A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm struggling with my masculinity. I don't feel like I will ever be a "real man". First of I'm short(5'3"/163cm). I've gotten over being unattractive due to my height but I'm struggling with not being considered a man. I don't have an aggressive personality and I'm not interested in getting buff but I still want to have presence. My physique and demeanor aren't "alpha" and I feel that I cannot compete with tall and taller guys in life. I don't feel like I have the same potential or capabilities. I don't know how to appreciate myself and to build up my self esteem. I would like to become more confident and more of a man but I don't know how. Please help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2013): You have little choice but to accept who you are and how genetics designed you. You can take my previous suggestions and work on your appearance, as far as it is physically possible. If your culture ostracizes you for who you are, there is little advice we can offer.
You have to live within the body you were born. You have to be the person within the limits set by your personality and abilities. You can't go through life feeling inferior to others; because you are different from the average, or you envy those opposite of yourself. You change whatever you can that doesn't suit you about your body type. That's easy, because all that takes is exercise and working out.
Education will give you a sharp mind, enlightenment, and a better perspective on reality. You are, who you are. Take it or leave it.
When you can't change how you look, you improve who you are by improving your character. You gain respect by your deeds, and personal attributes that make you a "better" man.
You want to be magically transformed into what you "perceive" better than who you are. That's not possible.
Appreciate that you have life, intelligence, health, and a good spirit. Improve what you already have. People will appreciate you for being a "good" man.
Get an education, save your money, and find yourself a place you can feel free to be you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm from Kanye,Botswana
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat  +, writes (6 September 2013):
 Since you didn't put your country in your identity history, I have no way of knowing if you're Western or not, but I'm going to assume you are.In today's western world, the ultra-masculine "bro" culture that is enforced on men is absolutely disgusting and harmful. Men like yourself that do not fit within it's narrow, one-dimensional confines are reviled as "not real men" and unfit to perform the "traditionally masculine" gender roles in our society.This is why I call myself a rabid Feminist, because Feminism seeks to completely crush Patriarchy and it's strict, arbitrary gender roles and allow people of all genders to express their own personalities and gender expressions as they see fit, without being punished or looked down on for it. It's your right as a human being to express your gender identity YOUR way, not the way a hateful and bigoted society forces you to."Real" men are the people who identify themselves as men. Regardless of whether they fit the narrow traditional gender role that Patriarchy sets down for us or not, ALL MEN ARE REAL MEN. You do not have to have muscles or a tall frame or an aggressive, dominant personality to be a "real man". You are a real man because you are a worthy human being that deserves to be respected and valued -because- you are a person. In short, fuck gender roles and fuck the Patriarchy. Express your gender the way you want to and tell anyone who looks down on you to shove it. You own your life, and no one else can tell you how to live it.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (6 September 2013):
 Yeah, why didn't you put in your country?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2013): I don't know what country you're from, or to what culture you belong.
Most guys work at creating their presence and develop their manhood by first discovering their potential, and who they are.
Don't say what you aren't interested in doing, then in the same paragraph say you don't know how. Self-defeat is your problem. There is no way to compete with guys who are taller, unless you can grow taller. Manhood isn't just measured by machismo; because gay men are just as macho as any other man.
First; you accept what nature has dealt you, as far as genetics. Stop comparing yourself to extremes. If you're
5'3" and swaggering around like John Wayne, you look foolish; and you'd be obviously over-compensating.
You have to behave in the way that comes naturally. Most guys compete in sports and workout to be competitive, and build self-confidence. They stand up for themselves; even if they think they might still get their asses kicked.
You're not willing to get buff? Well, sculpting the body builds presence and confidence. If you're lazy, don't shave, drink a lot of beer, and get a beer-gut. Act obnoxious, talk loud, belch, scratch your nuts in public, and call it a day.
If you're not tough, so what? If you feel intimidated by other males due to your size and stature; take up martial arts, so you won't feel helpless or bullied. Women can be aggressive in personality, it doesn't make them more masculine. It just makes them aggressive.
If you just don't feel macho enough, then fake it. Most of the way men move and act is learned. Then there are physical attributes, environmental factors, and the rest is just fake. You can always speak in a deeper voice.
Don't cross your legs at the knees, stand up when you pee, and don't swish with you walk. Don't extend your pinky, use the word "fabulous" or wear orange colored pants. You'll stay within masculine guidelines.
Most of us follow our male role-models growing up. Our dads, older brothers, coaches, sports heroes, and male celebrity icons known for machismo. I guess it comes down to just doing what comes natural for most.
Some guys are just tougher than others. Anything you'd do other than being yourself, would probably look fake and contrived.People will see through it.
