A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm writing to ask for some advice, I don't know if this is the right place to go but I don't know where to start.It's to do with my boyfriend, Jack. I'll give a summary of why we're looking for help.Jack grew up in a pretty unstable upbringing, his dad left when he was 2, and was in and out of his life until he was in his late teens when he died of alcohol related problems. He was an alcoholic, and abusive. His mom is pretty unstable, with her metal health, has always been a heavy drinker, violent (not to Jack and his sister, but to many others). Jack has, countless times, even up to 3 weeks ago, found his mom after she has attempted suicide, even as a child. Quite often she will try to drink herself to death, and he is always the one who tries to revive her and calls the ambulance. In the small village they live in, they are pretty much seen of as the joke of the town, mostly because of his mom.Tina, his mom, was with someone for quite some time, a man called Paul who Jack really looked up to, and saw as his father figue. Then tragically, one day when Jack was in his late teens, Paul collapsed in front of Jack. He died of a brain tumour. Again, Tina went through a bad patch, drinking and trying to kill herself. She even ended up in prison over Christmas 2006. Again it was Jack picking up the pieces, looking after his little sister and his nan, who lives with them due to poor health.It was soon after this that Jack got heavily into drugs, pills, ecstasy, etc. He went on like this until he was about 19 (he's 22 now). He eventually gave up all the drugs after his long term girlfriend of 4 years left him for someone else. She didn't approve of any of his drug taking and found it hard to cope with it, and left him for another man.He then became very heavily into drinking. He was arrested October 2007 for assault against his sister's then boyfriend and 2 police officers - the boyfriend had tried to hit his sister, and Jack had also resisted arrest. He was also using cocaine by this point. His drinking carried on until January 1 2008 when he said he was giving it all up and he wanted to get clean.I met Jack in October 2007. I began working in his local pub in the village, and we became friends, My relationship of 9 months broke up in december 2007, and Jack was a good friend throughout that. We ended up dating mid January 2008, too soon after my relationship ending really, but we really liked each other.Jack carried on doing very well with giving up drink and drugs for 3 months, until one night mid March 2008 where he drank far too much one night while I was working. Everything was fine until we got back to his house, as I stayed most nights through the week with him. I made a comment about him smelling like tequilla, and he flipped. He became very aggitated and aggressive, shouting, pacing the house, waking everyone up (this was about midnight). He was smashing things, and punching things. When I gathered my things to go, he became even more enraged, refusing to let me leave the house, and even going as far as throwing me against the banister as I tried to leave. I saw my only way out as taking him in my car to the pub where I worked to pick up his car, which was what he wanted. But once in the car, driving down the road, he pulled my handbrake on, and tried to smash up my car. I tried to escape and we had a scuffle in my car, eventually someone heard me shouting for help and I managed to get free, escaping into this persons house. Jack kicked my car, causing quite alot of damage to my car. The police were called, and took statements. Jack ended up a couple months later going to court on ABH and criminal damage charges.Yet I gave him another chance. Call it cliche, but I saw a side to him that really showed promise. When he wasn't drinking or on drugs, he was the nicest person. He just seemed to turn evil after too much to drink. We dated for another couple of months, before he began smoking weed, which led to him being back on cocaine. I couldn't tolerate a drug using boyfriend, so I ended it. Again, a couple months later and we got back together. He's up and down, he shows promise that he wants to change, he has been going to counselling, but it doesn't seem to be getting through to him, it's not helping him understand why he acts the way he does, and they're not heloing him with alcohol or drug abuse, although he has specified that he wants help in this area. He doesn't know where to turn and neither do I.A couple weeks ago he had another incident, again drink related. I made the wrong comment and his anger escalated, to the point of him swinging to punch his best friend, and ending up in a fight with a total stranger, and he was arrested. He knows he needs to stop using drugs (at this time, smoking weed). He knows he needs to stop drinking - he's ok until he has about 3 pints, and sometimes he just can't seem to stop, and he just turns. He can't control his anger, or his temper, and I do believe that he is harbouring alot of issues in his head, that he hasn't been able to deal with, from his past.Jack also suffers with low self esteem, lack of confidence (although he puts a big front on), and he has also had various bouts of gambling addiction in the past.Neither of us know which path to take with this, I want to be there to support him, because his family aren't stable enough to do that. He's spoken to his current counsellor who doesn't seem to know where to go with him.
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alcoholic, best friend, broke up, christmas, confidence, drugs, gambling, got back together, in jail, self esteem, swinging, violent Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2008): Have you looked into the possibility of Borderline Personality Disorder? I'm close to your age and in a similar situation with someone who has it. Try going to bpdcentral.com and looking around a bit. It may not apply to your situation, but if you think it sounds right, that might give you some much-needed direction.
