A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyoneHope you can all help me as I don't know whether to follow my head or my heart. Firstly, I have been with my fella for 2 years and he has a wonderful personality, very caring, warm and just a lovely bloke. We get along brilliantly and I really love him as a person...I know he would be there for me through thick and thin, which I know is a rare find. However (this is a long one, so bear with me), there has been a lot of obstacles which I think will affect my future with him. He has 2 wonderful children and a child that is not his, but has taken in as his own. His parents have brought him up and he is very happy now as his mother threw him out (he is nearly 16). However my family is very traditional. I have been brought up very well with good values and I have been pushed to achieve as well as I can. My boyfriends parents have never pushed him to do well. Since he met me though, he decided he wanted to better himself and has taken courses and works part time (on top of his full time job), but never looks for a better job and I always have to push him, which annoys me. His recent part time job is ending, so that means we will have no money, so he will go to this parents to help him, which he will never admit to me or tell me (he wants me to think that he can cope, but I know he can't).However, the obstacles that we have dealt with include the ex - she has never excepted me (not sure why, as we got together 3 years after the breakup, I met the children 9 months after meeting my fella and have never expected to be 'mum' to them. They love me however which makes me feel good. But when they were young, they both went bankrupt. But, the family now has proffesionals involved, as the mother uses the kids as tools, the proff believe the children will be better of with us etc and she kept my fella's step son's biological father away, but now he has come on the scene and causing other problems. We moved into a house a while ago and things have really changed, I never ever get time with my other half as he has work, kid commitments and the kids come to him every weekend. I have never been asked to go to football, dance shows due to the ex being there, which in turn leaves me in the house on my own every night. We have moved to a new area and I have no friends. He has recently asked me to a school show, but I fear that's through me being upset. I am saving my money like mad for a deposit for a house, but he has not saved any and I would really like to get married and have a baby, but he never mentions it, he agrees if I bring it up, but other than that, nothing. He keeps on saying that he will try and save money with me (he can save some as he smokes, and says he will give up soon but has not). He also said to me the other day, we have only been together 2 years, why the rush for marriage and that most couples don't know whether after 2 years that that they should marry. He never married his ex (esp after 2 kids together)which I get nervous about, because kids are a life long commitment to each other, divorce is not. We have not had sex in months due to me being confused and hurt, but I have got through it and I now feel better...My ultimate fear is that turning 33, should I take a chance and be with him, knowing that we can never save money, could have 2 kids full time, no savings and struggling financially, and a mother who is not a nice person...I work in Child Protection Services, so this situation makes it harder for me.My parents know I have not been happy and they are trying to help me, given me choices etc, but I do love my bloke. I am taking a uni course which adds to the stress. I don't know what to do for the best. He does love me though, but is love enough? I don't want to resent him in the long term...Thanks Thanks :)
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bankrupt, divorce, his ex, money, moved in, smokes Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2013): Don't be scared, be brave. It's scary to promise to spend your life with the wrong person. Free yourself. 33 isn't old.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2013): This is the poster.
Thank you for your advice, it is true what u have put. Yes I do want children and he is a good father, but I do not want any children caught in this cross fire.
Just scared of going it alone at my age...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2013): Agree completely with hm101 while asking one additional important question: Do you want children of your own?
Because if you do and you stay with boyfriend then you'll be pretty much dooming any kids you have by him to the same miserable and unhappy childhoods as his kids are now silently enduring. Since his baby mama has chosen to use her kids as a weapon against him, any kids you have together will undoubtedly be caught in the crossfire.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2013): I can see a lot of red flags if you continue your relationship with this guy.
You know it, that's why your asking for advices.
It really disturbing.
Love is not enough reason to get married. (Thank God, your not yet married to him)
You should be mentally, physically, spiritually and financially prepared for it.
I guess your scared being 33 and still single.
It's more scary to get married at 33 to a guy who has a lot of family issues, unprepared, broke, has vices, can't keep promises and not even sure if he wants to marry you.
Why are you doing this to yourself? o'k stay with him.
For a couple of months. See for yourself how miserable it could be. Once, you've experienced it, I'm sure you don't have to ask, You will get away with it.
Because, its not healthy to be with an irresponsible person. If you think his your world. My goodness, I don't know what to say anymore. The world just not revolves around him. You love him, fine. But he needs to change his ways. not just for you, but for him and his kids.
He have a lot of issues. He needs help. help him find a stable job. Help him find himself. i think his lost. your not. give yourself a break. you deserve better.
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