A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I never thought this would happen to me but I really don't like my husband anymore. We've been together for 10 years, since we were 18, and married for 3 years. No kids and both aged 28.I always thought we were so great together - a perfect fit. We'd fight occasionally but always sorted it and got better at communicating as time passed. We both felt very lucky to have each other and told each other we loved each other every day (he still does but I just can't find it in me to say it back anymore).The past few months I don't like to be around him, I find his jokes annoying and most things about him irritate me. I don't find him at all attractive anymore even though his appearance hasn't changed. I've been making excuses to sleep in the spare room as much as possible and even fantasizing about being with another man - not anyone in particular, just a made-up faceless person who is passionate and decisive and mature.I think it's stemmed from being in total limbo for the past 6 months due to his indecision. He's been offered a job in a different town but keeps putting off making a decision so I haven't been able to make any plans for my own career or for us. I've been very clear with him on just how much his indecision is affecting me and us, have tried talking things through calmly and have been as patient and understanding as I can, though our discussions keep turning into stupid arguments and accusations about one another's communication skills.He is trying but it feels like too little too late. I don't like being around him so have to really force myself to try to communicate with him. I'm still committed to him and I still love him but more in the way you love an annoying brother than a husband. I feel so much resentment towards him and his inability to think about the future. Sometimes I wonder if we'd even be married if I hadn't got sick of waiting for him to ask and proposed myself! Even that most romantic moment was marred by his "yes" followed by about a month afterwards of him being unsure and a two year engagement to allow him time to get used to the idea. I know he loves me but I feel like I need more from him.How can I move forward? I don't want to hug him let alone sleep with him. And we can't seem to be able to talk or plan together the way two adults should. I don't want a divorce but also don't want to live in an unhappy marriage. Please help.
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female
reader, Audrey1984  +, writes (13 September 2009):
I am so encouraged to find someone in a similar situation as I. I have discussed my feelings (or lack of) however with my husband. He wanted a divorce and we were separated for 8 months. We got back together, but the important issues still haven't changed. The fact is, I never romantically loved him, and should have never married. The two books the other user suggested (no offence to him), Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs and The five love languages by Gary Chapman were of no use to me. See, I feel like our roles are reversed. He is very sensitive, and needs tender love and affection. I feel like I just need some respect. Not to mention, I forget which one, but one of the books essentially will tell you that you just have to convince yourself you love your spouse even if you don't. Ridiculous ideologies is all! All I can do is have hope in God to change the situation, and he will. He's never let me down. The hard part is, and you can relate, what do you do in the mean time? How long do you sleep apart, and go through the motions of a loveless marriage? Do pray, and share your concerns with him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2009): You are me!!! I'm 28, been married for two years, but in the relationship for almost 9 years. I dread the thought of having sex and I do my damnedest to not have a disgusted look on my face when he kisses me. What is irritating, and ironic, is the more I pull away from intimacy, the more he wants it and the heavier the burden of marriage seems to become. I thought we were the perfect couple too. He's such a NICE guy and we never have knock down fights. Every issue gets talked about in a calm, collected, adult fashion; except he never quite understands how I feel and he is super duper sensitive. He's also been without a job since last August, his head is in the clouds with dreams of great things that won't come easily unless he works his tail off for them, and he can't seem to make good decisions about how to go about taking his life where he wants it to go. I feel like I'm taking care of him and telling him what the right decisions are. I feel like his mother (Oedipus Rex comes to mind, doesn't it?). Here's the problem you and I both have: no respect. You've lost your respect for him as a man and as a husband. The expectations you had going into the contract are not being realized, and in a sense you probably feel a little cheated. He is not providing for you the tangible and intangible needs you require from a mate and so you choose to refuse offspring by not having sex. He is no longer, in your emotional and biological lens, a quality match in which to procreate with. Your body has shut down for you so you don't even need to waste your time bumbling it around in your mind - "Should I or shouldn't I?" I never thought the logic beneath it would be so simple, but it really is. You're still young, like myself. Don't drag yourself twenty years down the road with this weighted baggage. You still have an opportunity to be happy, just as he has the same opportunity to find someone to provide for him the love he needs. Don't let your life march slowly away from you, leaving you miserable and lonely for a long, long time. Regaining that lost respect is nearly impossible. I can't tell you the countless different things I have tried in order to mend and/or change my state of mind. The problem is that I can't manipulate the way I feel, but only the way I think. I'm not in love anymore and haven't been for sometime. I'm unhappy and that's that. I've made the decision and in about two months I am out the door. Sure it's going to be hard and I sure as hell don't want to break his heart like that, but I have to ultimately look out for me and give up this bad habit of martyrdom-like behavior because I'm afraid of being hated by him, or just simply hurting someone I care so much about. Time is going to pass on and I will be just fine and probably happier. Much happier. Guess what: he's going to be just fine too.I know you care for him a great deal, if you're in the same boat I'm in. Just keep in mind one very very important thing: you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2009): I went through something similar with my husband of 9 years last year. It was really hard for us both. Three things helped: 1. a little time apart - I went home/to visit my friends a few weekends. It gave me some space to think about stuff, and I actually found I missed him and appreciated him more when I got back home. 2. doing new stuff together - we did new stuff, like getting out in the countryside and going for bikerides, going on a backpacking vacation for a week and even going abseiling together, and having fun and doing something new together kind of brought us closer. 3. I was honest and explained how I was feeling - he knew something was wrong, and talking it through helped. It was difficult to talk about the problems, and in hindsight, it might have been good to talk to a third party - there are lots of counsellors/therapies available (couples' therapy, etc.) and many useful books.At the end of the day, you have to work out whether your life would be better without him. Or, can you change how you respond to his annoying habits/can he try to work on improving the things that annoy you in order to move forwards happily together again.Longwinded answer, hope it helps.
