A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I thought I'd like to update you on my husband and dad situation:(original situation - http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-husband-spends-far-too-much-time-with.html)I don't believe they went for 6 weeks, as I know that what people say and what people do are two different things.Christmas was good - although (obviously) my husband was absent, we had a great Christmas Day with my sister and my mum, and my two kids, 7 and 8 years old.I tried leaving messages on their mobiles, but got no response. In the end, I contacted police, who got back to me within 48 hours and said they were in Coventry, West Midlands.Apparently they didn't want to be contacted.I feel disgusted - and the effects of this have started to affect my kids. My 7-year-old son has started to become more verbally aggressive and began throwing temper tantrums.My mum's started over-eating and crying all the time, saying it feels like something odd's going on.How will I cope with this? I wish I could tell my husband about the upset and pain it's caused our kids.thanks, Laurenfrom Didsbury, Greater Manchester, United Kingdom
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (5 January 2009):
 Sorry to be so American about this, but the first stop for me would be the attorney. I would find out what steps I needed to take to protect myself and my children in the event that this is a permanent separation.
Then I would speak with the school or the GP to find a family counselor that has experience working with children who are going through parental divorce or separation situations. The children need to be told in a way that won't make them think they are responsible for this, and only enough to help them get on with things without anxiety or trauma.
Then I would ask my GP for a counselor if I thought I was having trouble coping.
I think the thing that would help me cope is to stop REACTING to the situation and start ACTING. Find out your legal position; make sure that the financial situation for you does not suffer as a result of this. I'd probably change the locks on the doors, so that he couldn't get in without my knowledge. (You could always say that you'd lost your keys if he does question this.)
I know how frustrating it must be not to know what is going on or to get across to him how hurtful his behavior is, but try not to let that freeze you up. Work WITH the anger (after you recognize that's what you're feeling) and use it, channel it into positive action for you and your children.
Take care of yourself, eat right, exercise, do all the things your doctor tells you to do to stay healthy. The healthy body/healthy mind thing isn't a myth, you know. Make yourself your project, and put the needs of your children and yourself first.
Then when and if this errant husband and father return, you are working from a position of strength, and not confusion or hurt. You'll know your rights, you'll have an idea of what you want and hopefully you'll be able to communicate this to him.
What an awful situation to be in, I am sorry. Now get out there and work with what you have, use those resources, get all your ducks in a row. And do tell a close friend for support, if you can at all. Keeping something like this secret is a burden in and of itself.
Good luck.
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