A
female
age
41-50,
*ommyto2
writes:this is going to be kind of long, but i really need advice. i have been with my husband for 9 yrs, married for 7. we have 2 boys, 6 and 4. i was pregnant when we got married. i have always been a hard worker and even though i got things from my parents, have a drive to be independent and successful. currently going to school full time for my rn, and work full time as an lpn. husband got laid off in may and is making 160 bucks a week unemployment. when he lost his job, we lost our insurance. so i told my boss i would do whatever job or shift available to make me full time so i could have insurance for my family. i have worked every shift and every weekend since may, on top of school and running a house, and 2 boys and their activities. i have had 2 nervous breakdowns since may bc the stress of working all the time but not having enough money, plus the guilt of not being with my kids, plus facing the thought that i have truly married a loser was far too much. when my husband and i met, he was 23 and unemplyed but living in beautiful house his mom bought for him and decorated and cleaned. i made him get a job which was with his stepdad and he worked there until my fil died and his son fired my husband bc he was worthless. anyways he has had multiple jobs and quit many and never made any money to support us. i have nicely asked him to help me and show me that he cares for me and the boys and our house, i have begged and cried, i have been mean, i have told him i wanted out...i have tried everything and nothing matters. he has not applied or tried to get a job, the house is always a mess, and he barely interacts with the boys. i feel like i despise him and that the thought of sex makes my skin crawl...but another part of me feels like i love him. i really think of divorce but i feel so overwhelmingly guilty bc of my kids. i feel like they will be messed up and that i would have failed them. i also worry about betraying God. i worry about going to heaven if i break my vows even though i feel like he broke his years ago to rspect and appreciate me. i am at a loss and do not know what to do. i am so emotionally and physically drained..the weight of the world is on my shoulders. he is not book smart, so i plan all the vacations, schedule all the dentist/doctor appt (even for him) clean the house, pay the bills, make the money, take care of the kids, work, go to school, i feel like i do everything so why am i married? i dont have a partner i have another child...a man who is okay with watching his wife work her butt off and occasionally fall apart without thinking he has to be a man and step up to the plate. i feel trapped and like i cant breathe. is it okay to divorce? will i betrayig my kids and God? i dont hink he will ever change, its nothing but broken promise after broken promise...please help
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divorce, lost his job, money, my boss, trapped Reply to this Question
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female
reader, mrs. m +, writes (27 September 2009):
Put him out of your life! Its not worth your sanity to keep him around. Not only that, your kids will come to understand why you did it. Your children will be just fine. But they wont be fine if they see their mother struggling with a good-for-nothing father. Your husband has been babied and coddled his whole life. Dont be another coddler. Move on, you will be much happier
A
female
reader, AngellicaWaters +, writes (27 September 2009):
 Why would anyone create a situation for people to suffer and not be able to grow being stuck in a marriage that was loveless, supportless, abusive, neglectful etc?People don't always make informed decisions concerning marriage in the first place (in fact these days people rarely do), so isn't it better to grow and become a better person with someone who is a partner to you or on your own, than to stay in a marriage with someone who isn't willing to grow and become better with you? Do you think that you or anyone else should have to continue to suffer for the mistakes of their youth or due to ignorance if they know better now? I wouldn't think so. Don't worry about "God," worry about growing as a person and getting past this, that will make you far more godly.You seem to be working hard to improve yourself and your children's situation. Keep it up and improve it more by getting out of this relationship too. Next time you do consider commitment in a relationship, you will remember this and learn from it. That is what life is about, learning from mistakes, improving yourself and being the best person you possibly can be. Are you at your best with your husband? Does he bring that out in you or would someone else do better? I hope this helps you. I wish you and your children the best.-Angellica
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2009): I agree with the other 2, you need to leave him. It seems as if this is how he has been since day one, and he has had many chances to change and get off his arse and look for a job. We all know it's hard at the moment to find work, but if he's not even looking, then it just shows he doesn't care and he IS happy to laze around all day while you do all the hard work. You won't be betraying anyone, and staying for the kids and because of religious reasons isn't going to make things all right. You already sound depressed to me and staying in this marriage will make things worse for all of you. I would tell him how you feel, and that you'd like him to move out of the house. It won't be as simple as that, I'm sure he'll try and argue or persuade you that he'll change. You need to be sure of yourself and what you want. He doesn't really have a say as to whether he can stay or not because he isn't contributing to anything. You'll be a lot happier in the long run once he is out of your life. You are already doing great for yourself going back to school AND working whilst looking after 2 young boys, and the hard work will pay off eventually. Good luck and keep us posted.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2009): You and your children deserve way way better. My mum and dad divorced when i was 12 and im glad they did you see it was actually in reverse. My dad was doing everything. Mum on the other hand pfft yea right. Your children and god will forgive you. Its forgive and forget or live in regret. Good luck with everything.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2009): You will not be betraying your kids, you'll be doing them a favour. And I don't think God had him in mind when He set up marriage vows. Take care of yourself and your kids. Leave him to his destiny.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2009): You are betraying only yourself by living an unhappy life. It sounds like you have given your husband many chances and perhaps by leaving him you will shock him into change - or maybe not - but either way there has to be a better life than the one you are living? I think he has let you down terribly. Make your plans.
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