They would probably make more fun of you for acting out of true character; then being who you really are. Most of your problem is in your head. Wanting to be who you're not, in order to be accepted. Fighting your true nature is fighting a losing battle, and ends in frustration.
How many people sit in front of the mirror wishing they were someone they're not. Hating themselves and scorning nature for not making them more handsome or beautiful.
You're unattractive because you've decided you are, buddy. That was conscious resignation. You don't plan to do any work, so you think someone's going to waive a magic wand or prescribe a pill, and presto change-o...you're six feet tall and super butch macho!!!
Go to the gym. Take up a sport. Build up your body-strength and make your body shape like something other than an onion. Hold your head up, walk with a natural swagger, and confidence. Just try being yourself; no matter what anybody thinks. It might make life easier.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (6 September 2013):
You may not be interested in getting buff, but you could probably benefit from lifting weights. Aside from being good for you its good for your confidence.
Maybe you should try some fighting classes, such as karate, kung fu, muy Thai, or ju jitsu. Part of what's making you feel like less of a man is probably intimidation. If you think that you are tougher it will help your attitude.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2013): My advice to you would be to focus not on what you perceieve as being a "real man" and try to come around to the idea that being a "real man" has nothing to do with your height or physique. In my opinion, being a real man is more how you interact with people and treat people in life, but that is just my opinion.My partner is not tall, he's not as tall as most other men, he is shorter than average, but I really consider him a real man because he cares for me as a real man should. In my opinion, real men treat their partners well, they're mature, they're curteous towards others, they're good fathers to their children, they're just men who are mature and give the very best of their love, care and sweetness, a man who would do anything for his family, is a real man to me, no matter how tall, short, thin, overweight etc. etc., it really doesn't matter if they're a good, decent person and can allow that to shine through.Please don't assume that you're unattractive just because you're not as tall as other guys. People are attractive for many, many different reasons, and if someone is special enough and you like one another, you will make something work for you.Perhaps you could consider some CBT to help you to shake these negative thoughts that are holding you back, I think you could probably do with some guidance on how to improve your self-esteem and also to help you focus on the positives in your life and your personality.The "alpha" male certainly and most definitely is not always (hardly ever in my case)the best choice of partner, I know this from experience. I went out with a guy who was considered to be an "alpha" male, but I found him to be brain-dead, inconsiderate, not interested in me etc. and that relationship didn't last. My current partner, with whom I have been with for a number of years is totally the opposite of an "alpha" male, but he has been the best thing in my life for years. He's not socially driven, he's incredibly intelligent (quite a nerd), treats me like a princess, gets me, is into the same things as me, I can actually have intelligent conversations with him and it is such a fulfilling relationship. The bottom line is: the fact that he is not a typical "alpha" male, is just amazing, so my point is, is that you don't need to be the alpha male in life to be happy, but you need to believe that, make yourself believe that.Being a man, obviously to a man does involve how you feel about your physique, which is totally natural to feel that way, as we are, at the end of the day, still fairly physique orientated, but my point is that, being a man, should be more about your attitude and behaviour in life, how you treat people etc. My dad is a real man to me and he happens to be tall, but even if he was a foot shorter he'd still be my dad and I'd love him all the same, the same goes for my boyfriend, if he was taller, but you know what? it's actually easier to kiss a guy who isn't too tall! I hope you can move past these feelings of inadequacy. Also you should distance yourself from people who blatantly make you feel inadequate and make an effort to be with people who make you feel like an equal if possible, but if you feel you cannot do this, you need to work on your own negative feelings first before you focus on others.Often if you're feeling self-conscious about something, you imagine that other people are focusing on it too, but that isn't usually the case.You just need to find a way of letting go of the negative feelings you have about yourself and start focusing and building on the positive things about yourself, which I'm sure there is many, but you just need to focus on making your positives stronger and your negatives much weaker, until they don't affect your life anymore!Good Luck, you will get there x
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A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (6 September 2013):
 i think you said it best "my self esteem". that is the bottom line. you don't need to worry about your height because no one has control of how tall or how short we are. you can lift weights at a local gym, or do like i choose i use a bow flex and am happy with it i am interested in good body tone not interested in impressing a bunch of steroid pumped-up guys at a gym. you can get out and walk, and walk more every few days to build your stamina. you don't need to be a bully or fell aggressive to be masculine. the main thing you don't need to compete with anyone just be yourself. " i don't fell like i have the same potential or capabilities ." we all have different capabilities, talents, potential. no two people are exactly alike. don't worry about someone else out doing you, just be yourself and work on and find your strengths and you will be fine.
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