| A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: hello, I have to warn you guys of the length of this post- but I hope a few of you read it and give me some good advice. I have been with a man for about 2 years and to be honest things are pretty good. We live together and he is a wonderful partner; he is funny, trustworthy and a great friend. When we got together he had been single for almost two years after the breakup of his first serious relationship. He had been with that girl for two years and he described the relationship as stressful. From what he said she was very demanding, shouted at him and caused their home life to be stressful. He said that tehy argued almost five days a week and then he would have to make things better only for her to start another fight in which they wouldnt talk again. She was very young- in her early twenties (he is 40) and had a child from a previous relationship. He supported her and her child finacially. She was quite high manitenace and as a result got into very large amounts of debt to pay for her life style. He paid her rent, he bought her a tv, phone paid the down payment on her car and various other things. He said he loved her and put in lots of time and effort into the relationship. With me he is not like this. I willingly pay half for all the household expenses (i feel its right) and I faily chilled out and do not shout at him or anything. WE have lots of fun. However he never tells me loves me, he does not write me love letters, he doesnt even get me a card for our anniversary =he does not even speak to me about problems that we have or if I have upset him. he just clams up and I am the one to put in all the effort to make this relationship work. I don't feel specal in this relationship. Its like I am constantly living in the other girls shadow and I hate it- but I love him very much. Has anyone gone through this? Any tips? I feel low and sad and not worth much at the moment, please help me .
View related questions:
anniversary, debt Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2009): Hello,
I posted this question- and thank you all for your reply. its good to hear that I am not the only one who has gone through this and to the first (or second) poster, it must have been hard to slowly eradicate her from his life and of course your life too. I live with my man, but he actually exorcised her from his home before I moved there, in fact right after their breakup. So far the only things I have found are a few hangers with women's clothes sizes on them -which I genuinely think he kept to hang his clothes up. HE doesn't keep any photos or any thing like that- so in that respect I'm pretty lucky. However, she does have agreat hold in the most important part of him= his heart and head.
As for the other poster- yeah I have told him all this but he just goes all moody and silent. I am slowly trying to let go of his past (which sounds ridiculous as I write it seeing as I wasn't there and it has nothing to do with me) but I also feel like why should I be the one to give him great memories and good times when I don't get half as much back from him and she did when all she gave him was misery.
A
female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (13 August 2009):
 Yes I have been in your exact shoes! Just like you I got involved with a guy who had come out of a bad relationship, but he still loved the woman. They were together 2 years, she had been gone 2 years when I met him but he was still holding out hope she'd return. Like your situation, this woman was very hateful to him, had bi-polar symptoms and he kept trying to fix the relationship. She had three little kids he was very attached to. When she finally left, she took everything he had, that wasn't nailed down. I met him 2 yrs. later and he still had a few of her things around the house, he'd never painted the walls where the kids had used crayons. He still talked about her obsessively. I decided to be patient and help him get over his grief. No one really understood why he could love someone so awful! It took a long time before I felt like he truly loved me. I was just about to give up hope because he forgot my birthday 2 years in a row and made very little effort. If I wasn't so in love with him, I would've bailed out after year 1. I honestly don't know why I stayed. We've been together 5 years and he has gotten much better. I think he still loves his "ex" but I don't feel like I'm living in her shadow as much, although I'd be worried if she showed up on our doorstep (however unlikely that would be). Everytime I didn't feel like I was being respected, I told him. Of course we'd fight, and he'd tell me to quit comparing myself to her; and to stop living in the past. I told him it was hard not to, when her pictures were still on his computer, her bathroom supplies still in the bathroom etc. So one by one, I started removing her shit. When he'd go away on business, I started cleaning house. I washed the crayon marks off the walls and re-painted the rooms. I slowly started deleting pictures off the computer or moving them to CD discs and stored them in the attic. Everytime I came across something that looked like it belonged to her or a small child, it went into the trashcan. I can finally say she has been exorcised from our house and hopefully from his mind. If you really love this guy, you may have alot of work ahead of you. Will it be worth it? Only you will know. Wish you the best. xoxox
...............................
A
female
reader, QuirkLady  +, writes (13 August 2009):
 Have you talked to him about how this makes you feel? I realize that you said he clams up, but I think if you sit down and have a quiet heart to heart about things he may open up to you. Tell him that you would like to hear I love yous, that you would like a card on your anniversary, that you would like a love letter. It is not bad to ask for what you need to feel special.
I think that you need to let go of what he did in his previous relationship. Sure, he did things, but then he ended up used and hurt. Now he is with you, and you two are happy together, and that's all that counts.
Good luck.
...............................
|
