A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi I'm 14 and have liked a boy now for nearly a year. I feel more for him than I've ever felt for anyone before. He goes to my youth club and I only see him once a week :(the problem is he's 19 although he acts alot younger than he is) and I don't think he's ever been in a serious relationship. Last year he found out I liked him and asked me out, I said yes but dumped him a week later because I got scared as I felt a lot younger then and didn't know him that well. About 3 months ago out of the blue he messaged me saying he still really liked me and he knew it was wrong because of the age gap but he just wanted me to know I told him I liked him a lot too but knew nothing could happen because of the age gap since then things have been awkward and we haven't spoken much but I still like him so much I can't take my eyes off him, I feel like I love him and I catch him staring at me all the time. I have a friend who's very touchy feely and when I sit with my friend I just see the guys face fall, I like him so so much and I can't stop thinking about him. Am I right in thinking nothing can ever happen?? How do I ever get over him because it's been so long and him liking me back makes it so hard please help ? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Nyx  +, writes (18 March 2007):
 Ahhh, my computer cut me off!
So for the growth part, it was supposed to be written like this -
+ growth – As a girl who’s in her very late teens, I can certainly say that what you thought at 14 will be very different (if not completely) in five years. So it is important to be open in communicating with him. Tell him what you feel & need and avoid keeping things bottled up inside. Also keep him updated with your problems and involved in your interests. You’re going to be doing plenty of growing so it would be wise to take him along the ride with you.
(And P.S - 14 is not too young to start a relationship. Many people have started dating when they were 12, but theirs were hardly serious.)
A
female
reader, Nyx +, writes (18 March 2007):
While xlindax has certainly hit the mark especially about being cautious & how it is illegal to have a sexual relationship with him, I disagree with Friend Tom. Firstly, I can say this because I am around your love interest’s age myself. And I know a couple where the girl was 18 and the guy was 15, and their relationship is still standing strong.
Let’s be honest. It’s very unlikely a person would be marrying their highschool or college sweetheart, so rather than hold back, this would actually be a good time to (smartly) experiment with works for you.
Another note that must be mentioned, is most guys in their early twenties aren’t into the serious relationships. The ones I know like to date around – maybe with more than one at the same time, test the waters and there’s nothing wrong with that. But on the other hand, it means that girls who are looking for something serious, should be on the look out.
14 and 19 – you’re right in thinking that there’s a gap there, because it’s most likely that the two individuals will be on different intellectual, spiritual and experience scales. Yet there are those occasional exceptances, because I know a few 14 year olds who are quite beyond their years and would do much better with more mature partners. And their age-gap relationships only worked b/c there was enough respect between the two and similarity in their interests.
But before you come rushing back to him or trying to get him out of your mind for good, consider this (especially b/c he’s much older than you):
+ respect – Does he respect you and your wishes? Will he wait until you are legal in order to pursue anything sexual? (This is the MOST important factor.)
+ interests/goals – Do you have enough interests & goals in common to keep an interesting relationship? Are you both clear on what type of relationship you want to have? For example, a friendship type, passionate/affectionate one, etc. (This is another crucial step to think about for even if you two do respect each other, it could end b/c you don’t have enough in common with him or vice versa.)
+ trust – Do you trust this guy? Can you rely on him? If you don’t trust him, I don’t suggest dating him until you do, b/c like xlindax says, someone his age could EASILY take advantage of a person who’s just beginning their teen years.
+ growth - Being a recent high school graduate, I can guarantee you that what you thought during your freshman year will be
So, it’d be a good idea to do your homework and research this guy throughly before you start anything with him. That way, it’d save plenty of heartache and drama later on. Otherwise, if you decide not to date him, don’t worry, there are plenty of fishes left! Just stay friends with him for now, find another guy (or group of guys) to crush on, get another hobby or into a club, hang out with your friends and try to avoid him as much as you can until you no longer have those strong feelings. Only time will make you forget him. It may be a long process, but it works for many people including myself.
Best Wishes,
Nyx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2007): In total agreement here. Not only are you way too young to be even thinking about a relationship with someone that age, or any age,... honey, he would be a total creep if he persued it. Anyone his age who even thinks about a relationship with a girl your age is sick.. Sorry, hon, but there is no other word. Ask yourself one question: why can't he find a girl his own age? Or, why doesn't he want one? Alright, that is two questions. But you should know what I am saying. You should be enjoying being fourteen and loving it. You will never be there again. Don't be so eager to throw it away. Luvs. Friend Tom
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A
female
reader, xlindax +, writes (17 March 2007):
This is murky ground due to the fact that you are under 16 and it would be illegal for this boy to have a sexual relationship with you. In fact he could get into a lot of trouble if you allowed yourselves to get carried away. There is nothing wrong with being friends with this boy, but I personally think that the age gap means that he could easily influence you into doing things that you may not really want to be doing. Laws are there for a reason and for your safety, they are not just there to stop people from having fun. When i was your age my parents were too involved in their work to really care about what i was doing. I thought that i was streetwise and knew how to handle situations. I remember freqenting nightclubs, lying about my age and drinking and at the time it seemed like great fun. One night i lied to a lad that i was 17 when i was actually 15 and allowed myself to be taken into a toilet cubicle where i was kissing this lad and he was trying to take things further, i felt very frightened as it was at that point that i realised that i wished i hadn't gone in there. Luckily a doorman saw us and forced us out so i managed to get away. i didn't loose my virginity till i was 17. I think that you should think carefully about this age gap and how boys of this age will most probably be wanting to have a sexual relationship which you are probably not ready for just yet.
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