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female
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anonymous
writes: i'm 15yrs old and my boyfriend is 23 he's already got a daughter, and i've been pregnant before but miscarried. when we have sex he doesn't use condoms and i don't want to get pregnant again, he says he wants me to have his kids but only when i'm old enough but i don't know how to explain to him about how scared i am. we've been together for a year what should i do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2007): It is always hard to talk about these things. Practice helps. And you can always ask his opinion about men taking birth control pills or keeping a morning after pill handy. If you ask for his opinion or his help, he may answer you and feel like a hero doing it. Someone who loves you does not trap you or make you feel bad about such questions. So if over time he refuses to talk with you- leave him.
A
male
reader, David Lewis  +, writes (9 June 2006):
 If this guy really loves you, he would not have sex with you anyway, at least not until you are old enough.
Sure, he loves you but it does not seem like there is any respect here.
if you must have sex, then use protection.
If he genuinely loves you, he will be happy to wait.
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A
female
reader, sibaan +, writes (9 June 2006):
 firstly this relationship of yours is not even legal, you are far too yopung to be having sex never mind sex withjout protection!! if you sit your boyfriend down and tell him how you feel he should understand. why dont you just go on the pill??
think about this carefully, you are playing with your life.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (5 June 2006):
 I agree with the others with regards to getting some birth control sorted out. However, it is interesting to read your comment "...he says he wants me to have his kids but only when i'm old enough" (how kind of him - very generous to give his permission and all). In normal adult relationships it should read 'we decided that we want kids together but only when I am old enough'. Because you are 15 and he is 23 there is something of a power difference between partners here. He is still treating you like a child - deciding when you can have 'his' children etc. You go on to say that you are unable to communicate how 'scared' you are about pregnancy. Happy adult relationships are founded on good communication and you should be able to talk to your man about everything and anything. You don't know this yet as you are young, inexperienced of serious relationships and none the wiser. This man likes you, at 15, because you make him feel like a 'man' as you look up to him and do as he says - an older, secure woman would have told him to tie his bits in a knot if he wanted condom-free sex, if he dictated when to have children etc etc. You have to ask yourself what a 23 year old man is doing interested in a girl of your age - you were 14 when you first got together. He likes you as you are an innocent and he can impress you in ways he couldn't possibly do with an older woman. He already has a child from a broken relationship at the tender age of 23...it is not a great track record.
I suspect that you cannot have very good parent role-models in your family for all this to have been happening, but I think you should seek out someone to give advice and support like a school or community counsellor or youth worker.
Ultimately you are in charge of your body and not him. You have already had a miscarriage and you need to learn from that and take contraception with, or without, his knowledge.
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A
female
reader, Smiler +, writes (5 June 2006):
 Hey there
Well sweetie, lets be sensible here huh... you seem very mature for such a tender age, you are obviously not stupid are you.. but you do have a duty to yourself her honey forget about what your partner wants at the moment we will go back to that but i'm concerned about you, firstly go to your local family planning clinic either go onto the birth control pill or get the coil fitted or have the contraceptive injection or use condoms those are the options you must take one of them sweetie or trust me you will get caught become pregnant and you are much to young for that. As for being scared to tell your partner about this if you love him and he loves you he should support you fully and back you up 100% otherwise what kinda guy is he? does he care about your feelings and emotions at all? these are questions only you know the answers to sweetie but don't be bullied into unprotected sex out of fear thats not right ok. if you are truely scared of talking to him, my question to you is why are you having sex with him and unprotected sex at that? sweetie you need to sit down and do some soul searching here and what i mean about that is ask yourself some of the questions like are you and him ment to be? is your relationship strong enough to with stand having children cause you go on unprotected and you will end up pregnant and i suspect he will leave you to it then..... not wannna know and thats the last thing you want.
As for your partner where to start what he is doing to you is against the law having sex with an underage person could get him sent to prison. which makes me wonder if he has any sense at all... he claims to love you yet is willing to leave you open to an unwanted pregnancy that you are not emotionally ready to deal with? what kind of love is that? do your soul searching sweetie and please get some form of protection before you have sex with him again.
I hope my advise helped you ut a little sweetie Good luck, if you ever need a mate to talk to or just some more advise don't hesitate to email me i'm alwas here for you ok... would like to hear from you again let me know how you get on ok..
You Take Care Sweetie X
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2006): go to a clinic and get on some birthcontrol. if he has a problem with you being on it, dont tell him. dont let him know that you are getting on birthcontrol or that your taking it. he is clearly irresponsible. i think you could do better than that. you should consider dating guys your age. you already had a miscarriage. im not going to tell you to stop having sex because thats just something i know that girls your age do even when us adults try so hard to get you to understand that thats not good for you at this age you could get pregnant or an std, blah,blah and so on, but you do need to be careful with that and get on some birth control and protect your self from std's as well. dont make a mistake, you'll ruin your teens years if you dont take of yourself. trust me i know.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2006): Using a condom is as much your responsibility as his. You are only a child, and clearly not very mature as you are not even comfortable enough to ask him to use protection. He is also a peadophile, AND raping a minor. This is all very disgusting. As lostandalone said, you must be insane.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (5 June 2006):
 All babies deserved to be planned for and purposely conceived. Get on the pill, the patch, whatever works for you but you obviously need to be the person responsible for the birth control. By the way this guy sounds like a fiirst class loser so dumping him might be the best birth control yet.
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A
female
reader, SarahG1 +, writes (5 June 2006):
I know what being in a relationship can be like when you are 15 i'm sure you care about him greatly. You have to look at the facts and ask yourself a few questions. If he already has a daughter (aged just 23) why is he not dedicated to the mother? does this not seem to emply that he isnt mature mentally enough look after you and your future child? Do you think you will ever want to have children with him? You must have had a very difficult time going through your miscarriage. Yet he doesn't care enough to use condoms. In my eyes this shows he doesn't care about you, your feelings or your needs. You should get yourself checked for sexually transmitted infections and insist he uses condoms. If he says no I think you should end this relationship. You could do a lot better.
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A
female
reader, Aunt Audrey +, writes (5 June 2006):
 Whatever my personal thoughts on a young girl getting involved with someone who is so obviously totally irresponcible, you main priority here is to get yoursef to a family planning clinic or your doctor and get some form of reliable contraception that will stop you from getting pregnant. There are many forms and i'm sure you will be able to decide with the right guidance which one is right for you.
Don't put this off, being scared you will get pregnant is obviously not enough to stop you having sex so do something to protect yourself NOW before it's too late.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Lostandalone +, writes (5 June 2006):
 I apologize for my first response but not only tell him you're not ready tell him you are too young for this type of relationship and pressure. If you keep having sex with him then for the love of GOD use condoms and get on birth control. I really hope this thing works out for you. Good Luck.
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A
male
reader, Lostandalone +, writes (5 June 2006):
Call the police. I'm sorry that was my first reaction. First of all you are to young to be having sex, secondly why are you dating a man who is 23 with a child. I know you like him and all but thats just not right. Thats statutory rape. What does he mean he wants to have a baby when your old enough? When you started having sex you became old enough. And you said that he doesn't use Condoms. ARE BOTH OF YOU INSANE???
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