling a bit stronger but I'm still very confused as he is saying conflicting things and there doesn't seem to be a reason for why he's done this.He said that I was buying a place to be near him (I do work here too!) and he didn't want to move in with me (I didn't ask him to though, I was buying my own place) and he wasn't sure so just made the decision. Which just seems crazy to me.Then recently we had a discussion (as we work at the same place which is hard) and he said that he does still have feelings for me but just couldn't see us being together(which contradicts him telling me that his feelings were gone) and that it wasn't about commitment but the fact he couldn't see those on the horizon was a factor in him thinking he shouldn't carry on but he enjoyed us and wasn't punishing me! None of it makes sense - he tells his mate it was about commitment, then says to me it's not but it is. I think that there is no real reason, and now it feels like was any of it real? It seemed so brilliant, everyone was shocked that we'd parted and people used to say that they wanted to find what we had. I think he will regret this and I think that he deosn't know what he wants. But I wish he'd accept that he's behaved badly by telling me he saw a future and now still telling me that he has feelings for me! It's like he's trying to play me.I guess my question is really how do you come to terms with someone just leaving you with no real reason and how do you accept that you'll just never be able to understand?I'm going out with my friends and trying to have fun but I just feel lonely sometimes and sad that he;s disillusioned me like this as if you can have the special thing that we had and it still not be right, is love magical really or is it just about timing and meeting a man when he's ready to settle down - I'm sad that I don't believe in fairytale romances anymore and that I will never fully trust anyone again!Any advice would be great!Confused
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female
reader, Jendorset +, writes (14 June 2007):
I think he has always been leading you on, telling you what he thinks you want to hear.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2007): First, I feel your pain, and I am sorry. The fact that you even believed in fairy tale romances at the age of 30+ is pretty amazing, I lost that fantasy in my early twenties....relationships are about timing more often than not, and that does not mean that they can't be magical, but sometimes you meet the wrong person and try to make them right because you don't want to be alone....
In this case though, I think you have a commitment phobe on your hands....the way you started your relationship is very much the way he ended it with you....when ever a guy is coming onto you and making promises before he has ended a current relationship, that should send some alarm bells and red flags in your psyche that say slow the heck down and let me get out of here....
I think people will tell us who we are if we will just listen, and I think he has been telling you for quite sometime that he does not want to move in with you and does not want the commitment of marriage, you do so he is getting the heck out of dodge, and true to his modus operandi, he is probably looking for a new woman to take your place so he does not have to be alone with himself to do any soul searching and to ease him out of this relationship in a more comfortable style that suits HIM.
Past behavior is a pretty good predictor of future behavior, he was leaving someone else when he was coming on to you, he does not care much about anything but number one, himself.
I know it is dissappointing, but what you are feeling is hurt and rejection and disbelief that you have been duped, I just don't think your eyes were fully opened, or you would not have gotten in so deep with this guy.
You can trust someone again, but determine what kind of guy with what type of character traits you need to make you happy, and reject the guys that fall well below the bar, if commitment is on your list, then don't date a guy dumping another girl for you.....
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