A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year now,we are talking about marriage,I love him and want to marry him but his family not so much!i have met them so plenty times to know I don't feel as welcoming and get this cold vibe!at first I thought it was my reserved nature contributing to it,but despite being reserved I do try sometimes but I can't seem to strike a conversation with them especially my boyfriends brother!i find him weird and moody atleast with ME and it's really hard to make a conversation with him,it never really goes beyond a hi!he gave me a key chain since I was planning to buy one myself and he had a spare one so my boyfriend requested him to give it to me,and when he saw that I don't use it anymore(given I used it for months and I think it's not a crime to switch or make changes)he made a face to which my boyfriend asked if he wants it back and he said yes that his mother could use it and I immediately said I will give it back and the brother said "no keep it" but if he wanted me to keep it he wouldn't talk about returning it in the first place!and they live in the same building so even after marriage I have to live with them and I cannot ask my boyfriend to move out,I have expressed my concerns to my boyfriend but he thinks it's my fault and that I am reserved and don't sit with them more:( what do I do?i'm really having second thoughts because honestly I cannot live with his family and my boyfriend won't move out Reply to this Question
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male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (14 April 2016):
 One of the dirty secrets of marriage -- and doubly so in your case -- is that your in-laws are just apart of your happiness as your spouse is. The fact that you are going to be moving in with his parents means that they are going to be part of your immediate family.
The fact that you don't get along is going to make your marriage more likely to fail and also add additional stress to already what can be a difficult transition.
I think you have a couple of solutions here:
1) Accept the fact that you don't get along and learn to live with the frustrations. Perhaps some day you may bond or at least learn to live with one another, but that isn't likely.
2) Work with your boyfriend to at least put some distance. The fact that he wants to live with his parents screams (at least to me) that he is yet to launch as an adult. Granted, some cultures and families stay close to one another.
3) Move on. If you feel that this is an unreasonable burden and you can't be happy being forcibly close to people you don't get along with, for your own sanity and happiness, I urge you to move on. Marriage can be long and lonely and compounding problems that involve things outside of your control will take their toll.
Ultimately, the decision is yours and I hope you really take your time deciding what is best for you in the long run.
Eddie
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2016): People tend to grow on each other. Families have their ways and are not always very hospitable to outsiders. I think you're giving his brother far too much power over your feelings. He's moody by nature and you're oversensitive to his ways; because you're subconsciously comparing his personality to that of your boyfriend's. They are two different people. Just because he behaves weirdly around you; doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't like you. He may like you a lot, and just awkward about showing it.
You left out tons of details, so that leaves me to speculate. I take it that the brother is in his early 20's or teens. That in itself says a lot, because they are a close-knit family. Introducing a potential spouse means they may want to separate the group. His brother only sees you as the very threat to pull his big brother away, and he will not have the easy access and closeness he's so used too. Even if he is an older brother, the same may hold true.
Yes, your reservation or shyness does attribute to some degree. You didn't show from the very start that you wanted to blend into the fabric of their family unit. That is sometimes misinterpreted to be snobbery. You can't really judge the family by the brother. Even if you don't feel cozy around them, they will be protective of their own and only want the best for your boyfriend. They are not being openly hostile to you in anyway, just distant. Only because they assume that's what you're comfortable with.
Do you feel insecure of not having complete control and ownership of your boyfriend's emotions? Fearing his family's involvement and influence over his life may be opposing to your own? As if being close to his family means he has no mind of his own? You need to step back and think a bit, girlfriend! I see things from many angles.
Yes, to some degree they are evaluating you as a person and remaining in their neutral-zone determining what kind of wife you will be. You're showing no signs of wanting to be close, but instead plotting an escape. So naturally they will not like you much. You don't get to marry people without taking on their families. So get that nonsense out of your selfish little head!
Girlfriends often seem to think the climate has to change; because they've come into the picture. Yes, I've singled out females. Emotion plays a great part in this behavior. Others around you don't have to change, both sides have to adapt. Be inclusive and try to compromise. They will warm-up to you over time, if you make warm gestures and sincere effort to show you do want to be a part of the family, not pull-away.
Your boyfriend has to grow-up. He has to cut the umbilical cord and let-go of his mother's apron strings. Chances are, they have struggled financially over the years; and everyone has contributed to the household for the sake of survival. This brings families very close and protective of each other. There is a dependency that may not be clearly understood from the outside looking in. They may fear growing apart will tear them apart. So you have to gently nudge him to leave. Oh, by the way! That's also his decision to make!
You may have to use tact and diplomacy to help him understand that taking a wife means you have to man-up and leave boyish things behind. You are taking on a wife to start a new life and family. His family will survive, and he doesn't have to migrate to another country to be a good husband! Just give his marriage room to grow and eventually include children.
If you're selfish and just want him all to yourself; that's a problem you'll have to workout. Too often people feel that all attention within the relationship has to be focused on them at all times. They aren't comfortable with their partners having friends, close work-associates, and family that they share their feelings and affections with. If they aren't totally the center of all attention; then they create all sorts of reasons and excuses to upset the apple cart. This one doesn't like me, that one gives me dirty looks, that one doesn't talk to me...on and on.
What about your family? No mention of them. Are you close to them, or is your boyfriend all you have? Do you have a wide circle of friends? A social group of your own, you can consider your support-group? If you will be totally honest with us (most often OP's slant the facts); most likely your boyfriend is the closest person to you. He is the center of your world. So you wouldn't understand the concept of family units that will often stay close their entire lives. It's a very common cultural thing in the Asian, Italian, Middle-eastern, and Latino communities. Generations of families often live in one home. I am of Native American heritage, we lived with my grandparents in a big house; until my parents built our own. I have nothing but the fondest of memories for growing up with both my mom's parents around. They were built-in baby-sitters, a second set of parents, and great nurturers. I'm full of love as a human being for being so blessed.
He will begin to want to get out and start his own life; because time and destiny will force him too. He can't build his life entirely around them, but he can and should include them. He will have no choice but to branch-out and grow-up. Not only you, but life will urge him to give your relationship the space it needs to grow and mature.
You're not yet officially engaged, and looking too far into the future is unhealthy or impractical. He may decide not to marry you, and stay put. You always have the option to go and find someone else.
Often, the decision to marry someone depends on how they get along with the family; and if the family also likes them.
That is often true in the majority of families; which also includes my own. Your boyfriend may have a point; if he feels it's partially your fault. We don't know any of you. To be fair, we have to see it from all sides.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 April 2016):
 IF you don't want to live with his biological family that's understandable.
If he can't see that you two should have your own place, then perhaps he's not the right guy for you.
I know you want us to come up with a way for you to convince him that he should move out and live alone with you, but you can't make him do something he does not want.
and neither should you.
so if he does not want to move out of his family home and you do not want to move in (I would not want to either) then you two are at an impasse and have to agree to disagree.
You say you can't ask him to move out. Yes you can. You don't want to. Because when you do and he says NO it will mean you are not as important to him as his family.
Marrying someone who is close to their biological family means you get the family too. This is much easier to do if you don't have to live with them.
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