A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hey im stuck and dont understand guys behaviour. I have previously wrote up if any of you remember that my friend was barely speaking to me, he would never make any effort with me to make converstaion but he was fine with everyone else. It got stupid to the point where he acted differently with me and wouldnt sit with me etc. He had also said to me how much we;re good friends and he cares but then moaned to others and i didnt know where to stand.Anyway i finally had the courage to confront him, problem is and i knew it wouldnt be easy but he hates confrontation. last night i dont know whether he'd been drinking but over text wehn i said something to him about it he brought up something from the past which wasnt true at all, it was just an excuse and an easy way out.he told me earlier he doesnt know why he does it, hes admitted hes in the wrong bur he cant change and said i guess this is where we have to go our seperate ways. I told him i never wanted to end it i just wanna no why im so different and why hes said some of the things he has. he didnt reply so i just said look you made it clear yesterday you just thought fair enough wehn you thought i'd fell out with you. You dont seem to care or anything. And he just text back saying of course i dont want to fall out but what else can we do?I then replied u tell me? your the one with the problem etc and say u want to be friends but then bitch about me and he just hasnt replied.I dont know if he cares or not because we;ve been through alot together and we have abit of a past between us. I dont know if hes just saying he wants to sort it to shut me up or whether he really does. But he doesnt seemed to show he cares or make much effort. I know guys tend to act this way anyway but thats what im asking...is he just being a guy and does care deep down but wont show it, or does he just not give a damn? he clearly wont tell me why hes like how he is with me. what can i do i still have to see him because we have the same friends and i aint letting so many years worth of friendship go without an explaination of why i deserve all this. please help
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (26 September 2010):
Hi there. I partly remember your last question.
Some things in life we just have to accept.
It seems like yes, he likes you as a friend. However, beyond friendship, he doesn't seem ready to move on to something more committed. He probably just doesn't want to say that in so many words, as he knows that it will hurt you.
As you have the same friends, there's not a lot you can do about that. Don't give them up because of all this.
You are currently gridlocked in your thinking. Kind of between a rock and a hard place. You really are locked in.
(1) On the one hand, you are friends (but you would like more than that).
(1-a) Because of this, you are holding some hope that things might change towards a girlfriend/boyfriend type of relationship. This is really what you want from him.
(2) Because you are unsure where you stand, you have thoughts of giving up on him altogether as he is treating you rather off-handedly.
The big picture here unfortunately, is that it's clear you both want different things.
This presents itself as you texting him and asking - "Hey, what's happening?"
And him beating about the bush and not giving you clear answers, which is what you really need.
My guess is, as I was saying earlier (in this answer), he can't bring himself to actually say that he doesn't want commitment yet. Instead he's just being a bit off-hand and saying he can't help it, he's always been this way.
Many men don't want to hurt girls (by saying the truth), so they just do the best they can to avoid the issue, by saying as little as possible and the girls have to guess, and then come to a conclusion of their own.
There's no use in pestering him to give you an answer directly, because all that will happen is, the two of you will just keep on going around and around in circles - getting nowhere. You will keep on getting the same old answer, and so you will then will continue to prod and ask the same question, but in a different way (a bit like being in a legal court room). You are probably already doing this, with no success. Don't pursue it any further. It's probably best to simply make a decision, based on all that's happened so far to date, and go from there.
It really does seem like he doesn't want to get serious with anyone - for quite a while yet.
If he is the same age as you - 18-21 years - as you have said above, well then there's plenty of time for either of you, to start thinking along the lines of marriage, kids, mortgage. There's no hurry. Believe me, all that will happen soon enough.
While you are still young, it's time to just enjoy yourself, have fun and be happy. The same goes for him. A relationship now, could make your lives more complicated.
Don't let the fact you both have the same friends bother you too much. You can see some of those friends at a different time than the public place you all usually hang out at.
Just contact them, say what's going on, and that you feel a bit awkward towards him and can you see them separately - when he's not there. Like going to their places. Making arrangements to go out with them somewhere altogether different from where you usually all hang out together. Go out with them and have a coffee or see a movie.
This is one of the downfalls of always going out in the one group to the same place regularly. Perhaps you were all friends but then you started to like this young man, just a bit more than friends - and it all went from there.
It does change things once this starts to happen. It's a transition that begins. Perhaps it's been a bit one-sided - you wanted to go further, but he is happy to just be friends, like it's always been.
In the end, the decision is really up to you. But in making a choice, you do have to be really honest with yourself.
When only one of you wants a relationship but the other just wants friendship, it's never going to work. Unfortunately, you can't force him to make a commitment with you either. All that will do is, push him away even further, as he won't like being put on the spot. No man likes to be pressured that way. If a relationship is ever going to happen, it has to be a two-way thing. You both need to be on the same page.
No matter how hard you try to get him to say whether he wants a commitment or not, he still will probably keep saying that he can't help it ... etc., like he usually does. Worst case scenario is, if you keep onto him about what's happening, he might get so fed up with you always being "in your face" about it, that he might get frustrated then very angry - then, and only then, he might just blurt it all out. You will then have the truth once and for all. But it won't come out in the way you would have liked to have heard it. This is something to keep in mind. If that did happen, then there's no chance at all you'd ever be boyfriend/girlfriend. Probably not even friends either. Just don't go there.
You need to take a step back from it all to see it clearly.
Hope this helps you. Take care and best wishes.
A
female
reader, Black diamond20  +, writes (26 September 2010):
Dont contact him for three days if he calls then you will know but as of now he has his guard up !:)
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