A
female
age
30-35,
*lower89
writes:I don't think my partner actually wants me anymore.I am someone who enjoys cuddles, and kisses and wee bits of affection.My partner never does that unless he wants sex. Even sitting watching a movie together and I will want a cuddle ect and he won't. Wee haven't even kissed each other in like a week. Just makes me feel lunloved, today I made a effort and made myself look nice for him, he wanted sex but after that no cuddles no affection. Just makes me feel hallow. Other ways he is really good and practical and helps and also with my kid too. I feels more like friends with benefits than in a relationship. I'm the point now do I just end this. I don't feel loved or what he wants really, I'm always worried he's cheating or there is someone else. I have no proof of that just a gut feeling something is really off. None of my family or friends want to see me with him and that also makes me think.I don't know what to do. Surely if a man is attracted to u and really in love he would want to kiss u and put his arms around u. I feel the only time he does is for his needs to be meet. That makes me feel hollow and worthless like am not good enough or something must be wrong with me. I keep hoping it will change or I am wrong but my gut tells me I should walk away.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2021): Sometimes it's difficult trying to figure-out how to convey your feelings over to a person who can't really relate to what it is you want them to understand about your emotional needs.
You'll feel awkward and embarrassed, vulnerable, and downright silly trying to "tell" somebody you want kisses, caresses, and hugs. You expect them to do it instinctively and spontaneously. You shouldn't have to ask or "beg" for it! It's fun to beg as a game, when both are up for it though! They'll either look at you like they want to, or like you've lost your mind! When they haven't done those things for a long time; suddenly asking for it makes them feel uneasy and slightly annoyed. "Here we go! But that just isn't me anymore!" As we mature, we start to change in our ways. Sometimes it seems darn silly, and sometimes people just draw those loving-feelings out of you! It's really sad when it's lost! As so many songs go!
Your/our relationship becomes settled. It's just not like it used to be when you first met. It's unrealistic to expect it to always be that way. It has a lot to do with the depth of the emotional connection; and how naturally-affectionate either person is.
I used to watch my parents. They were really close. It was common to see them do stuff like holding hands, or snuggled on the couch. My dad always put his hand on my mom's lower-back, she always gave him back rubs. He stroked her long hair. We got hugs and kisses from our parents and grandparents all the time. It was commonplace and expected to be affectionate in our family. Therefore, that warm family-environment and conditioning strongly influenced our behavior. I took on those traits as a part of my personality, and it carried-over into my relationships; but it is well understood from the very beginning that's who I am. If I knew it made anyone uncomfortable, or they don't like being affectionate. Forgetaboutit!!! See-yah! No lopsided relationships for me!
I don't date unaffectionate people. I don't like untouchable-lovers!!! I don't beg or grovel!
The key-point to be made here is that it has to come natural for the person! They have to like it in abundance and offer it generously because it is a part of who they are! It can't be forced.
It was always clear with anybody who wanted a romantic-connection with me, that's how I am; and I like those kinds of things in return. If I'm tired, or pissed at you; don't expect me to be that fuzzy-wuzzy side of myself. I have to be in that mood! My partner has fully adapted to my ways; and it has rubbed-off. Anyone who knows and cares for me, expects hugs and kisses; and they will wonder what's wrong if they don't get the love! I know everyone doesn't like you to invade their space; so it's something you have to be amply respectful of. Hand's-off, unless it is appropriate, they are consensual; and they like to be touched! If they are standoffish and cold, that might carry-over to their romantic-relationships as well. It is what it is!
Some guys don't feel any further need to turn-on their charm and romance to woo and seduce their lover once their relationship has become bonded and established. Over years, it's only natural that people become complacent, domesticated, and used to each other. Familiarity over the years can lead to boredom; and romance starts to dry-up. That's just how it goes sometimes for some people. You've got to keep working at it, to keep it alive! If one of you gives-up, then it may be too late to bother and rekindle what's snuffed-out! If you're prone to complaining or whining; and if you're short-tempered and temperamental, and always barking. That's a turnoff! It's hard to be affectionate to an irritating-person.
Now to be fair, all relationships go through the usual wear and tear, or ups and downs. Sex-drives might fluctuate, and when conflict and friction become too prevalent in the relationship; people slowly drift apart. Financial-difficulties, bills, and job-stress also kills your passion; and it drains you of all your normal sensibilities. I can't lie, I myself have been often robbed of my usual tenderness when I'm stressed and overworked. Fortunately, having the right partner helps. They'll know your moods and understand your needs. If things become uneven, you've got to talk about it. No matter how uncomfortable or uneasy it feels. It's better than stewing on it!
