A
male
age
41-50,
*ike77
writes:11 years ago I went out with a girl, this lasted for 3 years then we broke up. We broke up because we were too young and argued over petty things. Since then I have married ( 3 years ago )and had a young child who is now 7 months. 14 months ago my former girlfriend re entered my life and we have been having an affair ever since. For the last year or so my home life has been okay except there isn't any love there from me. Things have become very stale. When my wife says she loves me I just respond with me too. I love my ex girlfriend so much and want to be with her however I'm not sure how to end things with my wife, i.e the her the house the child etc. I know it's selfish but the heart wants what the heart wants. I have been having sleepless nights worrying about all this and I don't know what to do.
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female
reader, Carrot2000  +, writes (4 January 2010):
 "For the last year or so my home life has been okay except there isn't any love there from me. Things have become very stale."
Could it have become stale because you are having an affair and not putting effort into your own marriage? From your update, it sounds as though you were never really vested in your marriage in the first place, which is unfortunate for your wife and your baby. I suggest you stop seeing your ex until you make a proper effort to get out of your marriage. Don't tell your wife you are leaving her for another woman, especially so soon after giving birth to your child, as it will absolutely devastate her. She does not deserve to lose her husband and her sense of self-worth, nor does not she deserve to spend another minute with a man who cannot fully commit to her.
I hope for the sake of all involved that what you feel for your ex is love and not the thrill and excitement of an affair. The two of you have no doubt grown and changed over the past 11 years, so make sure you're in love with the person she is now, not the person she was 11 years ago.
A
male
reader, Mike77 +, writes (3 January 2010):
Mike77 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for ur comments guys. My wife was pregnant approx 2 months before the ex entered back in my life. It's tough, over the 9.5 years my wife and I have been together I have always wondered about my ex, I have even kept quite a few things she gave me and likewise she has done the same. I know she feels the same way as I do but the only difference is she has said she could never live with herself if I leave my wife and child. I lost my ex the first time round and I don't want to make the same mistake again. Now knowing she's out there I don't want to throw away another chance with her. I know I'll be upsetting both familys all for my happiness so is it worth keeping mum on everything and hope that things work out or do I break silence and come clean with everything ?
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A
female
reader, Dr Bex  +, writes (3 January 2010):
Im sorry to hear you're going through a troubled time. Sounds like an awful situation to be in especially this time of year. I'm not here to preach and tell you that you are wrong for doing what you're doing. I genuinely believe that you are a kind person and you're just not wanting to break your wife's heart. However what you have to do is be honest with your wife and with yourself. You can't keep living a double life because all you are doing is hurting people. I understand why you tell your wife you love her back but you need to stop being a coward and face up to the truth. You need to sit down and tell her that you don't think things are working and you want to seperate. If she asks if you are having an affair you need to be honest with her but first you need to let her know that you don't want to be with her. There are ways of telling people and Im sure she isn't stupid and is realising that there is something wrong. You're being more cruel being with her and having the affair. Tell her as soon as you get a chance. You need to prepare yourself for this though. It will be very emotional. Honesty is always the best policy and I know once you've told her thr truth things will get better. A broken heart will always mend in time. Good luck to you.
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A
male
reader, Honest Answer +, writes (3 January 2010):
 Mike,
I got it. This is what you need to do. You need to be honest with her and let her know that you are no longer in love with her. Whatever you do, don't mention the other woman. She probably already knows, but there is no sense in throwing salt in the wound.
This advice is more directed to your wife. She needs to be free of you so that she can reclaim her life.
The part I can't understand is why get her pregnant and then a few months later run off with another woman? Ths had to be a planned pregnancy. You were married for atleast 2 years without concieving.
Anyways, don't delay your decision. I don't reccoment counseling or trying to works things out for the sake of a child. This marriage is beyond that.
Be easy on her. And no salt in the wounds. You two are going to be connected for atleast 17 more years. And when you do divorce, wait a few years before you get remarried. No sense in having your kid hate you too.
Good Luck!
Jeff
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