A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Sorry about the length but please do read it all. Thanks!I met this guy online and he was so excited at the prospect of meeting me. He asked me out and planned dinner at the beach.The night we met up something wasn’t right. He seemed distracted, said he was tired, didn’t ask me that many personal questions and so on. He then told me he’s having problems finding a job in our city and will be leaving in a week to look for work interstate. At the end of the 1st hr, dinner he told the waiter we’d split the bill (I was mortified), he walked me to my car, said he’d call when he returns from the interstate thing and then gave me a quick peck on the cheek and hugged me. I was just so confused at his sudden change of heart about the whole thing and I decided to forget him.Then I ran into him the next night while out for a friend’s birthday. I told him that him leaving so abruptly the night before was weird. He said he was tired (which is total crap). I asked if I’d done something wrong and he said no I didn’t and then slowly kissed me on the cheek and left. He didn’t even touch me on our date and this kiss was quite intimate so I got confused again.What I want to know is whether I really could have been that disappointing in person (I behaved on the date, was polite, listened to him and he even said I look better than in my pictures)? Or could something have happened to him before our date that has nothing to do with me but that made him change his mind about pursuing anything with me? It just seems that he was so excited about the whole thing but then something changed his mind even before we met.He had a female friend from overseas visit him for two days just before our date. They went out the night before our date and got quite drunk. Is it possible something happened between them that night? I wonder about this and then ask myself if something did happen between them, why did he even go out with me the next night? Why not just cancel?I messaged him the other day to wish him luck with the job search and said it’d be nice to see him again. I haven’t heard from him and I know I won’t and it’s time to move on to the next one but I’m just struggling to let go of the possibility that I did something wrong here, even though I have a feeling something happened even before we met up.I know I need to let it go so don’t tell me that, I just want some opinions as to the whole situation.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2009): Don't take it personally. He could have problems or he could be in a relationship with the woman who visited. But one thing is sure: he hasn't treated you very nicely. Think less of whether he wants you and more about whether you want someone who treats you like this.
A
female
reader, wonderingcat  +, writes (19 March 2009):
 Again, apologies for even thinking that your real life situation is fictional. Perhaps I have been a bit jaded after discovering that some questions were fictional and posted by serial posters with ulterior motives. Or by someone who keeps refusing the advice given until s/he hears what s/he wanted to hear. Clearly you are not either one of them. Forgive me.
As for your real life situation, you are correct. He should not be wasting your time. I have met many nice and kind hearted Ozzies over the years myself, granted, sometimes it's bloody difficult to understand their accent, And oh, their affinity toward beer for breakfast when they are on a nice beach is also mind boggling to me too LOL
Cat
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys so much on the input. I really appreciate all the comments. Who knows what this guy's deal is, I certainly won't waste more time thinking about it.
And to Cat - yes, they were all my questions and they all relate to this same guy and NO they are not fictional - it's all true and I've been posting the stuff to sort things out in my head. I'm a little perplexed you think it's fiction!
But thanks to the rest of you for the help :))
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2009): I have to agree with one of the other aunts below... I think the overseas friend is more than just a friend. It doesn't mean anything is wrong with you, it wasn't your fault. And, to be honest, it doesn't necessarily make him a dog either. It just means bad timing, all around. Granted, he maybe should've made sure he was done with the old situation before embarking on anything new, but I think he probably likes you, but currently his heart is just elsewhere and he's just keeping his distance knowing he can't give you more than that date.
That's my take on it.
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A
female
reader, wonderingcat +, writes (18 March 2009):
Are you the same person who wrote this previous question?
One date and I don't understand his actions (10 Mar 09)
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/one-date-and-i-dont-understand-his-actions.html
It sounds awfully similar, with only minute details changed.
And now I I suspect that it was a follow up to the question:
I'm not sure what his intentions are
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/im-not-sure-what-his-intentions-are.html
If you are, are trying to write a series or short stories [fiction of course], and you want inputs from people?
If you are not that person, please accept my apologies and please go ahead and post more genuine real-situation questions to Dear Cupid.
Cat
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2009): I've also had these experiences. Maybe it was something you said. I know it was my case too (twice) But I can't help but being extremely honest when I get to a blind date and I end up not liking the guy. It's like I don't care what he thinks about me because I don't like him, so I say whatever I feel.
Believe in that little voice inside. Us women can pick up body language very easy. Specially if we like the guy. He wasn't interested since the beginning and made up all of these excuses.
Maybe he was just curious to see you. Also, it seems like you were the only one who was "very excited" about the date, so maybe he is one of those narcississtic guys who love to see women flirting at them to satisfy their ego. That's why he went to the date eventhough he had a looong night with the other female. I believe him when he told you he was tired. But of course these narcississtic can't get enough attention and praise.
