A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:What would you do/feel if you had a friend for whom you had feelings. You had started to get close physically and emotionally. Plans were made to meet up (we're living far apart now). But he tells you he got drunk and had a 3some with his friend and his girlfriend. Now we had been emailing each other daily. That's more than I talk to most friends. So I thought maybe this could go somewhere. And he is still coming to visit me in a couple of weeks. But now I don't feel the same about him after what he told me. We hadn't explicitly agreed on our relationship status so he didn't cheat. But it still changes things. And because we have been physical it feels weird to act like just friends now. He's still talking to me like normal. He was embarrassed about what happened. I just acted cool like it wasn't a big deal. What would you do in my situation?
View related questions:
drunk, threesome Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (13 November 2014):
 Yeah, these things happen, it's how we learn, haha! Not one of us haven't been there and done that, I am sure...!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Chigirl and Ciar, that was the sense I needed to hear.
Just to clarify again, he had suggested he was interested in me. My ideas didn't come out of nowhere. We had spoken about how compatable we are and he had taken me on what seemed like dates, spending time alone with me, and like making an effort, like he drove an extra 50 miles on the way somewhere to meet up with me. But yeah to be honest I got quite mixed signels.
I will have to meet up with him and just friend zone him mentally. I have tickets for things we're going to already, and I want to stay friends as we do click so well. I can get over what happened. I shouldn't have got naked with him, a good friend, either. These things happen though I guess. But yeh, no more sharing a bed. That's fine he booked a hotel, I can go home.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (13 November 2014):
 If I had developed a special interest in someone I would not be hopping into bed with someone else and I DEFINITELY wouldn't tell the one I fancy about it. Not if I wanted to convince him my feelings for him were sincere and I was worth pursuing.
Unless I've missed something you haven't said whether or not your guy friend has hinted at or shown any special interest in you. If so, I would probably write him off and move on.
I understand no one has officially cheated, but our actions reveal the kinds of people we are. If he has the same attitude about sex as he does about belching or going to the bathroom then he's not someone I would think highly of. Sex is perfectly natural and I think it should be treated with a degree of respect. That's me though.
So, I suppose either way, I would start distancing myself from him because he doesn't have the dignity or sound judgment I would want in a friend OR a lover.
You'll probably follow through with the meet though, so I suggest you not share a room and absolutely do NOT share a bed, even if you're both fully dressed and there is no touchy feely. It's far too intimate and creates too much uncertainty.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (13 November 2014):
No sharing beds, unless you want to be another one of his "embarrassments"... For real. Do not share a bed with him, he WILL make a move on you and you WONT have the heart to say no. He clearly does not want a relationship, or else he would have kept it in his pants and NOT had a threesome. If he says otherwise then you know he's full of games. Action speaks louder than words.
Not that I am a prude or anything, as long as I am not in a committed relationship I fool around too, same as him. But if I have a special someone in mind that I want to possibly be in a relationship, or ESPECIALLY if I already have feelings for this special someone, then I do not fool around with someone else because it will just feel wrong, same as why you feel things are off now. It's just a no-no. I certainly would not TELL the special someone about my hanky panky with others. Whether or not you had to "drag" it out of him, he must have given out hints and been wanting to tell you, or else he'd not speak a word of it because he ought to know it'd ruin his chances with you.
I say, talk to him in clear words BEFORE he comes to visit you. Or, if you don't want to be direct, arrange for a separate bed and if he asks why it's a separate bed (and separate room too, for that matter), you can tell him "I thought we were just friends, and I don't want to get intimate with friends".
I think he sees you as a FWB to be honest. Fooling around with you/being intimate, yet he fools around with others... yuppers, that's a FWB situation. Don't let him take you for a ride, just say to him it's either friendship or relationship with you, nothing in between.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo yeah, I wasn't very clear with what I wrote. Didn't want to give too many details. Chigirl hut the nail on the head. The guy I like does not have a girlfriend but his friend whom he had the night of hanky panky with does.
Also to clarify for MSA, we have met. I've known him a long time. We hung out in the summer, when we "got together" but went our separate ways due to living diff places. But he seemed keep to keep things going, by making plans to meet up and keeping in touch daily.
I have nothing against what happened. He was actually feeling really bad and embarrassed about it. He wasn't bragging. I had to drag the full story out of him. The 3some happened recently btw, since we have been talking etc.
Also, You Wish he didn't blow off the meeting with me, that is still happening in a couple of weeks. Which is why I feel weird about the situation. It just is weird now. I don't have super mega strong feelings for him it's more that we get on really well and our lives are compatible so I had been thinking about it going somewhere and I know he was too. But now it would feel weird to go down that road but he's still coming to meet me and we were talking about sharing a bed. Yeah I guess it's just one of those things. He obvs isn't thinking about taking things that serious with me or he wouldn't have done that or told me. Oh well.
...............................
A
female
reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (13 November 2014):
I think she means the guy she's interested in had a threesome with HIS best-friend and his best-friend's girlfriend. 2 men and a girl. The guy that the poster is interested in is single.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (13 November 2014):
 only if grammar and clarity override emotions.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (13 November 2014):
 "But he tells you he got drunk and had a 3some with his friend and his girlfriend."
Wouldn't the OP have said "HER" girlfriend?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2014): He has a girlfriend... Um... move on.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (13 November 2014):
I think he doesnt know how you feel about him, and thinks you are just being friends, hence the "bragging" about a threesome. And what the OP means, I believe, is that her crush is single, but he has a friend with a gf, and they had a threesome. So no cheating.
But I would feel the same way you do. You have feelings for him, obviously he doesnt return those feelings/doesnt want a monogamous relationship now. So thats a buzz kill.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (13 November 2014):
I'm confused. You have feelings for the guy, right? He just told you that he blew off a meeting with you because he JUST had a 3some with two people, one being his current girlfriend? Was he describing something he JUST did?
Doesn't this mean that he cheated on his girlfriend by talking to you?
Either way, I can tell you that your relationship is going nowhere.
...............................
A
female
reader, MSA +, writes (13 November 2014):
 Have you met this guy before? How can you be physical if you've never met?
This is something I think you will need to take time to think about, digest, and decide whether you are accepting of being with someone who's been in a threesome.
Often times it takes time to digest and accept things about our partners. The initial reaction may be quite negative and might even lead you to think you have lost all feelings for this person. But if you are able to get past it and understand that this is something he did before you and him got together, then there might just be a chance for you both.
If you don't like the idea of a threesome, then you can let him know that after you both become a couple, he should not do it anymore.
Best of luck!
...............................
|
