A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I've come here because I have this mental hurdle that I can't seem to overcome even though I do want to...I'm 18 and I don't have much faith in long term relationships...I have been through a few long relationships that failed, one in which was borderline sexually abusive (he called me names and threatened to break up with me every time I refused to do what he wanted and I gave in because I was younger and more naive and "in love", and he cheated on me with 2 girls). I see couples that were once so close hate each other over time...In my last relationship, I really truly cared about him and after a year of being together he dumped me simply because he got bored of me and fell out of love with me.I feel like it's almost inevitable that one person (or both) will get sick/bored of the other over time. I'm very scared of being with a guy for years and years only for him to tell me he is bored with me, no longer loves me, or has cheated on me. These fears are keeping me from wanting to get married and/or have kids someday. I've been single for a long time and finally became very independent and learned to be happy on my own. And then I met a guy (21) who I really like and he likes me too, even though I really didn't expect or want to get myself into a situation where I could be hurt. Since we met about 3 months ago, we have talked almost every single day. I've told him about my fears and that I'd rather take it slow to be safe and he says he understands. He's actually never had a girlfriend before because he says he is also afraid of getting close to someone only to be dumped. We are very compatible when it comes to sense of humor, intelligence, interests, career paths, maturity, etc. And I love how for the first time, I can be completely honest with a guy about how I feel and what I'm thinking without worrying that he will get turned off or pull away from me. I like how respectful he is towards me and other people in his life. I hate to admit it but I am falling for him.But in the back of my mind I still feel like there's no use as it will almost inevitably end with him getting sick or bored of me or falling out of love with me and/or in love with someone else. I feel very conflicted and don't know what to do?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 April 2014):
 Yours is a rather skewed perspective...
First of all, how do you know that next time for once it could not be you the one who gets bored after a while and wants something different and does the dumping , thereby breaking some poor guy's heart ?. Why do you assume that you will always be the first and only to fall in love or to have staying power - where does it say so ? It can also be the opposite for all you know.
Second, yes of course people change their mind, fall out of love , get tired of their partners. Even after many years, even after many, MANY years, and marriage and chilren. It is quite possible. Perhaps not probable, after several years together, but totally possible.
So what.
By the same token, you could never apply for a job, because sooner or later you could be fired, or the company could close, and how bad would it feel to lose a good job.
You could never have a child because what if he/she grows up to be a criminal and be the shame of his/ her parents.
And, now that I think of it, you could not even get out of your house and cross the street, because you might be hit by a car- even if you pay attention and only cross when it's green.
My point is, you only have a measure of control over the events in your life, and the sooner you accept that the better. You do your best, and hope for the best, that's all. That's all you can do if want... well, live.
Life is a risk, nobody can promise that you'll always be immune from disappointments , heartbreaks, illnesses, separations, abandonments, - GRIEF. You take reasonable precautions, then you cross your fingers and keep going. Reasonable precaution like, say, quit smoking ( or never start ) if you want to preserve your lungs' health. But, you would not try stop BREATHING, would you ?
Of course , relationships and romantic love aren't as necessary as the air we breathe, there's people who do without relationships just fine. But, jeez, what about a bit of optimism , a bit of courage , a bit of sparkle at your young age ? You got , hopefully, years and years and years before throwing the towel, you are only 18 ! Maybe next time you'll get it right... or maybe not , maybe you'll have your heart broken once again at 20, or 30, or 40. So big frigging what. The heart is a very relisient muscle, you'll fall, dust yourself off and rise up again. Knowing that at least , if it only has lasted 20 years rather than forever, or 10 years rather than 20, or 10 months rather than 10 years.... at least you have had something that for you was worth having ( otherwise you would not have gone for it to begin with ). Always better than never having anything, never tryng aything, never loving anything, for fear that one day you might have to do without it .
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2014): You are only 18. You have never really had a true relationship. You aren't truly an adult yet.
You can physically grow another 2-3 years. Your mind and body are literally still developing. You consider yourself a woman; in truth you are still a girl. If you think the way you do, that is proof you have a way to go before you reach real maturity.
I met someone as a teen. What developed over time into a relationship lasted for 28 years. Even though we parted ways to get an education and traveled on our own. It was so strong, we met once again as full-grown adults. By that time, we were old enough to make it work. We knew what we had to do. We never counted on it lasting as long as it did. It just happened. He died of cancer. I never planned for that. It just happened.
