A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I apppreciate that I am a bit old to be feeling jealous but this is how I feel. I am due to be getting married again to a man I have known for 13 years. We met at work. At the same workplace was a lady that my boyfriend used to spend a lot of time with and for a short period of time they lived together in his flat when she was looking for somewhere else to live. I was married to someone else at the time but I always liked my current boyfriend a lot and used to feel a great deal of jealousy when he spent time with her although I accept that he was free to do whatever he wished. Anyway time went on, I got divorced and this lady went to live in another town. My boyfriend and her kept in touch and he would see her when he could, talk to her on the phone a lot etc etc. When we got together as an item I explaind to him that I didn't like him talking to her all the time and seeing her because it made me feel insecure and unhappy and reminded me of when we all worked together and the various things that went on. Now I know as much as my boyfriend says otherwise he really wanted this woman and loved her and although she liked him as a friend and would always go to him in times of trouble she did not appear to want him as a husband/ boyfriend etc. Now we have got together she is always on the phone to him. Yesterday my boyfriends work took him to her new town. I knew without asking that he would want to meet up with her and low and behold he tells me that he is meeting her for coffee. I have explained to him so many times that him having anything to do with this woman greatly unsettles me but he says that I am being ridiculous but still sees her. I have had to call an ultimatum today beause I cannot accept that a man who supposedly loves me would wilfully choose to see this other woman when he knows how much it hurts me. This si something that for over 13 years has eaten away at me. My point is that although i don't think for one minute he is jumping in to bed with her, I feel there is a deeper bond that I can't compete with. She is also younger than me and more of his type and I am a more cultured individual from a different background. Am I being irrational or do you think my gut instinct is right to walk away from this before it is too late?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2009): Absolutely trust your gut instinct. It matters not whether this bond between your man and this other woman is strong or not. You have explained your feelings, how it upsets you and you have not got hysterical or acted in the wrong way. In fact many people would consider you incredibly patient. The fact your boyfriend then decides to ignore those feelings and not respect you sends the strongest indication of a man that does not really care about you. He is proactively choosing his own feelings and his feelings towards this other woman over you. If I am honest I would let him go. Let him make his decision but in the meantime I would get out there and meet new men because there are a lot of men who will not have feelings for another woman and play you around like this.
A
female
reader, salvadda  +, writes (7 July 2009):
 Dear Friend...after reading your letter I don't think yourgut instinct is wrong. You do have a reason for feeling as you do, no matter what it is. When 2 decide to get married I do believe the wife/husband should come first. However in giving him an ultimatum that may have put him on the defencesive. As if you would be trying to control him so to speak. You did do a good thing in explaining to him how you feel etc. I will with respect to you to ask him along with yourself to go to concelling with you over this. I myself take this as a serious matter. You do not want to start a marriage with such feelings as you have stated. It is unhealthy. Everyone has issues and this is yours, and very well founded. You have tried your best to make him understand your point of view regarding your feelings towards this woman. Before you call it quits, try to talk with him about going to seek professional help. The both of you will benefit from this in other ways also. It will allow you both to talk about things in the presents of a professional who will be fair and unrelated to each of you. My opinion is that 13yrs is a very long time to throw away without trying everything that is available to both of you. Explain that it would be something that would ease your mind, make you feel better, and help you, *both* to understand eachother's feelings over this matter. He needs to understand that you should come first and that if it bothers you now it will bother you into the marriage and cause even greater problems. In opinion this will put strain on your marriage, and he needs to know this.Try to talk to him *and I'm sure u will* in a caring way, concerning, and loving way as to not make him feel as if you don't trust him. Even if you have to tell him it is something you have to come to terms with and that counselling will help you find this out. Don't write him or yourself yet without trying to find a solution for this prob. I do believe you r justified in your feelings, and you do need to come to terms and find answers to how/why your feeling as you do. So plz take my advice and talk with him about seeking concelling. If he does loves you he will try to help you to understand and agree in seeking conselling. I hope it does work out for you, and I say to again with great respect don't give up until you have tried everything that is available to you. Good luck and take care
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