A
male
reader, Dazzerg +, writes (16 September 2008):
 This is a tricky one because the basic question you are asking is where do you draw the line and the answer will be different for everybody. You obviously love this guy deeply and are torn. Can I be bold and say I think ALOT more than counselling is needed here. The bottom line is that your bf's main problem is anger management in my eyes and that to my mind requires full blown psychotherepy. In other words he needs to see a shrink. I am sure that can be arranged many ways.
I think the problem here is that everything is trying to be done at once; what needs to be tackled is one thing at a time. So, the main problems are anger managment and drink. Start with them; I think you are going to have to go much higher than a counsellor as I have said..... Drink, you need something like AA which provides its own support network and should in theory take the pressure off you a bit.
Whether you stay or go is your call. You do have to think of yourself and know your limit and be sure that you dont let things go past that or else this will damage you too.
Good luck :)
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A
female
reader, Hopeful Romantic  +, writes (16 September 2008):
 There is so much I want to say to you I don't know where to start. First of all, my ex was a severe alcoholic and I dated him for 2 years strait. I would wake up to the sound of ice hitting the glass as he poured his first drink of Scotch every morning. He would drink constantly all day long until it was time to bed. And when I say constantly, I mean constantly, he was never able to keep a job because his boss would smell the booze. He started cleaning pools & I drove him around because he didn't have a drivers license, but he would drink in the truck from pool to pool putting me in danger of getting an "open container" ticket. And he did used to be a drug abuser as well. He had nice parents, they were there for him as he grew up, his dad was the only one that drank out of his parents, but would only drink at night, not all day long like he does now. ... SO, my point to you is... no matter what the situation is with his family, if he has already started making this his life... there is really not much you can do. I stayed with my ex, I put him through detox, I was there for him & two months later he started drinking again... and even if they do quit, they are still considered an alcoholic & you have to worry every day of your life and hope that somebody doesn't offer him a drink & he takes it becuase all it takes is that one drink & they're hooked again!!! ... I am only 24 years old, so I was with my ex when I was 21,22,23... it was NOT worth it!!! I am glad I was FINALLY able to get away before I ended up staying with such a loser ... thank God I didn't have his children, because how awful would that be if kids had to put up with a dad like that? ... the sad thing is... I still think about my ex almost daily and I STILL feel SORRY for him and wish I could help, but I now know that I cannot! You cannot help anyone that doesn't want your help - please listen to me on this... I have been there and I have tried. My ex boyfriend before this one was a drunk... he drank beer as soon as he got off work till he went to bed and would spend his paycheck on cocain... NOT WORTHI IT! ... so in my short life, I have already wasted 5 years with 2 dead beats that I thought I could change and I cannot and never can. It doens't matter how much they say I love you... of course they do... misery loves company and that is what you are for him... you are his company and you need to remove yourself from the situation. The easiest way to remove yourself is to start ignoring him - do not answer any phone calls - not even if it gets to 50 a day or back to back calls... do not answer. It may take 3 months, but he will eventually stop trying to contact you and you can then you can start making the life that you really want... one to where you can find someone to be there for that is there for you too... not one that you are there for them and you get nothing in return but hurt feelings and tearful nights. :)
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A
female
reader, Star_07 +, writes (16 September 2008):
 As difficult as this may be, you really have to think of yourself first. You can not be his savior. It sounds to me as if he has nowhere to turn and there is no one to support him, you need to think about how this is affecting you and how your life could change in one night. In one night, he could drink too much, become enraged, and you could end up dead. The BEST thing you can do is get out of a romantic relationship with him and refer him to services. He needs to have help with his substance abuse and also counseling. If the counseling he is going to now isnt working, then he needs to determine why it isnt working. Is he going to counseling but not opening up or working on what he needs to? Or is it simply not a good fit? Perhaps he needs to try other types of counseling.
He indeed has problems and has suffered a great deal in his life but you need to be aware that putting your life in jeapardy is not an option. Please talk to him about his options and until he can get himself on the right track, there is no room for a relationship.
I really hope things work out for you. Keep us updated on the situation!
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A
female
reader, askTasha. +, writes (16 September 2008):
You obviously care about Jack alot to want to support him through this, most woman would have left or turned there back on him the first or second time. I only know too well what you are both going through from first hand experience with my step father. Firstly i would like to tell you not to give up hope, there is help out there for you both. my suggestion is that you get Jack to make an appointment with his doctor, there are tablets that Jack can be precribed that help to control the overpowering earge to drink. The tables are only there to help ease the problems. they with not totaly take away the need for alchole neither will they magicaly change his habits. Jack will need you to stand by him and together seeing the counceller and the doctor things should get sorted slowly this will take time. Dont give up on any set backs there might be. Let him know constantly that your there and that your doing this together so that he doesnt feel alone. If you need any more advice or help just ask.
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