A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupid, in these last few months iv watched my work friend/collegue slowly turn into an absolute cow. She started off by admitting she didn't like certain members of our work team which surprised me and it was just a downward spiral from there on. The way she talks about others is now down right disrespectful and there really is no need for it as the things she is talking about are petty And/or personal. I have very plainly told her that I am not interested in hearing nasty things about others and have since discovered that she also talks about me. I used to like her alot and stuck up for her alot too until she started being so horrible. My other work colleagues have said she was always like it and I feel deceived and disappointed because until recently I considered her a friend. I know this sort of behaviour needs to be dealt with by management in the end but I just don't understand why she would go from person to person talking about each one to the other. She was liked and popular, now she's slowly becoming enemy #1. I feel like I should tell her that her behaviour is causing difficulties or ask her if there is a reason for it but it will probably cause alot of problems or an argument which would be highly inappropriate.some sound grown up advice would be welcome. I'm half the age of all my work colleagues and niaevely though that people left these silly games in the play ground
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female
reader, Abella  +, writes (22 June 2014):
 She sounds like a seriously unhappy miserable woman. She's unhappy so she wants everyone else to suffer her pain.
I imagine she casts a dark shadow and contributes to horrible morale.
Sadly she is doing everything wrong to make things even worse for herself.
If she keeps up this nastiness then I would not be surprised to find that eventually others will find excuses to not
talk to her, unless they really have to talk to her for work reasons.
Sadly that will isolate her even more, making her feel even more worked up.
She is being horrible.
She is being disrespectful.
She is stirring up trouble.
She is not being a good team member.
And she is doing nothing to demonstrate that she has much in the way of emotional intelligence.
All the above is her problem. She has to recognize the truth herself.
That she has to work on solving the problem is obvious.
If she makes no effort to solve the problem then eventually management will take action.
Don't make her your problem.
Remain pleasant to her.
Tell her nothing private that she could use for gossip.
Speak respectfully to her about all work issues.
Ensure that your communications and your actions are above reproach.
She has betrayed your trust and said things, behind your back.
You still have to work with her.
Never be drawn into trying to ''fix'' the problems. She is just as likely to turn it back on you, and then try to paint you as the problem.
Also do not gossip about her to others. She could just as easily try to make things tough for those who gossip about her. Gossip and lots of whispered secrets at work are poisonous.
Gossip develops a toxic workplace to higher levels of nastiness..
Toxic workplaces often incubate over several years. Mean horrible people stay, and rule the roost. Long term staff in a toxic workplaces often are completely protected and ''safe,''no matter how mean they become to others.
Newer staff often suffer a horrible time. They either leave asap (smart move).
Or they stay.
If they see nothing wrong with the toxic actions of others they are eventually are accepted by the toxic staff and are accepted by them and slowly they too choose to emulate the toxic behaviour..
But if newer staff become distressed by the nasty behaviour, and also choose to stay, then the newer staff often try harder to work really well and they hope that this will make them safe from mean behaviour.
It is not make their position safer.
No matter how hard they try to work harder and smarter, the toxic behaviour will continue.
Toxic work places are horrible.
If more people resigned asap from a toxic workplace then maybe management would wake up to the fact that the workplace cannot keep staff and recognise the problem. Fast turnover of staff is usually the clue that there are problems to be fixed.
Sometimes management too are part of the problem.
I know that jobs are hard to find.
Keep your head down, work hard.
Keep away from any nasty behaviour.
Remain pleasant and positive to others at work. Do your work to the best of your ability.
And start building some networks external to your workplace that could increase your chances of finding work in a nicer workplace.
Say nothing negative internally nor externally about the place where you work now - any such negative remark will get back to your current workplace.
I have worked in a toxic work place and I have worked in productive fair and completely respectful lovely workplaces.
My advice is to not stay too long in a toxic workplace as it will hurt your career if you stay too long in such a place.
And never warn your work colleagues that you intend to leave, nor about any external jobs you apply for.
Building rapport with external networks is good.
Joing a group volunteering in the community in some way at weekends is a good move as it also builds networks and helps you to find out about positive work places that are better than your current situation.
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (22 June 2014):
 Management has a business to run. They don't need to become involved in this sort of thing.
You can't stop the woman so I suggest you distance yourself from her. Be business like with her and limit your time together to that which is absolutely necessary.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (22 June 2014):
 Hello,
In any workplace, or at least most of them, there are people like the "friend" you have described. Work can be more bitchy than a playground at times and, at the risk of sounding sexist, its usually women that do this. One of the skills we all need to learn at work is dealing with it, as is learning to read when an individual may become problematic before it escalates.
On a personal note, I know exactly how you feel. Im 36 now and been at work since 17. I started work as a young lad thinking if I kept my nose clean, worked hard and didn't open my mouth what could go wrong? Then a week into my job I almost got sacked because of someone I thought was a friend tricking me into half agreeing with a nasty comment she made and told that persons it was my comment. Bitch. My overriding feeling was of being duped. Of being niave enough to fall for it. I felt I had been led and it hurt a lot. But it allowed me, at a young age, to learn to deal with it.
I would avoid any discussions not involving work. I wouldn't tell her how you feel or accuse/ask why she has a problem. She is doing this either for attention, as she feels inferior to, or threatened by, others, or because she gets some kind of kick out of it. As you are a lot younger than the other staff, you need to avoid becoming a target. The older, more experienced staff have the authority and experience to deal with it, you, with the greatest of respect, do not. Stay well away form her, do not consider her a friend and let management sort her out. Challenging her wont change her ways, it will most likely make her target you.
Mark
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