A
male
age
30-35,
*ack 7777
writes:Im 27years old and never been in a serious relationship and the women i have dated have always had mental health problems or low self esteem.Anyway during this pandemic I met this woman online, she is 25 years old...we connected 2 months ago....we constantly chatted everyday on video and we did meet up and stayed in a cabin for 2 nights with her...during that time she told me she had a child 2 years ago with a maniputive, psychotic boyfriend...the child was planned but because he wasnt fit to look after the child and she wouldnt leave her boyfriend the child was adopted out....Eventually she left her boyfriend and went back home to live with her parents but this is the problem...she always talk about her son as if she is still his mother and bringing him up and that puts me off....she puts photos of her son on facebook and all i keep thinking about is her past... She tried to make it work with her ex boyfriend even when the child was taken off them and adopted out...I cant get my head round the fact that she went with someone like him and basically had planned a baby with him in the first place?...She is a caring, kind,thoughtful person and i do care about her a lot but now since iv known her i feel low, with anxiety and taking prozac....She has already told me she loves me and shes never felt like that with anyone else before but i feel cornered and pressured into making this relationship work...How can I move forward in this relationship if she keeps talking about her past?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2021): Situations like this are never 'black and white' as in: she should never have planned to have a baby with a psycho and then tried to make it work with him even after the baby was adopted. Men can go to the ends of the earth to manipulate women by finding their weaknesses, and it may well be the case that the woman you are in contact with is, by nature, extremely giving to the point of this being her weakness and the route via which he was able to manipulate her. Sometimes when someone has never really been loved, and / or has never really had much in life at all, the very intense dynamic of being with someone who is mentally ill can, in a way, take on what seems like it's own kind of truth - that is, like a very intense level of existence that bonds the people involved, and effectively separates them out from what the rest of us are experiencing as reality. I grew up with a mentally ill sister and was involved with two mentally ill men and, as a tutor, have taught countless adult students with mental health difficulties; overall, whilst all of them are different, there is a tendency for them to be extremely self-interested and to draw you in, manipulating you into caring for them; I think this is very likely what happened with this woman and her ex.
She is still processing it all, trying to make sense of it. She's being as honest as she can be with you. It's rare to find someone who will really listen, accept us for what we are, and give the love and stability we need to get over something very traumatic. Also, a mother's bond to a child is like no other, so she will still be trying to figure out what shape her bond with her child can now take, after what's happened.
Is she manipulating you into caring for her? I doubt it. She's probably very anxious, underneath, to be accepted. The pace at which this is happening between you and the intensity of the current situation in lockdown have to be acknowledged here as factors affecting your communication. You can be assertive and say to her that you'e not judging her but need to take things a bit slower, as the intensity is affecting you. You can reassure her you care, but it's a lot for someone to take in, especially when they have not experienced parenthood themselves. It sounds like your fearful and that the bad decisions she made seem to justify your fears; why not just tell her what you are afraid of? See if she is able to take on board your feelings and take t from there.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (6 March 2021):
 I think she is all wrong for you, OP
If you can not understand that being pregnant, giving birth means she IS a mother (even if she gave up the child for adoption) and that it was a MAJOR event in her life. She had a child at 23. While it's not super young, she probably has a LOT of emotions about it all. Not just having the child but having to make the almost impossible choice of adoption. I'd compare it to having to cut off an arm. People who have lost limbs still have phantom pains there and sometimes even an itch. IMAGINE that?! Your foot is itchy, except you don't HAVE that foot anymore.
The fact that she posts and talks about the kid is probably a bit to soothe her own feelings of guilt and inadequacies as an adult. She is doing what moms who do NOT have to give up their child would do. And she probably also LOVES this child still.
If YOU feel this is too much for you (and it seems that way) maybe you need to end it before you get in too deep.
I would think it was OK to have a talk about her making an effort to let go of the ex and talking about the ex, as there are 2 people in your relationship (you and her) not 3 (you, her, and him - the ex). I think that would be a fair request.
But asking her to not talk about her child? Or post about it? I think that would be cruel. TBH.
You write:".I cant get my head round the fact that she went with someone like him and basically had planned a baby with him in the first place?."
She was young. If she was 23 when she had the kid she would have been 22 or younger when she dated him. She didn't have the experience to PICK a good one back then. We all make mistakes, hers was to pick him and have a child by him. Your mistake is to pick women (or in the past you did) with mental health problems.
Stop throwing rocks when you live in a glasshouse.
Again, If this is too much for you - then let her go, find someone with "less baggage".
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (6 March 2021):
 She still talks about her son as if she is still his mother, because she is still his biological mother and always will be.
she gave the child up because the father was not fit to look after the child?. she should have left him and brought the child up on her own.
She obviously has deep regrets and a lot of emotion surrounding this. I think that you have got to be accepting of the fact that she has had a rough ride, has had to make some tough decisions, whether they were right or wrong is irrelevant now.
By your own admission you say she is kind, caring, and a thoughtful person, and you care about her a lot, and vice versa.
she is going to want to talk about her son, about her past, and if you love her and want a future with her i think you need to be her rock, her support network and be there for her when she needs it.
I know you don't find it easy, but as time goes on things will easier. Nothing is ever going to change the fact that she has a son that she gave up, and she never is ever going to erase this from her mind.
If you can't accept this then maybe you may have to question if this relationship is really for you.
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