A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I am a married woman with a major problem. I don't feel anything for my husband anymore.I don't know if I ever felt anything for him. He entered my life at a time where I was very emotionally vulnerable and I craved a relationship. As I sit here, I realize that he has been very manipulative to get me to stay, as I have tried several times to escape(even before our marriage).Basically, we started dating in high school and because of my upbringing, we refrained from sex until I was 18. To be honest, I was more just curious about sex since I didn't even know how it worked until I was about 15(I went to a religious school, and we just didn't talk about it). It wasn't very enjoyable for me and I can only remember climaxing once in the next few months.I went to college and I was pretty much required to make the 7 hour drive back home every weekend to see my bf. I pushed all of my friends away because he said they were taking me away from him. I know now that I connect with guy friends better than girl friends, and I had the opportunity to have many guy friends but I pushed them away also because of my bf.Then, at the beginning of my sophomore year(and his senior year of hs) he decided he wanted to 'have some fun' and that 'he didn't love me anymore'. In my devastation, since I had become so emotionally dependent on him, I took a semester off and transferred to a local university(which I now love and regret not choosing it in the first place). During my semester off, I got a job and started to become interested in a guy that I worked with and we started flirting. Then my ex showed up at my work and would 'hang out' with me, which scared my guy friend away.Then my ex started calling me for what I see now as 'booty calls'. There was no talk of reconciliation, but he knew that if he called, I would show up since I thought I needed him. He would be nice enough to me(ie, holding me as I cried) to get me into bed, then he would tell me I needed to leave so that he could do whatever excuse he came up with that day.Eventually, we somehow ended up back together and I started to want to leave as I was beginning to mature away from needing him so. When I talked about leaving once, he got very angry and pushed me to the ground and then lifted me off the ground just to push me back into it several times(I'm not sure I'm describing this right, but I can still see it). Then when I was in pain, sitting on his couch he came up and cried and apologized and we ended up having sex(didn't exactly want to but I was afraid).Then, he decided that our religious parents wouldn't just let us live together so we needed to get married. When I heard 'married' I didn't think about 'marriage' I thought about a pretty ring and dress. He never even proposed, just gave me the ring.Now, three years in, I have been struggling for almost a year with wanting to leave him. I am much more confident now and I'm realizing how he has manipulated me to stay with him.But I can't leave. Every time I think of leaving, I think of that couch. I've even shared this with him and he profusely apologizes. When I talk about what I'm feeling with him, he gets very angry and starts yelling at me. If I try to get away from him(since I don't really like being yelled at) he grabs me by the arms and pins me to whatever furniture/wall is nearby and yells at me until I give in.To make matters even worse, I am becoming very attracted to one of my guy friends. He is very sweet and very romantic(he has a gf). It's to the point that when he enters the room, my heart jumps. I know it is not fair to anyone that I'm feeling this way and I know I'm terrible for feeling it. But at this point I am validating cheating with him. If he approached me to kiss me, I would in a heartbeat, I've already accepted that. But now I'm actually validating physically cheating with him.I have talked with my husband about seeking counseling, but he doesn't want to, and I end up getting yelled at and giving in. I don't even know why I want counseling, I'm not sure I want to fix it. I know I'm a terrible person, but I can't help it. Does anyone have any advice for me to try to deal with my husband. The only child we have is a furbaby and I worry more about leaving my kitty alone with him than I worry about leaving him. Please help!ps Sorry for the book, but I've been bottling this for awhile.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2011): If anyone wants an update I'm staying with my mom for now and trying to figure stuff out. Thanks for all the replies and I hope this resolves. I kind of feel like my soul is being ripped out piece by piece and hopefully I won't have to feel this way for long. Thanks all...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2011): OMG!! I am going thru thee exactly the same thing. But I'm still married 10 yrs later. The only reason why I stay is because I have kids. If I didn't have kids I would be gone for sure. Please don't stay if u don't have kids. Take the kitty w/u. The reason why u r starting to like somebody else is not your fault. All your hb is doing is pushing u into somebody else. Your not a horrible person. I used to think I was but now I know he is the 1 that is horrible. Your human when your not happy w/someone,someone else is gonna catch your eye because u need that new fresh love that everybody has. Just 1 thing don't cheat. Get out of your marriage first then think about dating. Don't have kids w/him unless u know for sure your marriage will work. I realy hope u the best. I'm pretty much stuck but I would do anyhting for my kids to have a complete family. Its my fault for staying and still have kids when I knew this marriage was over. So I have to deal w/it for now. I'm telling u that u pretty much don't have a big chance for this marriage to work.
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A
female
reader, GeeGee255 +, writes (19 March 2011):
 I agree with Janniepeg, stay away from that other guy, you are just looking for a way out at this point, anyway out, and are vulnerable to anyone who shows you a little kindness and attention.
Maybe he really is a nice guy, maybe he isn't. How much do you really know about him? Either way that is the last thing you need at this time. And would most likely make things worse. Especially if your husband found out.
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A
female
reader, LaDiabla13 +, writes (18 March 2011):
Yeesh....You never loved him because you know what love is really supposed to feel like.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (18 March 2011):
 The issue here is not about attraction or no attraction. You are in an abusive relationship and you are justifying his behavior and you are blaming yourself for things gone wrong. You are undermining your problems and you aren't able to think clearly under the fear he has instilled in you.
The husband is no good for you. He's needy, manipulative and abusive. For you, the only thing good is that he will always be there, he wants you (for his own selfish purposes to degrade you and own you). Little did you know you built this prison for yourself and it's hard to get out.
Religion is supposed to give you the tools, and inspire you to become a better person. It actually was detrimental for you. You would have been much better off if you knew him better beforehand, have a trial period of living together, so you would have never married him at the first place. In my opinion you sinned more for letting him do all this to you. You did not marry a Christian at all. He's just using religion to control you and entrap you.
What's done is done. What you need to do is to look for people who would support you when your parents won't agree with a divorce. He injured you and threatened you. This is easily grounds for divorce. Don't use this attractive guy friend as a distraction. You need to think about where you are going to live and how you can arrange this before he knows this and do something crazy. I feel that you need to talk to the police and ask for advice. Tell them what he did to you and what could follow if you try to leave. I am serious. Don't let him know you are using this site for advice. Just get out, then think about the divorce later.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2011): Holy shit, woman... I know EXACTLY what you're going through. At least, I KNEW. I've since gotten out of that toxic relationship. But seriously, you need to get out. How do you not see that being physically and emotionally abused is bad? I understand Stockholm Syndrome (it's what I went through and it took me three years to get away from it) but if you really are feeling confident, then you NEED TO GET OUT!!! Take your kitty, pack a simple bag with the bare essentials and any valuables that you own and LEAVE!!!File for divorce and when the papers show up and he confronts you about it, make sure you have your friends and family to back you up and keep him the hell away from you! It's very lucky you don't have any children with this man or that would be a custody battle from hell. Also, you are NOT a terrible person! Do not blame yourself for your husband's despicable behavior. HE is the one at fault; NOT you. The only thing you've done wrong is marry the guy.Get out. Now. And never ever look back.
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