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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: How do you know if you're in the right relationship? Is there really a "right" relationship, or is it all about finding someone who is "mostly" what you want and then working really hard at the relationship to make it last?I'm not trying to change him, and I don't have expectations of that. It's just, I have a hard time trusting him, and have almost since the beginning... I can justify why I feel this way (weird circumstances with his various exes contacting him inappropriately and the way he handles it, him saying negative things about me to his exes and talking about our relationship, and some other things), but I don't -- and didn't -- believe he ever cheated on me. However, he HAS lied to me multiple times over the course of our 8-9 month relationship... possibly more than I know about, but I believe it is partially because I have a hard time trusting him anyway. Whose fault is it really, mine or his? :'(He also has a very negative view of the world (it's unfair, he hates his workplace [which also happens to be mine], people suck, etc.). He treats a lot of situations like he doesn't have control over them, when I know there are things he could do to change them. Feeling out of control is probably why he also has a lot of anger issues. Recently he has even gone so far as to threaten me with violence :(, though he didn't act on it, and I never believed he would. I know that sounds awful, but I never felt that I was in danger -- it was obvious to me that it was an empty threat.And as far as the negativity goes, he has been nothing but fully supportive of ME and positive about any of MY personal goals. On a day-to-day basis, he's extremely sweet to me. He's considerate, compliments me, is a gentleman (automatically pays, open doors -- EVEN car doors, the whole she-bang).I would say our relationship is almost fairytale-like 90% of the time. It feels like a part of me is missing when we're apart. I do love him very much...We just have such a hard time making it work. The other 10% of our relationship is extremely stressful, and has lately resulted in us taking "breaks". We are currently taking a week-long break right now.Often I feel that my trust issue is a major reason the relationship is failing. I just don't know how to fix it. I try to forget things that have happened to hugely exacerbate my distrust, but I can't. And I don't understand why he continues to handle situations the way he does, shirking any responsibility from himself. :( I feel like if I was to break up, that it would be giving up... Are relationships about finding someone you love and making it work? How do you know when to walk away?I don't really know what to do. If anyone could offer any advice or wisdom, I would deeply appreciate it.
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female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (27 August 2013):
 Trust is a fundamental element in any relationship but he has clearly given cause to mistrust him so why are blaming yourself for your "trust" issues.
It is your b/f's role to support you and earn your trust.
Things don't have to be perfect for a relationship to work but both partners have to be happy.
You're not happy. You don't seem to be able to communicate together either.
I think the break your having should be an opportunity to think about what you would like from a relationship and how you would like to be treated. Then compare your answers to your current relationship and then you have a decision to make.
If you decide he's worth your time you have to tell him how his behaviour is making you feel and he must accept that and respect you enough to make a change.
You say you don't know how to fix it. You alone can't fix a thing, it will take you both to repair the problems.
AB x
A
female
reader, Soul Writer  +, writes (20 August 2013):
 I hear your struggles, friend. To answer one of your questions, relationships are what you believe them to be. They are different for everyone and affect them in numerous ways. It is obvious that you are unsure about this relationship since you have been bothered enough to wonder and question it. I cannot tell you what you want...I cannot tell you if he is "the one". It is entirely up to you whether or not you want him to be. Relationships aren't perfect...PEOPLE aren't perfect.About your concern for safety...this is a serious matter. I DO know that you should feel safe with the one you love. If your instincts are telling you another thing...you should really listen to them. Think about what you really want in a lover...and ask yourself if he is the definition of these desires. It is not a sin to move on if a relationship isn't healthy. It sounds like you have a decision to make...think thoroughly and put yourself at the top of the priority list.
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