I wasn't much older than you when we met. I wasn't even looking for a relationship. One day went by, months, and years. Then cancer took my partner away from me.
So I have to start again; but I'm not worried about how long it lasts. I'm more concerned that it is real and good. It's more important to me how happy I am while I have it.
How long? That's anyone's guess. I'm not depriving myself of it, because it doesn't come with a life-time warranty. I'll take my chances. Nothing lasts forever. They might die, they might fall out of love, they may find someone else. Well, humanity has lasted thousands of years in spite of all that. People still love each other and commit to each other. Even though it might not last forever.
You don't get guarantees in life, my dear. That is why we must have faith. A belief that things can be good, in spite of the odds things can still go bad.
Love is complicated. It seems perfect one day, and then all of a sudden; you wonder what happened, and where did it go?
It is what makes life interesting and a challenge. We prepare ourselves to deal with whatever comes our way. We pursue happiness, even when it seems it may be hard to find. You're supposed to work for it. It's a reward for trying. For believing in yourself, and having "faith."
How about your parents or your grandparents? Did they last?
You want life to promise you that you'll never be disappointed. Are you ready to lay down in a coffin and check out now? You have a long life ahead of you, and nothing is going to always be what you want it to be. There's the good and the bad. The horrible and the tremendous! You have to take it as it comes, and persevere through it all.
You think as a child, only for now. You have more maturing to do. In time, experience will reset your outlook. You will have more realistic expectations. You'll build optimism, and trust that things happen for a reason.
When you were a toddler, one day you decided to stand-up.
You fell a few times, and it even hurt. You stood up again and again; until you could stand without falling. Then you got this crazy notion to take a step. You took one, another; and then another. Next thing you knew, you were standing and walking! You were so confident in yourself and life, you learned even to run. Ride a bike, then drive a car.
What if you gave up because you fell? Because falling hurts?
Even as a baby you had more faith. What guarantee did you have that you would never fall again, or that you could even walk?
Well, life is taken one day at a time, one step at a time.
You build faith as you realize you are strong enough to take what comes your way. Even if it means falling on your butt a few times, or bumping your head.
You are but a young woman. You will change as you mature. Believe in yourself, as you did when you decided the only way you would get from one side of the room to the other, faster than crawling, was to walk. You decided you'd walk upright like everybody else. You only had the mind and intelligence of a toddler. Yet you knew somehow it was possible.
Good relationships don't always last for ever.
You may have had a few "boys" in your life. They were only kids just like you were. They have to mature and learn more about life, to know how to live it. So do you.
Life sometimes has other plans for us. Maybe something even better than the last thing we had. So one thing may pass, to make way for something even better.
Approach life with the same kind of faith as you had when you had no idea you could stand and walk. That you'd still be walking and running, even to this day!
You'll meet someone right for you, and it may last only a few months. If it doesn't last, there may be someone even better waiting for you. That's how it goes sometimes.
Those months could still turn into years. Just as mine did. I know someday, it may happen for me again. I know; because I learned a lot more about life. I have faith.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2014): Look, no 18yo has already had multiple long term relationships. I'm not trying to brush off what you have been through in life but its true. You haven't even been old enough for long enough to have done it.
15-16yo kids can have relationships, yes. Sometimes serious ones. But a relationship at that age is going to be different from an adult one. I don't care what your story is, its just a matter of brain development. Both you and your old BF were not walking around with adult brains back then.
And a year, 2, even 3 years . . that is not what an adult calls "long term" either. That 15-16yo will virtually ALWAYS look back on it in another 5 or 10 years and say they had no idea what an adult relationship was really like back then.
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A
female
reader, Sensible Alice  +, writes (7 April 2014):
 Your trust and faith has been broken by a string of bad relationships, it's understandable you feel as you do. But I think your greatest achievement - and many women don't ever feel this way - is that you've gained independence and you KNOW you don't need a man to rely on, which is such a tremendous thing. You can learn to trust a man again, but he will have to earn your trust and the longer you're with him the more your trust will grow. It would be only natural to lump all men in the 'not to be trusted basket' after all you've been through, as a way to protect from heartbreak. Just be gentle on yourself and remember that it can take a long time to trust again, years in some cases. Some people never regain that trust, instead they hold a grudge and miss out on being loved the way they deserve. You will be able to love and trust a man enough to marry and have children one day. It will just take time and the willingness to risk your heart.
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