The nice peck on the cheek the night after is just the way flirtatious men are. They need to know they have you in the pocket all the time. They give and take, give and take so you would be in a constant emotional roller coaster. Crazy about them one minute, rejected and confused the next, crazy about them, rejected, etc. Also, he didn't feel the pressure he felt the night before because he had already told you all this stuff about him moving away and you shoul've known by then nothing was going to happen between you two.
Don't be like me. I was the victim of these guys all my teenage years and early twenties because I didn't had enough self esteem.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2009): Don't take it personally, It was him, not You! Try to let it go. Second guessing yourself like this is going to drive you crazy!
As you said, it's time to move on!
Hope your next date goes a whole lot better! (I mean with someone other than him!!!)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2009): Listen this guy was just an online friend, who wanted to meet you on a 1st date. That's it. But this is causing you a lot of stress and over analyzing when clearly it shouldn't. I think the reason you are over- thinking this and possibly taking this incident a tad personally, is because you are a female who attains way too much self -value by attaching herself emotionally to a male, far, far too quickly and her expectations get too high, too soon. You gotta watch that type of behavior and squelch it! He's a friend, you and he owe each other nothing. Guys don't engage their feelings so soon as females. So you have to quit assuming he was supposed to be romanticizing you. He's wasn't, it was a 1st date...all he wanted to do was meet you. It really sounds like he's taking it slow and keeping it all in perspective. This is something... females should learn from males.
Sooo...slow down, hun. Let this progress nicely and play out over time.. Keep your wits about you, use your head, not your heart and shrug it off. If he doesn't call in a week's time, give it up--it's his loss. And if he ever phones you again for a date, tell him you'd like that...but right now, you're busy..can you mnake a date for the following week. Make him work for you. Do not sit by the phone. Get out there and have fun with other people., friends...have a fun life without him. He'll like that even more about you, believe me. You may be amazed..he might give you a call explaining what happened and you'll quickly realize how silly all this angst was. Good luck and be smart, hun.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2009): Why stress over something you cant control? Go with the flow.. let things grow... Dont move on because of one meeting. haha thats just silly!Learn to love over time and love can be amazing.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2009): I am not a psychic, but it seems as if his friend that visited him was more then a friend. Men will often hold on to one thing while they are still making up their minds about another. If he is somewhat confused about how he feels about her, he could have kept his date with you because he viewed you as a good prospective that he did not want to miss out on if things did not pan out with her. As far as she goes, well she is probably somebody that he has not completely let go of yet. Don't be too suprised if you hear from the guy again in a month or two with a whole new attitude towards you, but that does not mean you should sit around and wait either. Take it as a compliment that he was interested enough to keep his date with you even though he still had an old flame he was not quite ready to put out yet. That is how I would take it and oh yeah, much against your wishes, it was just a date move on. LOL! You will more then likely hear from him later on down the line, but already have a new flame of your own burning. HIS LOSS!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2009): Hi, i think your looking into this to much! I met my girl online and i behaved like your guy did "i used the to tired excuse" because what i truely felt was ...shyness.. and wierdness about meeting someone for the first time of the net..(but i did not want to reveal that to her at the time because it might make things akward) eventualy i told my girl this and the next 3/4 dates became more normal and eventualy we got used to eachother and everything worked out fine. Sometimes people who meet first time of the net find it wierd and strange so it takes some time to get used to beuing with eachother in the phsyical after spending so much time on the net/phone/webcam etc..theres a TIME OF AdJUSTMENT just how tehres a time of adjusted online, you obviously felt normal with meeting him for the first time ,however his reaction caused you to think otherwise... i wouldn't worry, just act normal with him and im sure the next few dates will be fine! Take it slow... dont over anylise the situation. Sorry for the spelling mistakes i am at work and had to write in a rush.
ciao
Goodluck
tim
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A
female
reader, Dazed~Confused  +, writes (18 March 2009):
 In my opinion you didn't do anything wrong. He was obviously distracted by something, and there's nothing you can do about that.
Give him some slack too....not having a job, and with the prospects so slim, is stressful.
That being said, if he couldn't afford to date, then he shouldn't have asked you out. However, at least he didn't stick you with the entire bill.
He obviously has to get his life sorted out, so maybe it's better that things didn't go further. You don't need to start things off with baggage.
There are great guys out there, and you'll find the one that's right for you. And that man will never make you feel that you did something wrong when he's the one with issues.
Just be yourself, and be confident, and the guys won't be able to stay away. :)
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A
female
reader, PeanutButter  +, writes (18 March 2009):
 Perhaps he met up with you with different expectations, perhaps he was using you. I would like to think he was initially meeting up with you for sex then met you and became confused and didnt want to hurt you because you were so nice....but perhaps you just weren't it for him, either way i think you need to move on, put it down to experience and find someone new xxxxxxxxxxxx
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