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A
female
reader, pashanoodle  +, writes (13 March 2009):
 I could be way off, but here's what I think. It sounds to me like there are certain issues which have become 'hot topics' for you two - by that I mean that when they are raised neither of you feels like they are heard, understood, represented correctly, respected etc and so there is never any resolution or progress - often it ends up in a bickering match, the result being only a deepening of the resentment. And in these situations - all your usual 'good' communication skills are useless - because each of you is so set in your own view the first response you have is to get defensive and get your point across - and so the cycle begins...
It sounds also like you have gotten to a point where you feel a sense of hopelessness - about your husbands ability to ever meet your needs in certain areas - in your mind he has really let you down, but you see no way to move forward. You're hurt and angry and you find yourself withdrawing from him - who is he anyway? He's not the guy you thought he was is he?
What you describe is serious - there is something wrong within your relationship for you to feel as you do - but it may not mean divorce is inevitible. I think you need to tell him what you've told us - he needs to know, going about his day as if everything is fine, telling you he loves you...it's not helping is it? If you seriously want to try and salvage your marriage you two will both need to commit to that and I strongly recommend you seek professional relationships counselling - as you will need a third party to mediate some of these 'hot topics' and help you to find out if you can work through them and get back on the same path again.
I hope you can - cause I still like to believe in happy endings...
in the meantime - try to do some little things to feel closer/re-connected - talk about happy memories, do something that is one of your special little couple things, actually work at doing something with your man that you used to enjoy with him, do something nice for him perhaps, try to see something good or positive in him each day - and tell him what it is....sometimes when the annoying stuff seems really big you can miss the little cute/good/sweet things you used to see all the time....I bet when you start you'll get some back from him too.
Good luck
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A
male
reader, StudentOfLife  +, writes (13 March 2009):
 2 books
1. Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs (15$ on amazon).
2. The five love languages by Gary Chapman (10$ on amazon).
I know it's hard to try to bring things the other way around, it takes effort and, most importantly, commitment.
If there was love, there's still love hiding somewhere. Those books can help you find it and help you understand the situation you're in (Love & Respect).
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (13 March 2009):
 Well it sounds to me like you realised how indecisive he was before you got married seen as you had to propose yourself and then wait 2 years for him to be ready! So what I'm trying to say is that you knew what you were letting yourself in for, so why now have you started to let it get to you?
It sounds like you are very unhappy and you are avoiding him rather than tackling the problem head on. I think the only thing you can do to save this marriage is to get couples councilling. This will give you both an opportunity to express how you both feel, rather than one person just talking at the other. And you will get an impartial person's advice on where you are going wrong.
And if one of you refuses to get councilling, then it shows who is wanting to make it work and who is not. Apart from councilling I really cannot think of any other ways for you to move past this, if you cannot communicate effectively together then you definately need to get some outside help.
Good Luck!
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A
male
reader, Kepi +, writes (13 March 2009):
 I understand what you are going thru, i am having similar issues with my girlfriend for similar reasons. Its rapidly becomes a spiral where you can find fault with everythingthe other person does.
I recommend you take a look at the BBC site on relationships, its very informative and offers advice and suggestions on what to do in a variety of relationship issues.
www.bbc.co.uk/relationships/
Good luck
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