A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hey i am a bisexual female who currently has a gf . we have been dating on and off for almost a year now. i have cheated on her twice and i felt terrible about it , fortunately for me she took me back. i vowed to change my ways and i have no intention of cheating on her ever again. the only problem is shes really focused on the sexual side of things which i jsut do not want with her...when i see her i do not lust after her or want to get straight down to it . i miss having sex with men and i really feel as though i should tell her, i have tried to tell her that i sometimes dont want to be intimate with her and she aways akes offence at me saying tht as she thinks it means i dont find her atractive, which i do , i just dont lust after her...she also waxes her lip which makes it terrible to kiss her at times...i am completely lost ..i ahve asked her to cool the physical side, i have tld her i miss heterosexual sex, i have told her that we need to spend time sorting out our relationship in areas other than sexual ways...but she doesnt seem to understand..i am scared that im gonna ebd up cheating on her becasue i am just not getting what i need...i am the first person she has ever been with but i am not sure i have the patience to teach her about how relationshiops work outside the bedroom ...i am not a serial cheat or anything ...i have never cheate don anyone else and i felt terrible afterwards...i never want to go there again ..someone please help me Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2009): Great answer Tara. I agree with everything you have said. This girl is obviously not the person for you. You lay much of the blame for your lack of 'lust' at her door. Truth is when you love and want someone the lust part comes pretty natrually. Leave her alone and let her find someone who does lust after her and makes her feel loved and wanted. Let's hope when you find it, it's two way!
A
female
reader, Tara53  +, writes (4 March 2009):
Hey, I'm gay and will be blunt with you. In my opinion you should just end it already. You said that you feel guilty about cheating on her but dont let that be the only reason why you stay with her, if it is then you will go nowhere with this girl.
Also, you miss male sex, hell I even miss male sex sometimes! I also miss sex with my old gfs but I'm not going back to her for that reason only.
If this is your gfs first relationship then for her it probably seems like she can't live without you and I dont see anything wrong with her strong need for sexual activity, its your lack of interest that makes me curious.
Instead of going into more detail than I'm willing to type I will end with this, you are adding up all the excuses why you should break up with her for a reason. That reason is to justify to yourself for hurting someone even more than you already have while at the same time telling yourself that its not all your fault.
Stop trying to find ways to feel less guilty, be honest with yourself and her. The relationship is not what you want and you are a pretty shitty person for treating her badly. Apologize profusely but move on. She will move on too and find someone right for her, just like you will...as long as you are honest.
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A
female
reader, salvadda  +, writes (4 March 2009):
 I am a bit confused after reading ur letter but I will try to answer u as honestly, without judging you,and with a great deal of respect for the both of you. It is very hard for ppl in ur situtasion. When ppl perfer both sexes there will always be a *tug of war* so to speak, after all we r only human.If it is sex ppl want this makes it easier without commentment. If ppl want commentment in such situtations it is impossible. You did not say if your mate is bisexual or gay. I am to understand by what u wrote she is gay. In the long run it doesn't matter because anyone who is cheated on hurts. This for her may be hard to get over, even tho she excepted u back. She may want u very much sexualy. I believe it is a way of for her to get some kind of reasurance that u still want, care, and love her. You have been very honest with her which says much about you. It is very hard for a gay or straight person to except that their mate would want to be with another sex, if they straight or gay. They might feel as if they r not fulfilling their mate, not pretty/handsome, and so on. Even tho u told her about urself it doesn't mean that when she experiences it or knows that u like to be with men also it will not effect her. If u were both bisexual it would be different and she would have some understanding of the situation, but u can understand how that this is not possible for her to do. I would like to only add without knowing u it is very hard to state facts. I can however without prejugdice give my opinion. Could it be that u might only like the sexual feeling u have with her? Could it be that u not only like the sexual feeling with men but also the emotional feeling that comes along with it? Thus *lust and love* they r what splits the two. There is nothing wrong with u being bisexual. It becomes a prob when ur mate wants u to be monogamist, which is impossible for a bisexual to be. Also u said that u r her first. The old song *the first cut is the deepest* is very true. The first experience can effect ppl the most in their life time, and at times is the hardest to get over. I will say this to u, u have been honest and that did give her some insight on what u r about. I am sure it is very hard on u to choose, but it might come to that with ur mate. Since u told her she knows what to expect and where u r coming from, so it is also a choice she has made. But for someone without experience, u being her first she did not know how it would effect her or how she would act, be affected, and most important of all how to deal with it. If it is upsetting as u say it might down to u choosing. It is time to do some soul searching and be honest with urself of where u want to be in ur life. I don't know if this has helped, but maybe it gave u something to think about....good luck
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A
male
reader, Jager +, writes (4 March 2009):
reading this i feel that there is an obvious need that you dont get from same sex intercourse. If you were to have sex with a male then you would get something very different compaired to having sex with a female. What you may want to consider is if there is a way you can get you sexual needs met without the use of a man. I dont want to have to spell it out t you. Bout if it is just the type of sex then its not really a problem. If its more than the way you have sex an how it feels etc. Then you need to reconsider the relationship because if you cant be confident that you wont need a man then you cant string this girl along its not fair
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