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male
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anonymous
writes:Hello all. I'm once again, needing advice from you all. An agony aunt myself, I thought it would be best to see other people's opinions on views on what I should do, rather than what I "see" as the right thing to do. A girl I used to go out with has been going out with this other guy for a number of months now. I still love her, in more ways than the obvious, and we both have a friendship that I have never experienced before. As a result, we care very much for each other's welfare. I'm not going to deny that I would like to go out with her again, but what matters the most to me is her happiness. She has given me everything and really made me the man I am today and I would give anything to repay that. If that means I can't go out with her, then so be it. But I digress...Some time ago her boyfriend kissed a girl (or the girl kissed him, i've never been able to find out exactly...). He told his girlfriend (my friend) quite a while later, which is good but was very late when it came out. 2 months late in fact. The reason he gave for them kissing was that he wanted her to taste the liquor shot that he had just had. As you can imagine, I was pretty much astounded that that was the excuse he had given her. I gave her the advice to talk to him about it, what questions to ask etc. She wasn't going to, but after my reaction to his excuse she agreed that she needed to talk to him and tell him that he can't do things like that. He let on before this, that he had liked this girl before going out with my friend. As a result, my friend is wondering whether her bf has some underlying feelings for this other girl and is going out with her just as a convenience. I assured her that this is not the case. This experience lowered my opinion of him greatly, and because I feel protective of her I am unsure as to what to do or what further advice to give. She still has not spoken to him by the way. I do not want my advice to be clouded by my feelings or indeed bias but do you guys have any further thoughts? I'm sorry, I do realise the question probably has already been answered, but....it would be nice to have someone else give a second opinion.
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female
reader, Manya  +, writes (9 April 2007):
Hello again!
If she's losing sleep over this, then it may be a bigger issue than I thought.
Perhaps she's afraid to talk it over with him because she can't bear to put her heart (and his feelings for her) on the line. He may reveal reassuring news, or possibly something hurtful. Hopefully not, because it sounds like she has many feelings for him
It may be nothing, but I think she should put it to him in as gentle a way as
possible, maybe as it pertains to her relationship with him, and hope it turns out for the best.
You seem to be suffering, too & it IS an awkward position for you to be in!
I hope that you can find a way to be happy in all this!
Manya
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your responses. In reply to Manya, she does want to talk to him about it as it is concerning her but she hasn't had a chance yet and when she has had a chance she has procrastinated. It's making her lose sleep over the whole affair. I'm speaking to her tonight and am going to give her unbiased advice and basically be a listening ear as I don't think she has spoken to anyone else about it. Don't worry, i'm not going to use this situation to my advantage as such an action would disgust me. It just disappoints me greatly when I know that she deserves so much better.Again thank you for your responses and Manya, has my extra information helped?
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A
female
reader, Manya +, writes (8 April 2007):
Hi! I know your main concern is the happiness of your former girlfriend, and she's lucky to have a friend like you who still cares about her so much! Obviously the kiss is of concern to her, which must mean that she and hercurrent guy may be going through some kind of rough spot. I did know a boy, college-aged, who kissed another girl at a party, and hisgirlfriend found out and it was pretty awful for them for awhile, but last Iheard they were doing well. He said he didn't know why he did it, I think hedid love his girlfriend, but had only gone out with a few women, and maybejust wanted to see, being young, what another kiss might be like. Another thing that may've happened with your friend's bf, is that he felt shewas a little unstable in her affection, or that he fell short? or somehow he wanted to reassure his manhood or something. Does that make sense? It is so hard to tell. If she doesn't want to talk it over with him, maybe it's a sign that it's not THAT big of a deal... I don't know if that helps at all, but I would need more information to reallybe able to tell if this guy is a bad sort, or just young and human as all of us are! Manya
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2007): Well, all in all, it was not such a big thing. It could have really been insignificant. But I am curious as to why the bf even mentioned it. Was he really just trying to be honest, or was he looking for a cetain reaction. At any rate, you are right not to try to use this to your advantage at this point. What she does should be her own decision. I am sure she is aware you are there for her. Let her work this out and don't try to influence her. It will be to your advantage to not have been a factor in any break up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2007): sounds to me like hes a loser! and she needs to get away from him! no affence but i dont recon it was just a kiss! guys like that only tell u a small part of the lie!i think u do right been protective and its nice u still care for your friend! but if u ask me she needs to get rid and soon before his lies trap her there!
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