A
female
age
36-40,
*tarburstGrin
writes:Hello All, I am dealing with a HUGE dilemma...and I need your help!!My boyfriend and I have been together almost 6 years, we met in college. We are both almost 26. He just graduated Law School last year and hates being a lawyer, so he says he wants to find a decent job before settling down (he has a decent job, doesn't party as much anymore, don't know if this is an excuse or not)... All my friends got married right out of undergrad, and all his guy friends are now recently engaged or married. It seems all his best friends got engaged at once this summer. Now every single one of our close friends are engaged or married. Even though we have been dating the longest, we are the last to get engaged. He bought a house this summer and I moved in with him. We lived in my house that I own (inherited from my family) first, and he moved in with me last December, and now I am trying to rent it out since we moved into this nice huge house that he bought this summer. I am paying him rent even though he never paid me rent in my house (he said because I lived there for free). So I pay him less than half the mortgage of his house... since he has to pay for the house he says. He is mad that I don't pay more than I do, but I tell him I don't want to pay all my earnings to a house I may not get to live in one day in case he doesn't want to marry me, when I very well could live in my own house for free, or rent it out and buy my own different house. I don't like putting chunks of money toward a house that I might not be investing in... but he gets so mad when I say this and says marriage has nothing to do with this and that I should pay rent like anyone would...I asked him one night when we were drinking with our friends (engagement party) when we were getting engaged and he said "when the time is right"Then I asked him last night if I am " The One" for him and he said "I think so" ... I said "you just think so??" and he said "yea well it is a mutual thing and you never tell me that I am the one"... I told him the guy usually initiates that, aaaaand I told him I wanted to be with him by hinting at marriage, didn't I? Then he said, "I don't know what relationship manual you are following, coming up with these ideals of how relationships should be..." so I told him I didn't know what he was thinking either bc he never communicates with me about those things.... then he walked away...We have been out of school, have good jobs, and he still isn't planning on getting engaged anytime soon it seems... I think maybe I should move out, but I don't want that to break us up bc I do love him and we have a good time together! Just this is now making me feel really distant and used. :( How do I get him to propose to me? I feel so insecure and unstable, this is driving me crazy! I hate living here with him, hurting and not knowing if he wants to marry me! It is painful every single day! I feel like I am going to blow up on him, so I need some advice before I do and go nuts! I also know that if I say I am going to move out he is going to have a fit and it is going to cause a fight because he will think I am being dramatic and impatient. But I don't want to keep paying "rent" that could be used to buy this house that his other future wife lives in one day.... and mostly I hate this because I am living with someone that I love and want to marry but maybe he doesnt feel the same??? And that just flat out hurts.Our friends tell me to hang tight and my time will come, and it will be sad because we have mutual friends now ... so a mess if we break up... so I don't know what to do or say to get my non-communicative guy to let me know how he really feels! Whenever I bring it up he gets very defensive like I am annoying him and pushing him... maybe i talk about it too much... but I need answers!! Any advice?? please help.... xoxo, sad and last to get engaged of flippin' everyone :(
View related questions:
best friend, engaged, insecure, money, moved in Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Staceily +, writes (12 December 2012):
 What you need to do is talk to him as openly as possible. No more hinting at marriage. Tell him you need to have a serious conversation with him. Then inform him that you want marriage, you want to be married to him, if he does not want to be married then you will need to find someone else who shares the same life goals. Do not say this in an argumentative way, or pouting, or joking. Say it very matter of fact because that's how it is. If he tries to walk away say you cant live with a man who can't have a serious conversation with you, cause guess what? You can't. Communication is huge in a relationship and he needs to step up, he doesn't get to just walk away when he doesn't like the conversation. If he really won't talk to you about it then you need to leave. At that point I'd be convinced he just doesn't want to marry you.
If after the talk he says he isn't ready right now but knows without a doubt he wants to marry you in the future then you need to be patient. He may be waiting for just the right time or something, who knows. But if this is what he says DO NOT force a time line out of him. Say "I'm so happy to hear that, I love you and I'm glad we are on the same page." it shows you aren't rushing him and you appreciate him.
I think after a serious heart to heart talk you will know where he stands and will know what to do afterwards. If you are truly incapabale of having a serious talk with him about your future then the relationship is as good as dead. At 6 years he damn well knows whether he plans to marry you or not, he just lacks the communication to let you know either way. Again if the two of you can't communicate seriously about your future then I don't believe you have a future.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 December 2012):
 Ya know women want equal pay, women want equal treatment.
YOU want to get married. So propose. ASK HIM... take him out to dinner get on one knee in public and say "I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you will you marry me."
If he says anything but YES then you have your answer.
Personally, my feeling is not good for you...
You told him you want to get married
your friends are getting married...
he is stringing you along with "I'm not ready"
Every man that has ever married me knew he wanted to marry me and married me within two years of meeting me. Even when I was 21.
I personally think that if one partner wants to marry and the other does not, either the one that wants to marry has to compromise or the relationship has to end.
...............................
A
female
reader, Trinklett  +, writes (11 December 2012):
 Your guy is unsettled. There's something about you that he hasn't made up he's mind about. You've been dating for 6 years. That's more thanenough period for him to make a decision. You both have good jobs, he saved up enough to buy a house! You're so right; you don't want to be paying rent on a house you may not live in finally. Ask him if marriage is on his mind with you - and give yourself an ultimatum. I don't like giving this kind of man an ultimatum because he'll say you're pressurising him. It could be 3 months, 5 months but not more than that. Tell him you're moving out, not breaking up and be prepared for him to let you go because it may be on his mind already. He maybe waiting for you to get fed up. If he's serious at this point you will know because he'll be forced to take a stand. I know a guy that dated a lady for 7 years when she finally got the courage to leave him, he got married to someone else within 18 months. Not saying he's like that guy but you could be that person that meets someone else. Not easy to leave him I know. You have history together but you have to make decision. I see from your post that you have a feeling he may end up with someone else. Trust me your instincts can't be 100 percent wrong. If you do move out - and please do, don't go to his place frequently, give him space and see if he's ready to make that commitment. If I were you, I'll start trying to get my place back or get somewhere else to stay in the meantime. Don't let him convince you otherwise. Best of luck
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2012): You're worried about why he hasn't proposed and I'm worried about why you're not more worried about the lack of trust between you two. I should preface that I'm not a huge fan of marriage, but I'm especially skeptical when people feel like they have to get married because of peer pressure. This seems to be your situation. To be blunt, I'm not convince you love him...I think you want to get married to feel more stable and secure and you think a ring is going to do that. I can tell you definitively, it won't. And what's worse is I'm not convinced he loves you, his antics about the rent are pretty awful...why do you want to get married to this person again?Instead of hinting, why not just ask him if he wants to get married? You might make an excuse about how it's something a man is supposed to do, but if you can't tell honestly look him in the face and personally tell him you want to spend your life with him, forget marriage, enjoy your boyfriend as he is, and if you're not enjoying him, think about breaking up. From the way it sounds, things couldn't get much worse with him.
...............................
|
