A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been confused for the last few days. I have ongoing family issues that I am dealing with. (Parents divorcing, dad having an affair, dad leaving the country to start a life with the 'other woman') Although this all happened in 2011, it still affects me to this day. I still cry over it, there are days where it really bothers me and other days where I don't think about it.Lately, it has really been on my mind again. I have been up til around 5-6 am in the morning just thinking, not able to sleep because of it.Now, I'm 20 (nearly 21) and I'm seeing this guy that's 21. We live about 2 hours (or so) away by train, 3 hours by car - but neither of us drive.I have seen him once. Met him in person the first time, seeing him for the second time in a couple of weeks time.Now, we have been talking for a couple of months, but it was more friendly, and things got more serious between us towards the beginning of March. Where we established that we do in fact like each other, we both are not interested in seeing other people and that's when we planned a visit.Now, we text a lot. Mostly everyday, but when I realised I was doing most of the conversation starting. I decided to back off. I don't want to be the only one texting first, so I left that up to him. He has contacted me every other day or every 2 days, since I started doing that. I do say hello first as well, but not constantly the way I used to before.However, last night I really needed someone to talk to, I was so upset, I just didn't make it clear to him that I wanted to talk. We basically were talking, I was already feeling down, he must've said something (I don't completely remember what exactly) and he was joking but I found it offensive, partially because of the way he worded it and partially because I was already upset and I think I just took it the wrong way. So when he realised I was upset by what he said, he thought I was overreacting (which I was) but at the time I was feeling sad. So he said "forget it, let's not talk about it, it's late and you're probably overthinking as you do". Yes it's true, I do overthink, but this time I had other things on my mind which is why I took his joke to heart.He does this often, if there is an issue that I am not happy with, if he feels it's minor, he will try and avoid talking about it.I then wrote "Okay, let's not talk about it then. But I hope I can open up to you soon enough, because there are a few things I would like to tell you when you have time, but when you say you don't want to talk about things, it makes it harder for me." - This past weekend I found out that my dad may have a child with this other woman he is now with, and I've really been hurting over the fact that he left my family, and possibly could've started a new one etc.Now, this guy does know minimal basics about my dad. He doesn't know details. He just knows that my parents are divorced because my dad found another woman. I have not told him a lot because I find it hard to open up via text and I've told him that. He however, prefers opening up through texts rather than phonecalls, he says it's much easier for him to do so. But it's the opposite for me.We have told each other small things, I know his mother passed away when he was a teenager. He knows my dad left my family.I know his mothers death still affects him to this day and he is a "thinker".He knows when I receive a call or email from my dad, it affects me and I get a bit moody.But he doesn't know the ins and outs, and yesterday I really wanted to tell him and he said "Why don't you try and tell me, see what happens x"So he was open to hearing about it, but when I replied back asking him if he was sure, I knew he had fallen asleep.He replied 2 hours later saying "I'm sorry, I keep dozing off, I'm so tired x" and I wrote "It's a good thing I didn't open up to you then, because you would've just fallen asleep on me x" obviously he couldn't hear the sarcastic tone behind my text and he wrote "Lol :P I'm off to sleep now, Goodnight x"Mind you, this was at around 3am now, he had just woken up from his sleep, so I can understand he was tired and probably just wanted to go back to sleep again.Now I'm feeling quite pissed off. I know I didn't fully tell him what was on my mind and he can't read my mind to know what I'm going through. But I did say I wanted to tell him something and then he ended up falling asleep and didn't mention it again. We didn't talk all of today either. He just didn't contact me (again, maybe he didn't realise the sincerity of the issue im dealing with as I didn't make it clear) but the fact that I don't feel as though I can open up to him is an issue for me. He doesn't welcome problems, so I think twice before saying anything, because I don't want to burden him with my problems, we are not in a relationship, nowhere near that stage of seriousness yet. But I'm just annoyed, I don't really know why though. I feel as though I just don't want to talk to him, thinking about him is annoying me, I saw him update his status and I was just thinking "I don't want to see your face right now". I know this is a phase, but I can't help feeling like this. The fact that he doesn't like to talk about issues between the 2 of us, makes me feel like he will disregard my personal problems too. Our convo's are light and fun but there are times where I would like a deep conversation once in a while.Again, it's hard for me to talk to him and tell him because I'm just thinking he'll ignore it!Is it normal for me to feel annoyed? I probably made him out to sound mean but he isn't mean at all. I'm just dealing with a lot of things at the moment, plus I have exams at university and I'm stressed, but what can I do to make this better? I don't want to have any animosity towards him.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (10 April 2013):
 Dear OP,
Thank you for your follow up. I can see easily why you are so angry with your dad. And I can’t imagine how angry and hurt you are.
