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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi, I was wondering if anyone could give me advice please. I want to feel good about sex or my own sexual values (what are those anyway?)but I was in a verbally abusive relationship in which I have my virginity to him and now I don't feel good about my body or myself or sex. Does anyone know how to get over this? I feel like it's haunting me in my new relationship with my bf who's the complete opposit of my abusive finacee. Please any help would be greatly appreciated, thanks Reply to this Question
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female
reader, mags +, writes (10 March 2006):
Yes hun, What are your own sexual values? The fact you are saying that shows to me that you will soon overcome this problem, as you are ready to move on and learn. You are already on your way, and you will be ok!one day you may feel that this abusive person has made you stronger because you already realise that this is not how you want to be. You realise this! Congratulations,and yes maybe you will be helped be seeking the advice of a professional but my own practise and experience is to muddle through and make my own decisions/mistakes, but boy do they make us stronger. I feel strongly about your problem because I too have been there. I am now in a fairly happy relaxed relationship but it took me long while to trust him after my previous abusive relationships, I had to learn about myself and strangly enough how to be selfish! What do I want and more importantly what do I need? Learn to ask for what you want 'I would like it if you did this to me' etc As he was your first and at the moment you have a shakey opinion of yourself, i would also advise (on top of whats already been said) that you you spend quality time alone with yourself, forget about that jerk (do not re-live bad things) and learn what you like about yourself sexually, assert yourself as a compassionate woman by being compassionate to yourself, take some time away from your new guy to discover what makes you feel sexy and turned on. you could engage in a love affair with yourself-learn what you like and how you like it. After all how can you have someone else love you well if you dont know how to yourself. Take your time and rediscover yourself as the beatiful sexual being you want to be. and say to yourself all the time 'All is well' x
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2006): I agree with the advice you have been given about seeking some help if this is getting to be a real obstacle to climb over. Being abused by someone you loved in your past, is a profound betrayal of trust. And for some people, it's a long process. So please, be kind and thoughtful to yourself and don't create unrealistic timetables for recovery. The only way you will regain a sense of value in yourself, is by learning to trust again. It sounds like you have started this important journey by understanding that and discovering to re-trust again. What an important step for you! This new relationship sounds like a great one for you. And no matter how many times you have been hurt by people in your past, you definitely owe it to yourself to bestow trust on the next person who loves you. Give yourself a pat on the back for having chosen wisely. But..please go slow and stay steady though. The indignities you suffered in your past relationship will not fade away, overnight. The more you gain trust of the new guy, the more that over time, your anxieties will go away. It'll really just get easier until it becomes just a small part of who you are. Time and patience is your best friend, right now, dear. There are many wonderful, courageous women out there will attest to wonders of feeling renewed at rediscovery and of having the freedom to spend their time doing whatever they choose after abuse. Just keep that in mind....freedom is there ...you just have to endure the journey!
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A
female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (9 March 2006):
 Go with what sexybum has suggested and get some professional help....I understand that there is sometimes a stigma with admitting we need *mental* help, but if you broke your leg you wouldn't refuse a plaster cast would you?
This guy you were with has done a number on you. He had problems and by making you feel bad about yourself he has transferred his problems to you. Well I am going to tell you to HAND THEM STRAIGHT BACK!! They are his problems do not own them.
You say you have a new and loving BF. Then start to listen to what he has to say. He loves you...do not question why. Accept you have a right to his love and accept that unconditionally. Please dont let some muppet with a problem ruin your life.
Go for professional help, starting at your local Brook Clinic or GP. They can point you in the right direction. Then hold your head high. Life is fun so get that feeling back and forget about the past.
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A
female
reader, Sexybum +, writes (9 March 2006):
 Honey, please go to your docter and tell him how you feel, they help with things like this as well you know!
I felt so bad about myself and they suggested counselling, I thought it would be a waste of time, why do I wanna trudge through all the crappy stuff again? But once you do it, you get to the bottom of all your feelings, you are helped and able to make the changes needed in your life, that pherhaps you can't push yourself to do right now, and also when tradegy strikes again, you are better able to deal with it.
You have a good boyfriend, you say, so he could be very supportive to you, the first step is to go to the docters and ask them for a decent counsellor, be prepared that if you're not a raging alcoholic, you might not get it on the NHS, I has to go private and pay about £5 a session, but it is sooo beneficial, please update us on how you get on, x x
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