A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I came from quite a difficult family situation. My parents had an awful marriage, from the time I was born my dad was always constantly cheating on my mom and yet my mom stayed with him and had another child with him (my younger sister). My dad was never at home when I was growing up. If he wasn't at work he would be out with his girlfriends and would get home long after we had gone to bed. He took no interest in our lives except to make sure we went to school and had a good education. As long as we weren't failing at school or causing trouble he would never engage with us. My mom stayed with my dad for 18 years despite threats to leave him which never materialised. As an adult I still struggle with my family relationship. I never had anyone to talk to growing up about my family life. Everyone I knew came from really good families and was always embarrassed about how messed up my family is and as an adult I still feel this way. Over the years my dad has had several other children with other women who we know of but have never met. I don't even know exactly how many other half siblings I have out there.I feel that people would judge me if they knew exactly how messed up my family situation is and so I don't talk about it. I'm also however left stuck in a situation where I don't know how to have a relationship with my parents as an adult. On the one hand they did take care of me and provide for me (financially) and I should at least be grateful for that but in every other respects they were neglectful parents and I don't really have much love towards them. I feel like I am somehow a bad person because I don't appreciate my parents because the truth is I don't and I find that difficult to articulate that to other people around me when I'm surrounded by people who come from good families. I just don't quite know how to move forward without having this constantly hanging over me
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2014): I think you should get counselling, and maybe Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. Counselling means there will be someone there to listen to you for a few hours over a few weeks - that should help you because you can get it all out when you've felt like you couldn't over the years. If that doesn't work, you can join a support group or ask your GP for CBT which teaches you ways to deal with the facts and move forward emotionally. I know I'm going to need it because your description about your relationship with your father sounds exactly like mine, but I'm quite a few years younger than you, so it's still very current for me and the counselling didn't help me because I've talked over it for years and nothing has changed, but if you have felt unable to talk to anyone about your situation, a counsellor would be a good place to start :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2014): My father was at home and we children feared walking through the door every day because of the alcoholism. The Domestic violence,screaming shouting. To feel genuine fear as a child in your own home is something else. To feel embarrassed as neighbours often had to get involved phoning police to save our mother. A father who actually never spoke to us while in the house ignored us on christmas days to drink,sitting in the dark like prisoners while he slept and sobered up, mother in tears, this was not once in a while this was every other day for many years. I don't even feel anger or hurt as I relive the memories writing this as far as I am concerned past is past, end of it's only today and tommorrow that counts. You see I can not change the past but i can change today and tommorrow and so can you.Many, many, people grow up in dysfunctional families,lots of different pains with very bad memories and a sad wasted childhood. The past is what it is, PAST! it holds no place in your life if you wish to have a full and happy sane one. Holding painful memories is keeping you prisoner, it is not healthy to do although understandable. let go and move on in life without screwing yourself over and over BECAUSE of your childhood.I don't really tell anyone about my childhood and why should I, nobody can alter my past, to me, the past has gone. I know if had dwelled on the dark unhappy childhood I had, my life would be very different. The only time i really bring it up is such as now because it is relevant in this post. I hold no hate towards my Father and we all have a good relationship as adults with him no hidden resentments,no pain,no regrets,life dishes out what it does and how we REACT is the deciding factor. You are now an adult with your own mind and choices,you could choose to suffer and live in your past or break free and move into your life making new memories.It really really does not matter what any one thinks about your chidhood good or bad and you need to stop comparing childhoods,bad can often be hidden by good. You are not alone so start living and be happy.
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female
reader, Staceily  +, writes (3 August 2014):
 I come from a terrible family and rough, abusive childhood as well. The only people who know this are people very, very close to me who I know I can trust and won't judge me. Acquaintances, coworkers, people like that, I do not share my history. It is frankly not their business. If other people are discussing their own childhoods or how great their parents are I just nod and agree or what have you. If they were to ask about my parents currently I would say I don't see them too much but they are doing fine, and that's it.
I understand how you don't feel much love towards them. I don't love my father in any way at all. My mother I try to forgive but I certainly don't feel close, and can't really say I love her either. It is sad of course, everyone wants to have great parents you feel you can count on. But you end up depending on yourself and finding other people you can count on, good friends and your significant other for example. It doesn't have to be miserable. You just accept the cards that were dealt. Your childhood may have been terrible but it has shaped who you are as a person today. You are likely wise beyond your years and far more aware of life than someone who essentially lived in a happy bubble as a child. You have lived through the rough stuff and know what to avoid when making relationship choices, you can do the opposite of your parents and be perfectly fine.
So don't feel any guilt if you don't feel love towards them. You can't force yourself to feel things you don't. You appreciate what they have done for you and that's great. As for seeing them, you can as often or as rarely as you want to. I see my dad maybe once a year for Christmas. My mom I will visit at work from time to time. Make sure that regardless of your feelings towards your parents you forgive them for yourself. Harboring anger or resentment only hurts you. If you don't know how you can look it up online, there are sites that help you to understand forgiveness, what it does to you, and exercises to help you let go. Or you can go to therapy of course. Your childhood doesn't have to ruin your adult life, rather than be a hindrance it can make you stronger.
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reader, mystiquek +, writes (3 August 2014):
 Jannipeg gave you very good advice. I am in my early 50's and there are times when I think back on my childhood and it still troubles me. My parents fought constantly while my sister and I were growing up. The love between them just died, I guess. They never got divorced but it would have been so much better for everyone if they had. My mother was (and is) very dominating and very controlling. My father didn't like conflicts so he got to the point where he wouldn't even try to speak up and defend himself or his children. My parents were good to us in the fact that they looked out for us, we were middle class and had all the things that we needed. What we didn't have though was love and support. I knew from a very young age that my parents (especially my mother) were different. My very close friends seen it and felt sorry for me. My parents weren't bad or evil but I think they were just so messed up from their marriage that they didn't know how to make things right for my sister and I. There wasn't any cheating that I was ever aware of..but there was constant fighting and threats to leave, threats to divorce.
I learned early that I had to be a strong person. I couldn't let my childhood rule my life. Not everyone has good role models. You can either let it defeat you or you can fight back and become a strong independent person. Its all up to you. If you can't do it alone, seek out counselling, read some psychology books.
I love my parents I know they tried hard to give me a good life and I respect them for that. I lost my father last year and I still miss him terribly. He was a very good man he just didn't know how to or didn't want to stand up to my mother so he stopped trying. I do understand that but always found it very sad. My mom is a good person too but always wants to be in control and I haven't allowed her to control me since I was a teenager. We have a strained relationship but I do love her.
As for what you tell people about your family..well..thats up to you. Why do you need to get into your family history?? You don't. Its no one's business. Tell people what you want them to know..nothing else. Make yourself into who you want to be.
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reader, janniepeg  +, writes (3 August 2014):
 You don't have to tell people what's going on in your family. It's really none of their business. They might be nosy and want to know but you are under no obligation to report what your family do. Keeping a silence does not mean you are complacent towards the whole thing and think it's okay what your dad had been doing. It just means you keep a good composure and not let it affect your self esteem. What you need maybe a reassurance that you will be okay, if you constantly tell yourself that you are not your mom and won't stay in a bad relationship for too long. You are a just little more than a biological product of your mom and dad. You have a choice to believe that you are messed up as a result of growing up with them, or you can believe that you have nothing to do with that family dynamic and blaze your own trail. I am kind of estranged from my parents but we meet at least once a year. There is a cloud hanging over me, but it gets better over the years. If you feel for certain that people are indeed judging you, then stop hanging with them. You need to be with people who make you feel good about yourself.
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