Do you WAIT for your dad to contact you or do you attempt to contact him also? If you have an email address for him why not ask for his postal address. Then you could mail cards and stuff. I would work hard to embrace your half-sibling to the best of your ability if you want to try to maintain a relationship with your dad. Right now you are angry and hurt, but over time that may fade, and if you can forge a better relationship with your dad, in the long run it will bring you more peace. My husband is totally estranged from his mother. I’ve never even met her or spoken to her. It makes me sad for him. I’m sad for you that your dad was selfish in his behavior and has probably without malice led you to feel abandoned and shut out of his life.
I know that I rarely contact my grown children. Not because I don’t love them and care about them, but because I find them to be adults and I don’t want to encroach on their independence. I tend to email with one child a lot and the other one calls ME as he needs. My dad calls me on Sundays most weeks as I tend to not call folks. I do email with frequency and I’m betting your dad is around my age, I would like to suggest (NOT that you asked or it’s my business) that you might want to email him more and see if you can establish some regular contact… You know a Sunday email of the week and what’s going on and asking about how things are with him. Sometimes even parents of adult children get so busy with day to day lives we don’t always do what our kids need.
And as parents of adult children, we forget that our kids don’t see us as HUMANS but rather as PARENTS and that is a role that is hard for us. My kids think I’m old and should not be sexual or having fun or doing things that they deem youthful. Kids don’t often see parents as people with the same needs and wants as they have. So it’s hard for us as parents of adult children to strike a balance of still being “parental” and yet taking our lives back now that our child rearing days are done.
As for the young man (the original question) you are correct about a relationship, if you can’t communicate in a way that works for both of you, then it’s going to be hard to figure out if it even can work.
I had a very short term, short distance LDR (we started in December 2010 and were only 2 hours apart) by June 2011 we knew we would be together full time. By December 2011 he gave up his apartment and moved to be with me. So in a year we ended the distance. I have friends that are still 2 hours apart and will be for 2.5 more years. THEY ARE MARRIED but it works for them.
I hope you can find peace with however this relationship works out. I find LDRs for young people to be so much more difficult than for folks out of school….
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy mistake, I apologise.However, my dad did leave me. I am missing out crucial details, only because this question was related more to the ldr guy rather than my dad, so I tried to brief it up.I receive about one phone call from him every 5-6 months or so.He does not contact me otherwise, we don't speak, we do not have a relationship, I don't know his address, or his girlfriends name, we only discuss my studies when he does call, and the call lasts less than 5 minutes, and he does not live in the same country any longer.That is why I said he has left me, along with my mum and my brother.He may still hold the title of being my dad, but he no longer acts like one, and I have not seen him in 2 years, which is why I said that.As for the ldr guy, i think I'm going to have to just talk to him, if I can't communicate, there is no point taking it further.Thank you very much for your help and opinion though xo
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 April 2013):
I did NOT say you didn't have a right to be mad.
I did say your dad did not leave you. He's still your dad. You receive calls and emails from him. He's still your dad, he calls you and emails you. I know you are mad that he left your mom and feel as if he left you too but he didn't.
I am a parent not married to my children's father. I left HIM not my children. And while I did have custody of my 3 yr old and 5 year old, about two years later they went to live with dad. Funny my kids don't think I left THEM. They understood it was not my leaving them or my family but rather that their father and I no longer were able to be together for our own personal reasons.
As for your LDR, part of the problem is your age... you need time and money to make an LDR work. you say you are busy.... well I can tell you I work full time, run a home, have many friends and activities, but when I wanted to or needed to I MADE TIME for my partner. Young folks don't have that option with school and such.....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHI...
I think I have every right to be mad at my dad leaving.
I found that comment very insensitive as he did not just leave my mum, he left the whole family as well. He decided to walk out on my mum, as well as me and my brother, to start a new life with somebody else he had only known for one year.
2 years is not a long time in my eyes. It is still difficult to process, times are hard. I don't think about it everyday but I have moments where it does affect me. Maybe a few days a month my mind will wander off and it will bother me more than usual.
With this guy, I don't mind texting. He doesn't refuse to ring me or let me ring him. If I do want to speak on the phone then he will do that, but I am not a big fan of calls either, I like texting. So I don't really bother with calling, etc.
I think the long distance situation isn't too bad. I am seeing him on the 23rd April then again on the 10th May.
I am busy at the moment so I can't just up and leave to go and see him for the weekend. So we will make time for each other when possible.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 April 2013):
A couple of things... your dad left your mom NOT you.
this is not about you and it's nearly 2 years ago. IF you can't let it go then you should get some therapy to work on it.
secondly TEXTING is no way to have a relationship and have conversations. IF he can't/won't talk on the phone, the keep everything light and fluffy till you are together...
two hours by train is not bad. I know a married couple that's doing it this way. He does not drive, he gets on the train every weekend and goes to his wife. She picks him up at the train station.
when my hubby lived 100 miles away I drove to him every weekend. LDRs can work... but there has to be an end in sight to the LD part of the R.
You can be annoyed with him all you want. Feelings are yours.
I sense that you two may not be a good fit for a permanent relationship if you are already having serious communication issues.
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