A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I recently broke up with my girlfriend of a year. I caught her in several lies involving an ex boyfriend. She felt the need to hang out with him behind my back and tell me she was going elsewhere. Each time she told me she lied to me because she didn't want to hurt me. I believe I finally caught her with him, but before she would let me in he must have ran out the back door. Obviously we are done, but I still have that feeling that maybe she never did cheat and maybe I overreacted. I'm still in love with her and this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Should I just move on? Should I give her some time to realize what she did wrong and possibly fix things? I don't know if I can trust her again, and that's the biggest problem.
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female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (5 March 2009):
 And I just read the other posters advice and I agree 100%. I was focusing more on why you still want to be with her and how it would go if you tried to make up, but the fact is there, she wants both of you and hasn't decided exactly who she wants to be with yet so she is talking to the both of you at the same time. You are better than that. She shouldn't have to "choose" if she is in love with you. It would be you. This isn't love, she isn't over the ex, move on. You can do better.
A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (5 March 2009):
I am going through a break up right now as well. The one thing we all do when breaking up is we think about the good things about the other person and feel like maybe it is fixable out of fear of being alone again. The trust is gone. I lost trust for my ex after he was talking to his ex on aim behind my back. We tried to make it work and for 3 months I still was not over it and we ended up breaking up a couple days ago. And everyone told me- a relationship is nothing without trust. I didn't listen, but it's true. Sure you can try to fix everything. I did. I looked up relationship books and how to fix a troubled relationship.. etc. But after all this I realized that he must not care too much right? And even if she did not have sex with her ex, she was still seeing him behind your back. Numerous times. And I believe she was lying about it for a reason, you don't lie about something innocent. My ex told me the same thing when he talked to his ex girlfriend online, that it was nothing, yet he wouldn't let me read the conversation... Trust your gut. You can give her another chance but you must both be willing to work really hard on it. Don't let the good times and the happy past affect why you are breaking up now. We tend to forget the bad things and focus on what we love about the person. My advice really is to move on. Once a liar always a liar, and even if she did change, your trust will be broken for an extremely long time. You will question everything she says she is doing. I've been there. It is no way for a relationship to be. If you want to talk you can email me since I am going through something similar. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2009): To be honest i dont know what would have to be done to fix things. I still have very strong feelings for her. She blames me for not trusting her and following my gut instinct of believing they were together. They had a bad breakup about 2 months before we got together. She was always very funny about me using her phone, and the few times i did look, there were messages and calls, ingoing and outgoing from him. The last month or so things really changed, thats when the lying started. The first time she told me they needed to talk because they never really completly got things figured out. I figured ok, no big deal. Then the next week, same day, she told me she was going out with her best friend. A phone call to her 3 hours later proved that she was with him and never with the friend. A week later, she told me the same story again, but a friend of mine had seen her with her ex a few hours before. When i confronted her on it, she made it out to be not such a big deal, they were still friends and she felt the need to hang out with him alone. I told her it made me very unfomfortable, and she agreed not to spend time with him alone. Then this past weekend i had that gut feeling after not speaking to her for the better part of two days, and when i finally got a call, she was acting very secretive. So i followed my gut and while she denies him being there, i know he was. She swears she didnt cheat, but i guess lying is just as bad in my book. I want to fix things, but the next day when we spoke she was with him. At this point i dont know what my best bet is...Any other advice is appreciated.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 March 2009):
 What would she have to change for you to believe her? What would she have to do to 'fix' things? Was she seeing her ex the entire time you were together or was it a new development? And how long were they broken up before you got together with her?
Why did she want to spend time with him? Did you forbid her seeing him, and that's why she went behind your back? Or was she lying because she didn't want you to know at all about him?
I think k_c100 makes a good point that lying to protect you is a sign that she isn't sure about herself. And I really like her advice to you.
I think you are second guessing your decision because you do have feelings for her, but I question what would change if you two got back together? Does she want you back? From what you've written, it doesn't appear that she feels she was in the wrong.
From where I sit, I see two big obstacles to a successful reconciliation. One is her 'realizing out what she did wrong' and fixing those things. The other one, and this is really the biggie, is your lack of trust. That's a difficult thing to repair, and unless you and she are both willing to work on it, there's not much you can do to regain it. Will you be able to forgive her? Even if you think you overreacted, there was SOMETHING about the situation that simply did not sit right with you. So again, what changes would make you feel things were resolved?
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (4 March 2009):
 If there is still an ex involved then there is no way you should be involved, she will only end up hurting you more and lying to you.
I dont think it matters whether or not she cheated with her ex, what matters is that you know she has lied and she is still hanging out with him. This is not a girl that is ready to be in a relationship - while she claims to be lying to "protect you/so she doesnt hurt you", she is acutally just unsure of who she wants to be with so she is having the best of both worlds.
Move on and learn from your mistakes - never get involved with a girl that is still hanging around with her ex! It always ends in tears, even if they claim they are "just friends".
I hope this helps!
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