A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I feel my feelings for my boyfriend of 8 years is slowing dying off. The love I have for him 6 years ago was great. What is stopping me from leaving him is that we have two kids together, and I know it would hurt them to see that their daddy and mommy are not together again. He has not given me comments on how good I look if I buy something new or get my hair done. We have not been on a weekend get away for 3 years, and we did that to find ourselves and to spend time with each other, almost like getting to know each other again, with out a daughters. All my friends say that I am stupid for staying with him, they don't understand that we have two kids together and how that will affect them. But at the same time I still love him but not as much as i did 6 years ago. Please help me I do not know what to do Reply to this Question
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (11 September 2009):
 I apologize, I kept referring to your relationship as a marriage. I meant relationship. In either event, its the same formula.
A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (11 September 2009):
You two need to spend a great deal of time talking to each other.
First of all, it sounds to me like he's been neglecting you. Neglect is the number 1 cause of long-term breakups.
Every marriage and every relationship requires a great deal of emotional support and attention between both partners.
What you're going through is the ennui or bends in your marriage. I'm concerned that he's looking at you solely as "mom" instead of a woman that loves him and wants to be in love with him; and wants him to be in love with her. In other words, tell him outright he needs to fulfill your needs as a woman.
Here's a possible solution and its going to take both of you to work this out:
1. You need to rebuild your intimacy. No pointing fingers, no judging. Just look at your husband and tell him outright that you need his love, his attention and his affections.
That may not be easy, but tell him that you don't know what else to do. Its either a divorce or worse yet an affair. I doubt he wants you to do either. If you wake him up that will get his attention so he realizes he's been neglecting you.
2. You also need to start working on how to make time for each other and lots of it. There are different ways to do this. Try regular "dates" and overnights in different places like restaurants, or some local park or whatever it is that gives you some pleasure. You can do overnights at a hotel or motel somewhere far enough away from the kids and stresses so that you can take the time out to just cuddle and find each other again. Use baby-sitters, ask in-laws, friends or neighbors to watch the kids so you can do this.
You both need to do this together. If he wants you and loves you, he's going to have to change his behavior and this is one way to do it.
If he resists, then you need to think about counseling. If you're with a church find a counselor there. If you want to find someone locally, there's probably a number of low-cost counseling centers in your area. If you have insurance, see if it'll cover it.
2. You need to start focusing on time management between you so that you have more time alone after the kids are in bed, or maybe in the middle of the week during a weekday when they're off at school, spend time together at home and learn to cuddle and hold hands, gaze at each other and try rediscovery again.
3. Start talking to each other about all sorts of things that you like. Get the passions going again. When two people are passionate about something, it travels right to home life and into the bedroom.
4. Try doing things together and indulging each others' hobbies or sports. If he's involved in something he likes and you've never tried it, get interested and start joining him. The same for him doing things you enjoy doing.
5. Learn how to mature together. The marriage can only thrive if the two of you are out there doing things together and exploring and discovering things together.
It seems like he's stuck in whatever rut he's been in 6 years ago, and you're maturing more than he is. Try and get him caught up in your personal "world" a little bit so he knows you're concerned and still care about him.
Think back to when you two were really happy together and start rekindling all those things that you did that attracted you to each other.
6. Finally, try to remind him that yes the kids matter but he does too. He has to be interested in you too. The only way to do this is to become more intimate. Once that happens he's going to appreciate you more and finally give you the affection and compliments and all those other little things you need as a woman, not just as a mom.
You're entitled to be loved and he certainly could do things for you to make you feel like the special woman you are.
That's all. If he's motivated and he probably will be, he'll take notice. I don't think it would hurt to try at least.
If anything, you can say you tried and if it doesn't work out, the kids will know its because you and your husband are unhappy together and its not their fault.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2009): You should talk to him and both should try to work things out and try to spend more time with each other. You haven't said anything bad about him so I don't see any reason why you should leave him. Sometimes we get wrapped up about what we want that we forget that maybe the other person wants something as well...it has to be mutual, so ask yourself if you have been complimenting him on things he has been doing. Or maybe he feels the same way but doesn't know what to do. I'm not saying to go an extra mile for him (that you start doing nice things for him but he doesn't understand why u are doing it so he just takes it for granted), just talk to him and try to work it out. Good Luck
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