A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I recently broke my ankle, which required immediate surgery and had to spend a couple of days at my "best friend's" house until my mother got here from out of town to help me out.While I was in the hospital my friend had claimed that she had told my mother she didn't need to come because she was going to take care of me, but my mother insisted.However, once my family got there, it became very clear to me that my friend wanted me out of her house as soon as possible, which was very stressful to me, because I didn't feel I was ready to be moved yet. After pleading for them to give me at least a night's rest and time to recruit some other friends to help me get out of their house and into mine (I wasn't capable of climbing the stairs), they backed off and let me wait until the next morning to make the move.Later on, I came to find out that my friend had been sending emails to people at work alleging that I tried to force her to let me stay in her house, that she had to call my "only other friends" to come get me and a number of other unflattering and completely false statements and also that she was glad that I was "my mother's problem now" and she was trying to "back away from the situation."When I confronted her about this, she of course denied it, but I've seen the original emails and I know she isn't telling me the truth. Since then she's gone on to my parents about how she "thinks the world of me" and she's tried to tell me how she wants to help me and gone on like we're still friends, however she hasn't come to visit me once in the 2 months since the accident and never emails or calls unless I initiate it.She came out here one time to help me with grocery shopping, but the second time I asked her, she said she'd help but never showed up.About a year ago, she had surgery on her knee and I did a lot to help her in the time period, so I'm not sure if she's keeping up a facade of friendship because she feels guilty because I helped her so much or what.Most recently she has moved me from #1 to #12 and then completely out of her top friends on myspace, which I know is a silly measure of friendship, but seems like a kind of petty little message or something...Anyhow, my question is....should I confront her about the e-mails and other issues or just forget about her and move on? I really can't fathom why she has gone from going out of her way to assure me that she cares so much about me, to stabbing me in the back and abandoning me and I don't know if I should give her the chance to explain or just write her off.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice. Those of you who have said to just let the issue drop are probably right. I don't think there is much to salvage in terms of the "friendship" so I guess it's just wanting an explanation and possibly to tell her what a no account, lying hypocritial person she is that motivates me to want to confront her. Ironically, she has always stressed how she doesn't play games and how loyal and upfront she is with her feelings. I guess the saying that if she "has to tell you she's a lady she probably isn't" is true.
As for the being mad that I picked my mom over her, I'm pretty sure that isn't it. Once my mom got down here and assessed the situation, she decided I was probably ok where I was at was going to give them some money to cover expenses and go back home...that's when my friend flipped out and went into overdrive on getting me out of the house. I don't think she ever wanted to "take care of me" I think she just told me that when she figured it was safe, because my mom was already on her way.
Thing is, I didn't want to stay there either, I just wanted to stay until I felt strong enough to get back into my own house. But anyhow, it sucks that you often don't find out that you can't count on the people who you think you can count on until it becomes important, but now I know. Unfortunately she is the only one of my friends/family who lives close by, so I'm kind of stuck here on my own, but I'm considering moving back closer to work and my other close friends, once i've recovered more fully from my surgery.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2008): I think this lady is very controlling. I imagine she wanted to look after you herself. She obviously did not want your mother taking over looking after you and in her mind you did not stick up for her over this preferring your mothers care to hers as she would see it. As soon then as your family turned up this would have put her in a right mood and she would have wanted you out asap. She obviously loves you in 'I want complete control over you' kinda way. She also has the need to look good infront of others even though she knows what she did was wrong, hence the nonsensical e-mails turning the blame onto you and making her look good in the eyes of others . This kind of loving is very damaging. I speak from experience as I was like your friend. My boyfriend became very ill and he went home to be with his mother who could provide 24 hr care whereas in reality I couldn't because I worked. This infuriated me and I caused no end of attention seeking ultimatums. I felt he had chosen someone over me - ridiculous in hindsight but that was the crux of the matter when I was young. If you care for her give her the chance to explain but I doubt you will ever get the real truth as these feelings are very deep in the psyche and she is unlikely to share. In the end my boyfriend cut me off. Many years later I met him in a street in London and we talked and had a drink and he said that in his mind I had behaved very badly and strangely and it was good that he had movd on. Even 10 years on the comments still hurt me - although they were true. Because I understand your best friend, do give her a chance to explain and listen to what she says but treat her reasons cautiously. All the best
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2008): I suggest you forget about the unpleasant experience and about her.
She is not worthy of your friendship; a true friend would not behave like that.
I also suggest you do not waste anytime asking her about the emails etc; as she will just tell you a bunch of lies; you know you cannot believe or trust her;
thus, my advise; move on and let her be!
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (21 June 2008):
I know you want closure but she is very unlikely to sit down and talk rationally about why she has acted this way. It's more likely to cause more trouble and more emails and more mess if you approach her.
I think your best bet is to accept that she has her own reasons and her own problems and just move on.
Perhaps she'll get over her issue and come back and talk to you about it when she is ready in a few months / years down the line. Then again perhaps she won't.
You can't fix every friendship that breaks down. Unfortunately it's not like on TV, where we all go back to normal at the end of the episode. I wish it was.
Good Luck!! xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2008): well i've never been in a situation like this, but what excuse could she possibly have for doing that to you? it all sounds really immature and high school-ish, and i definitely know what that's like considering i just got out of it. i guess if you've been friends for a really long time and you want to keep her friendship then i would ask her what's up, but she doesn't sound like all that great of a friend..
good luck
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A
female
reader, XxAnGelXxx +, writes (21 June 2008):
 I'd say just forget about her, you'd be wasting your time trying to rekindle any kind of friendship, or even bothering trying to find the reason why she's such a back stabber, you really cant call anyone who's acted like that towards you a friend. All the best x
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