Sometimes familiarity translates into a loss of passion or boredom due to predictability and routine. Guys or ladies who had a very active sex-life in their past might reach a point in life that they just want to settle-down. Sometimes there's one thing that might never change. They're used to having an "assortment" of partners, had a lot of casual-sex, and one-nighters. They may have had a dark past, they've kept secret; where they may have compensated for boredom by cheating to keep variety in their love-lives. It's a secret that may not be discovered about them; until way down the road! Being distant is not always attributed to cheating. Don't get it twisted. You need evidence to come to that conclusion. Not being affectionate or giving you kisses is weak evidence.
When people first become a couple, there's a lot of sexual-tension; both will put on their greatest performance at showing their partner how sensual and seductive they can be. Besides all the hot young hormones and promiscuity of our youth! There is a lot of freshness at the beginning of all relationships; but sometimes it's very superficial and the passion doesn't run that deep in the emotional-sense. Passion and expression of affection is likely to plateau at some stage in time; even for people who have frequent sex, and tend to be gropey and lovey-dovey all the time. Domestic-complacency just happens. To anybody and everybody! Love is what corrects it, refreshes it, and keeps things going!
If you choose someone who isn't the very romantic, or spontaneously-affectionate type; he might have been putting on a performance to impress you early-on in the courtship. Once he's sure the relationship is a sure thing, he's going to slack-off. He doesn't have to put on the Romeo-act anymore. He just wants or needs a woman when he's horny, and all that extra stuff is work.
Maybe he doesn't do it, because he just doesn't feel like it. It doesn't come natural, and it was all fake back in the past; just to show you how much game he had, or how studly he could be as a man. As a lover, he's lazy until he wants sex. If that's who he is, that's that! No amount of talking and counseling will make an "unaffectionate-person" an affectionate-person. That doesn't mean they don't have needs, like hugs and kisses on occasion, or want sex; they just can't find it in themselves to easily express warmth, or extend their physical-connection through touch, lest it involves sex.
Like everyone else has mentioned, it might be more helpful if we knew how long you've been together; and it matters if the partnership is a marriage. There are different and much greater responsibilities between a husband and a wife; when it comes to seeing to your partner's needs. Boyfriend to girlfriend exchanges aren't held to the same high moral and emotional standards; although there are similarities in expectations. Sometimes non-married domestic-relationships reach their expiration-date. They remain together out of force of habit, and for financial convenience. It helps when somebody is a good cook and housekeeper. Either partner!
Invite him to have a deep discussion about your needs with your man, and see how receptive he is to talk about it. It has to go two-ways. Not you complaining about what he does and doesn't do; then it turns sour when it's his turn to tell you what he wants or misses. If you've only hinted or have never come right-out and said anything. He can't read your mind! If he's stupid, enlighten him!
If he's not even concerned enough to talk about it and fix it; then there's your answer.
A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (5 March 2021):
 I don't know how long the pair of you have been together, but has he ever been loving torwards you in the early stages of your relationship?. If so, when did things start to change.
I think that maybe communication is the key here. Talk to him and tell him how you feel, and how neglected you feel.
I think after this if things don't change you might want to consider leaving him.
I think that the fact that none of your family or friends want to see you with him, OP this says it all. I think its time for you to leave.
You are not happy there with him, i think staying is just making things worse, and prolonging the unhappy feelings. I agree with you when you say it seems like a friends with benefits thing.
Get a support net work with your family and friends, they already think your better off without him, so i'm sure if you tell them your leaving him they will be there to support you.
Op its better to be happily single, than unhappily in a relationship.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 March 2021):
 You don't write how long you have been together, so all we can do is guess a lot.
1. he might be "past" the honeymoon touchy-feely stage or he might not be very touchy-feely, to begin with.
2. when did this change? If he USED to be a tactile person but now he isn't, is there an event you can tie in with him dropping in being "hands-on"?
3. If he was never all THAT big on holding hands or cuddling maybe you are just noticing it more?
(impossible to guess)
4. if you dress up for more attention and he goes straight to sex, did you WANT sex too? Or did you hope sex would lead to more intimacy?
5. many people are NOT cuddly after sex or he used to be?
6. Have you asked him what's going on? VERBALIZED how you feel a little neglected? If not, why not? He can't read your mind, OP
I'd say talk to him, if nothing changes, end it.
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